so far down...

I didn't know whether to post this here, or depression, or what. I settled for here because the depression is causing self-harm urges.

I love my job, but they don't pay me enough to live on (nonprofit, you know). Normally I teach at a local university on the side, but my class for fall got canceled -- meaning I'm out $500 a month -- meaning I'm doing the food pantry thing and clothes shopping at the Salvation Army because I can't afford anything else.

So, I've been looking for a new job. I get a fair number of responses to my resume, but for some reason can never close the deal.

Monday I had this really fabulous job interview. I thought it went breathtakingly well. It was a job I really wanted, was well qualified for, and thought for sure I had a really good shot at.

Today, I got the rejection letter. This means they had to mail it Wed. That means it took them 24 hrs to decide I'm not worth crap.

I feel like the world's biggest loser/reject/etc. I barely have any self-esteem, and this just bashed it out of existence. The last time I felt this bad I ended up in the hospital for a week. Conveniently, I see my pdoc tomorrow morning -- he's relentlessly cheerful and optimistic and will probably find something positive in this. All I see is unworthiness and rejection.

And, I really want to cut. I haven't in 3 months or so. Before that, it was close to a year. But once the horse is out of the barn, it's hard to corral back in, you know? It's an option again now, and I want to take it, and yet that will cause me more problems than it solves. But it doesn't stop the urge.

I guess I"ll go take my meds and go to bed and try to forget it. But there's a 24 hr drugstore nearby and I can't promise I'm not going to head for blades. And I remember how much I hated myself for giving in in May, and how many people I let down, and I don't want to do that again, but on the other hand, I just don't care -- I'm tired of jumping through other people's hoops. Hurting this bad emotionally makes me want to hurt physically, to give the emotions life.

I'd say I hate everything, but really, I just hate me.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

(((Candy)))

I feel for you, hun. It really hurts when you have your hopes up for something, and then it doesn't pan out. If only we lived in a perfect world, right?

Since I'm a whole 10 days older than you, , I have hours of more wisdom than you!! And I'm telling you to forget about those darn blades.....you're not in need of a beard trim just yet! *smirk* In fact, I don't think you need shaving on any part of your body.....hmmmm.....although I do happen to see a bit of stubble poking out from under your arm. Eeeooouuuuu!!

Candy, we would never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world. I know this sounds awful, but just be thankful that there are places like the food banks and the Salvation Army. What would we do without them?? Just between you and me.....I'm in the same boat. No job, no food, no clothes. And that blade looks pretty tempting.

Promise me that you'll stay away from the blades, and I'll promise you the same thing. And we'll keep striving for what will make us happy. Just remember that there are no shortcuts to any place worth going. We can keep safe, together.

Hugs to you,
Sandy

I also know how you feel- the frustration, the sensation of feeling sub-human because of the decisions made by others.

I can never seem to "close" job interviews well either - they seem to be going great, and then wham!!!, rejection blow-off letter arrives.

That means it is THEIR loss, not yours. You will find another job, it will simply take longer. This happens to me, but the process of getting there messes up my thinking so badly that my depression/anxiety kick in.

I go to the Salvation Army for food too.......plus a number of local pantries if I can. It's not easy in this day and age to survive, so even though I feel horrible for going there, I'm glad I can.

Try not to cut - easier said than done. I myself am waging a battle with the knife as well. I'm winning this hour, and that's all I'm taking it - an hour at a time. I can't commit to a full day yet, but each hour adds into days.

Please take care of yourself.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

((((((((((((((((((((candybear))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks everyone...I'm trying to take the advice about an hour at a time. I might have to go minute by minute. I work for a newspaper, and back in the production department there are Xacto knives laying around -- one of my favorite weapons. Sigh.

I'm on my way right now to see my psychiatrist. He's going to ask if I've cut since the last time I saw him, and I can say no, but not for lack of desire to, and he'll launch into his speech about how the longer I go without it, the less likely I am to do it again, and about how much progress I've made, and blah blah blah, and I don't want to hear it. I still feel like crap this morning.

I've been in the job market for a while now, and all this constant rejection gives a girl a complex! :-)

Thanks for the hugs and the help.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

Geeeeeeze ... apparently I'm officially nuts.

I still feel pretty bad today, but I didn't think it was bad enough to justify upping meds! My pdoc did, though. Somehow we're never on the same page. Last time I saw the signs of a depressive episode creeping in, he thought nothing of it. Today I'm just upset over being rejected again, a pretty normal reaction I guess, although nobody would call me normal!, and up and away they go.

I still want to cut, but I'm staying out of the production dept. I have scissors and paper clips at my desk, but neither do the damage I want to do. I hope the other hour-at-a-time folks are hanging in there too!

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

(((((((((((((((((((((((candy)))))))))))))))))))))

I am glad you were able to discuss with us about your urges, in my eyes thats a first step to gettting help. I am glad your seeing your therapist. Many people here have been through this and can understand and we care. Keep coming and posting.

Leslie

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy Bear}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying