[bchlyn]

i am at 30 days today... my hardest time is usually at about 7-8 weeks(i haven't made the 9 week mark in a very long time) and then for 2 weeks after my last episode... i was trying to break a really bad cycle when i first posted here... and the only reason i stopped was the reaction of my t... i go back on tuesday after not seeing him since before christmas... i really wanted to talk to him about how breaks in t and all my here and now issues... cause me to loose ground... and ask him what he can do to help me with that... but, now things have really built up and there is so much... and when that happens i get all tangled up...and right now i feel really tangled... this post is as tangled as my brain right now...like one of those puzzles you have to untangle... lyn

[bipolar_bear]

Congratulations on 30 days! I am so happy that you are seeing your t after such a long time. You have done so fantastic to have worked through the holidays by yourself. Now you and your t can help, as you say, untangle everything.

BB

[Christina86]

(((((((((bchlyn))))))))))))))

Woohoo! Congratulations.

I hope your T helps you out... don't burden yourself with the thought about how much longer you need to go. Just realize that you're doing a great job right now!

Take care of yourself.

[Kiya]

(((((((((lyn))))))))) you did it. Maybe start recounting at 30, so that each month you can say you made it a month? less pressure that way.

Holding you in my thoughts, Kiya

[Cthomas]

HEY LYN.....

CONGRATS!!!!!! WTG!

thats so great. and hopefully for youand me it gets easier the further we are away from SI.

thinking of you. and sending big hugs

Colleen

[helpless_mommy]

Congrats on 30 days!
I'll give you the advice my boyfriend gave me the other day. Take it one day at a time. If today is 31, there is no other number besides 31. Do not think about 32, do not think about 60, only think about 31. Does that make sence.
Everytime I call my b/f crying because I want to so bad he tells me to just think about whatever day i'm on.
PM me if you'd like.

[splitimage]

Congratulations, that's really awesome. Just take it one day at a time, and don't worry about tomorrow - just concentrate on not si'ing today makes it a lot easier.

--splitimage

Good for you on your 30 days. And it is normal to feel tangled!! The important thing is that you are untangled enough to be keeping yourself safe. Congrats.

[GoodMama]

((((((((Lyn))))))) WTG! Congratulations on 30 days!

LIFE is a marathon we take in small steps. Be proud of yourself today and let tomorrow take care of itself! Borrow from AA ... and take it one day at a time.

Hugs!

GoodMama

congrats!!!!!!! (((((((((lyn)))))))))))))

[bchlyn]

thank you

[bchlyn]

i haven't cut... but i am really tired of feeling like this... and right now it's what i want...more then i don't...sorry... maybe tomorrow will be better...lyn

[Kiya]

Lyn, read your other post. how are you doing?
Yes, I got through. See t tonight, was glad that at the dr's today when she had to draw blood, she just took the offered arm i gave her - usually she wants to see both to choose her vein. The other one had marks i didn't want her to see. *whew* I didn't tell anyone about the last few... i doubt i will tell t tonight either. i don't see the point. for once it actually does look like a cat scratch so i am not hiding the visible one nearly as much.
Can i tell you a funny story?
Today, the gal drawing the blood was actually afraid of me! It was funny to me because i'm always the one terrified of THEM! All medical personnel, needles, the lot. I must give off some scary vibe because i never do anything, just sit there and cry and shake. So today she told my dr that i don't like her and wanted me to go somewhere else! Too funny. I am always polite, i always say thank you when she's done. I'm just completely a nervous wreck. well, i told them that the place wouldn't matter - needles are needles. Maybe i make the tech feel incompetent or something by being so scared? This is the first time she hasn't dragged another nurse in to "preoccupy" me, and also the first time i haven't cried. She really is a good tech, i just have lock jaw when it comes to telling her that. I didn't even feel it today - though it could be because i was already dissociated. At any rate, i thought it was funny - i scared the tech!

My t always used to tell me stories when i wanted to self harm. hoping this provides some distraction for you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))), kiya

[bchlyn]

i understand about not wanting to have blood drawn... and the fear that they will see the marks... i tend to hide them when i know that i am getting close to the 3 months...they draw my blood in my doctors office... so they know me really well...and they work with me to help me get out of the panic before they poke me...i go in march... isn't it funny how fear can trigger ... i wonder what that is all about... things are starting to calm a bit but the situation is really serious... it's so hard when you can't do anything to protect your children...even when it's from themselves...lyn

[bchlyn]

well 36 days... and no si... it was really close last night... but i was able to go to sleep... i woke up in pretty much the same place as i went to sleep...but i am more rested and that always helps me get through...lyn

[Kiya]

Yay day 36 for you!!

i am spaced out a bit rigt now and not much is clear so i hope you are ok and doing things that you enjoy - continued prayers for the cryptic situation you iefly described.

hugs, kiya

[bchlyn]

ty...hey how are you?...sorry didn't mean to be cryptic... just really hard to talk about... my middle son and his wife are having some really difficult marital problems and my grandbabies were caught in the middle of it all... my daughter in law took off with the kids... and my son was in a really bad place regarding it...the thing that triggers me the quickest is the thought that one of my kids isn't safe... i do pretty well in the crisis...but after that is when things start to get really hard for me and the urges are the strongest... i have been in crisis mode now for way too long...it was so much easier when they were little....unfortuantly i am learning that they are going to do what they are going to do... and i just need to figure out how to stay safe when it happens...lyn

[bipolar_bear]

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope you have found ways not to SI. I hope things improve with your family life. Take care.

BB

[Kiya]

Yeah, same here, Lyn ((((((many hugs)))))))

i'm ok - cheek chewing currently - everyday stressors.

kiya

[bchlyn]

40 days but not feeling much like celebrating

[Kiya]

YAY 40 =)

are you ok?

[Christina86]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bchlyn said:
40 days but not feeling much like celebrating

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What's up?

We'll celebrate for you - good for you. It's hard, you can do it.

((((((((((safe hug))))))))))))))

[Cthomas]

Lyn, you and I and others i know have had a rough last month. We keep trying and the triggers are there. the addiction is there. but you are proving that as hard as it may seem you are plugging along. All we can do is try our best and you are trying my friend. I am sending hugs and prayers today that you can celebrate this milestone and smile.

You deserve to smile and be loved....and Im here if you need help. all day ok?

love to you and all,

colleen

[bchlyn]

last night was a pretty hard one... today i am little better but the urges are there ... lyn

[bchlyn]

if i stay safe today (not cut) i will have made it to day 48 i think... but "if" is a big word...i am going to take a xanax and try and sleep for awhile... but right now... i just want to give up and give in...i am sorry...lyn