Don't know anymore ((possible trigger))

I've been self-injuring for years. Some of the things I do to self injure have been ongoing, and some of them I just do sporadically. Lately, I have been having thoughts of more extreme ways to self-injure. I am somewhat terrified.

I want to hurt, really, really hurt. I want to tear myself to pieces.

Most of all I just want to be whole, fixed, something more than this, and that seems beyond reach.

I don't know what to do. I am being consumed by this...it is getting bigger than I can handle.

Hey Jully. I have also been SI'ing for years. Sometimes I get "plans" or "fantasies" of what I would like to do, and that can be very scary. I start to obsess over the destructive thing that I would like to do-- very frightening. Are you seeing a therapist? I know that it helps me to voice these things to my therapist so they aren't just floating around inside me. I found it interesting that you said you want to be whole, yet you also said you want to tear yourself to pieces-- I feel similar-- and I always think in extremes. If I can't be whole I might as well go to pieces. I hope that you can find a way to stay safe. You know, it is good that you are terrified-- because that might be what keeps you safe right now. Sometimes that's all that works for me.

i am sorry things are hard right now... i can really understand the wanting to be whole... while at the same time thinking about si... sometimes i can feel where i want to cut... and the more intense the urge the stronger the "need" to follow through... i know that it is really hard to stay safe when this happens... but your giving a voice to it is a really good start... my t really helps hold me accountable... so when those urges get strong... i know he is going to ask me ... i hate that but at the same time it helps me feel safe... so see extremes seem to be a commonality... take gentle care of yourself...lynda

(((((jully)))))
please try to stay safe. Look after yourself and take care.

Hey jully, I think we all want to be "fixed". I would LOVE to be fixed!!!! But all we can do is try. I have been feeling the urge today too. Really weird too because not too much bad in my life aside from wanting a job. and i am freaking about seeing my T tomorrow so its getting worse today.

Feeling down and out myself, but all we can do is try. And you can do this too. together on this forum we can accomplish anything.

Take care, thinking of you.
Colleen

(((((((((((((hugs, all)))))))))))))))

Thanks everyone for the support! So far so good with the urges.

I do have a T who is aware of my self-harming behaviors, and we have begun exploring them. I am still getting used to/learning to trust T, so I haven't voiced these more disturbing desires yet. So far T is very relaxed about the whole issue, and has never mentioned stopping it at this point. T says that eventually I will be able to choose more healthy coping mechanisms. I'm not sure if this is good or bad, as I almost feel that I have been given permission to continue self-harming for now.

maybe if you write it in a letter to your t... i know it's hard... but, your t really needs to know about the intensity of the urges... do you have a safety plan for when the urges get too hard? my t helped me to put mine into place during a really intense cycle...take gentle care...lyn