slipped up (triggering)

I messed up...badly. I went to camp for about a month, and didn't harm myself the entire time. When I got back, about another week passed with no self-harm. Then, a few days later, I got my blade out and made about 100 small (some are deep) cuts on my stomach and breasts. I've been putting some anti-bacterial cream on the deep ones, but I feel so horrible and guilty that I slipped up. I promised my T that I would throw my blades away, and I didn't. I feel so disgusting.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Cat Eye}}}}}}}}}}}}

It's easier when you are away from your regular life, doing something you like, and around friends, isn't it? I also didn't cut at all for the two weeks that I was in Norway, but took it up again when I got home. It's not like being addicted to a drug, where once you make it through detox you are clean and don't need it anymore. One factor for me in doing it again was simply that it had been 4 weeks and that felt like too long. It isn't easy to quit, is it? If you can throw the blades away now, I bet that your T would be happy to know that you did that, even if you didn't throw them away immediately when you promised. Make sure that you do have something else you can do to deal with your feelings in a healthy way. That's really an important thing when you are trying to stop hurting yourself.

We all slip up. There is no limit to how many times you can pick yourself up and try again.

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

Try to be kind to yourself. It is hard to love someone you veiw as disgusting. I found it important to take those words out of my vocabulary when referring to myself. I try to view myself with compassion, just as I view each and every one of you. I don't think of any of you as disgusting or as failures in this quest to stop injuring. You are all beautiful people in the process of...learning to create a new life. I now look at myself as sometimes fragile, sometimes hurt, sometimes lost and confused but there are also moments of strength, cleverness, and changeability. Never ever disgusting.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

thanks for your insight :-) It really is hard to quit ; I read somewhere that self-injury is harder to quit than heroin (whether that's true, I don't know).

I won't do it
I swear
Never again
Believe me
I care

If you were in my spot
I trust that you wouldn't
You love me and I love you
Believe me, its true

But
Something trickles down my arm
What have you done?
You have not done any harm
What have I done?
You know, and I know

When the blood flows
Tears are dry
The pain shows
It's the way I cry
My mind is a flock of crows
As black as a lie.

Give yourself some credit. You had not cut in a long time; you slipped up. Its good to know that you were able to share this with everyone and to me that counts. It is hard; you know first hand but you are able to discuss it and I hope that it helped you to get it out. If this makes sense.
Hang in there; thats what everyone tells me.

itsjustme