My self harm journey

I had my individual therapy session today with the IOP therapist. She made me do a self harm contract. No big deal. I've done them before. But then....here's the twist....if it gets to the point where I think I'm going to act on it, I have to turn over my blade to my parents. WTH!!! This is my security blanket. I don't want to get rid of it. I signed the stupid thing anyway but I'll have a hard time actually doing that one. She doesn't know what she is asking. Of course it will be impossible to harm myself if I don't have my blade. But then I'll just have to buy another one! ARGH. It was super intense session today. IDK why. I don't even remember what all we talked about. Just that it was a lot! How Self harm is a way of expressing distress. We talked about my hospitalization too. That sucked. I feel sort of disregulated at the moment.

Now I'm not sure if the therapist meant to give up my blade anyway or give up my blade only if I am in imminent danger of harming myself. Not that it matters. I don't intend to actually do it. I just wonder if there is going to be a consequence come Friday if I haven't done it. Argh.

I texted my case manager who is going to ask my Therapist what she meant and then get back to me. I don't know if she will tell him due to confidentiality but hopefully. I hope she didn't mean to get rid of the blade regardless. I will have a really hard time doing that.

Oh good. The case manager got back to me and said that the therapist said it was only if I thought I was going to self harm did I need to give up my blades. So I can keep it as long as I don't think I'm going to use it. I still don't want to give it to my parents but I can see throwing it in the trash or something. Not that I won't immediately go to Amazon and just buy another one. But it would buy me time.

I hate, hate, hate relapsing. It's like dang, I'm back at square one again! Although I am back to counting the days at one, I'm not really back at square one. I've learned a few things since my last relapse. So I'm a few squares ahead of where I started last time on the board. (I tend to think of this as the old Chutes and Ladders game.) Where sometimes I have a good streak and I hit a ladder and I'm up 50 days, or 90 days, or that awesome time I went 18 months! Then sometimes I hit a chute and I'm sent back several squares. But I am not all the way back at the first square. I'm not at square one. I'm a few more squares ahead of where I started last time. And I'm not out of the game yet. I can keep playing. I can keep trying. I can make some gains. I can learn new stuff. I can put more tools in my tool kit. I'm going to hang onto hope and shoot for the stars.

Sounds good!

Why is it that therapists always want to see self harm wounds? I don't get it. They aren't medical doctors. I had an appointment with my individual therapist today from the IOP. Of course we talked about my relapse. A lot. And she wanted to see the wounds. I showed her because I am a people pleaser. It's bad for me though because no matter how much I do, I will think it is not good enough when I have to show someone. By good enough, I mean bad enough. I'm like I should have done more wounds, I should have gone deeper. I should have made more damage. She told me to put some neosporin on the wounds and to cover them with a gauze pad and tape because they look a little red. IDK. I may or may not do that. I sort of feel like I don't deserve to take care of them, plus I'm pretty sure that they will be fine. There's nothing seeping or anything. She of course said I could die from self harm. I'm like, well it hasn't happened yet. She was like, do you know why it's dangerous? I was like, of course, I could hit an artery or something. She's like that's right. But that doesn't scare me, if that is what she was trying to do it didn't work. I got a verbal consequence from the IOP for self harming. If I do it again, I'll get a written consequence. She asked me if the verbal one felt legalistic or empathetic. I said at first it felt legalistic. Then later it felt empathetic when R added some more to his text message chain. I don't want to have to sign the form so J the therapist said we will use that as positive reinforcement or something to not self harm. As if that would be the worst thing in the world. I don't know why she is so worried about the self harm and not worried about the hallucinations. Anyway showing her the wounds left me feeling vulnerable and unprotected which heightens the need to self harm. Unproductive!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty Why is it that therapists always want to see self harm wounds? I don't get it. They aren't medical doctors. I had an appointment with my individual therapist today from the IOP. Of course we talked about my relapse. A lot. And she wanted to see the wounds. I showed her because I am a people pleaser. It's bad for me though because no matter how much I do, I will think it is not good enough when I have to show someone. By good enough, I mean bad enough. I'm like I should have done more wounds, I should have gone deeper. I should have made more damage. She told me to put some neosporin on the wounds and to cover them with a gauze pad and tape because they look a little red. IDK. I may or may not do that. I sort of feel like I don't deserve to take care of them, plus I'm pretty sure that they will be fine. There's nothing seeping or anything.

It seems like the therapist is trying to get you to confront and explore the uncomfortable feelings that the SI "protects" you from.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty I don't know why she is so worried about the self harm and not worried about the hallucinations. Anyway showing her the wounds left me feeling vulnerable and unprotected which heightens the need to self harm. Unproductive!

I suspect it has to do with getting the SI under control before the hallucinations can be dealt with. It's similar to a depressed alcoholic. The drinking must be addressed before the depression can be effectively treated.

IOP is like honestly the most difficult thing I've done for myself.

Here's a kind of mediocre poem I sent to my individual T--J. She is trying to get me to express my feelings in words not in Self harm. I sent her one about hallucinations the other day. This one is about trying not to self harm but being a nine on a scale of one to ten with ten being self harming. That's how I feel today.

At a 9

Holding the ice cube to my arm
feeling the transfer of energy from warm to cold
Nothing is hurt yet everything is hurting
How can I bear this mismatch--how do I stop this yearning?

When my heart has a chasm that's too wide to jump
When my head is pounding like waves to the shore
Everything is spinning, everything is reeling
No backup for this pain, no plan B for feelings

Keeping the blade in a drawer though my arms cry for more
Feeling like a train rode its way through my insides
Shiny smooth metal gotta get you out of my mind
Gotta stay in IOP, leave bad addictions behind

This pain's unrelenting, it's unleashed at full power
Nothing to stop it, no brakes to apply
What to do with this pain when mere words aren't enough
Gotta stretch out these days increase tolerance and stuff.

((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))

I've been in IOP since September 9th so about 2 months. I had a really great T who I attached to in those two months (we mostly met twice a week). But she had to leave to go on medical leave for six weeks. So we had our termination session yesterday. I cried afterward. But I told her I wouldn't self harm for 30 days as a way to honor our work together. I feel proud of that but also kind of scared. I know I can do it because I have done it before. But I just also feel like, why did I say that?!!

It's almost time for those 30 days to be up that I told IOP T that I wouldn't self harm, and I haven't. I've done really good through some pretty big sized urges, and lots of little ones. I feel proud of how far I have come. I know it can all come crashing down in a minute, but I just hold onto hope that as I am growing and changing I am becoming stronger. I feel really good. I have felt really good for a couple of weeks. Maybe it is the new medication. I don't know. But things are looking up. Hang in there, my friends. We can get through this together.

Well done SlumberKitty!

Made the 30 (actually 31) days for my former IOP T. It feels good to have honored that commitment and to honor the work we did together. Next week I should hit 3 months without self harm so that's awesome. I want to get back to having a year plus so I have to work hard with the urges and not mess up. It's a bit of stress but I did it before I can do it again.

Hang in there SlumberKitty!

I wanted to self harm today. I was kind of close. Closer than I have been in a while to actually acting on the urges. But I didn't. I looked at some of my scars and asked myself if I wanted more scars. I massaged my arms instead of hurting them. I texted my therapist and even though I am not in crisis, she wants to schedule a session. I'm like, okay. Whatever. I was fine not seeing her but maybe it will be good to talk about things. I am trying to feel my emotions. Not let them get bottled up. Not push them away or aside but just feel the emotions of disappointment and being let down. And maybe my ego is bruised. I don't know. I feel a little teary eyed but not like I can cry or anything like that. Just a bit of moisture in my eyes.


I have aftercare from IOP tonight. I am kind of looking forward to it and kind of not. It's on shame and resilience which is a tough topic and I think I am feeling some shame about myself today. Like I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. I am not smart enough. I am not worthy. So I am recognizing this. And knowing that those statements lead to feeling shame and I am not wanting to get stuck in shame. Shame leads to self harm. And I am worth not self harming. This is what I am telling myself. It's kind of dumb. But maybe it will help me.

Good job recognizing those statements, and recognizing that you are worth not self-harming.

Urges are bad today. They are coming in waves. Like I'll be fine. Then I'm not fine. Then I'm fine. Then I'm not fine. I work in an office that is attached to a manufacturing plant. I am trying to stay in my office and not go out to the manufacturing plant because if I did I might find something I could use to hurt myself and I don't trust myself to leave it alone. I feel like a junkie right now. Needing a fix. UGH. You think after three months it would get better. Not worse.

Hang in there SlumberKitty!

Struggling to feel............acceptable today.

((((((((Accepting SlumberKitty))))))))

Urges are hitting big time! Wanting to sacrifice my forearm by giving into SH so that the rest of me can be okay. Warped thinking, I know. But it's what I want at this moment. Trying to hold off so more rational thoughts can come into my head. It's not easy though.

The thoughts and urges are taking over my brain. I feel like I am going to relapse. I don't want to but I feel like I am going to. I don't have time before Aftercare tonight to reach out to my T or text a crisis line. This sucks.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad @SlumberKitty. Remember what you said here the last time you felt the urge to SH?

"And I am worth not self harming."

You are worth looking after and taking care of. I hope you can ride the waves like you did before and be kind to yourself.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk