no good

hey that is really great that you made that call ... i know how hard it is and know first hand how many times i needed too and didn't... it's hard for me to let anyone know that i need them... even myself...you know what i mean? stay safe...lyn

Read if safe only
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Oooooooooook i am getting some images of cutting into the wrist vein. i am working to get around this. mood already crashed, had a whole chocolate bar =) (really not good as some know) and already been crying for "no reason" tonight. ohhhhhh my stomach hurts from that stupid choice. Would a vein cut *need* stitches, or can i apply basic first aid and get away with it?
NO bad thought. Keep focused here. come on. i really don't want to call t - don't think i can call t. i can get through this. i have to.

kiya... that would need medical attention right away...please stay safe... i know i am the pot calling the kettle black tonight... i am so sorry... don't get sucked into the same riptide i did...lyn

Kiya that would be a very dangerous thing and you would need immediate medical care. Please don't consider something that harmful. I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I know how hard it can be but you have shown how strong you are. Please try and stay safe.

BB

kiya... i know it's hard but i think it's time to make that call... even if you just get her voice mail... something about saying it outloud and knowing that they will hear the message helps...you know?... i am finding that the more intense the thought and urges... the deeper i am hurting... i am sorry you are hurting so much...lyn

lyn, bb,
I'm here... i'm holding off so far - called a friend... didn't tell her any of this, it wouldn't help. besides it's her b-day. so i am being "cheerful" sounding on the phone. tho i have to admit i wish she'd get off so....
*sigh*. i am trying to hold on. that image is very strong still.
=(

it is 1am and i got through. my roommate came home just as i got off the phone. and i think i am past the urges now. i am going to get some sleep.
thanks for talking to me - it helped to see reasonable answers to combat the images and thought processes that were occuring.
Kiya

How awesome you got through. And thank goodness your roomate had good timing. You worked very hard at keeping yourself safe and deserve to feel good about that. I hope that helps you next time as you are strong.

BB

((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))

again, thank you so much (((((( bbear, fuzzy ))))))))

KIYA
Thinking of You!
May the dawning of the day bring you
the faith to keep dreeaming,
the strength to keep hoping,
& the courage to keep believing.

xoxo

you did well kiya...stay safe...lyn

Well done Kiya, please take care of yourself and stay safe
((((((((((hugs)))))))))

anyone

ty lyn, anyone.
So far ok on the whole cutting thing. Terrible on the chocolate thing (of which I am very allergic), so it is another form of hurting my body. I have out done myself today with not one piece of chocolate, but 2 whole bars. Yeah - 2 whole bars.
ooooooooooooh yeah i'm feeling it. Bring it on. I am hoping to get back on track - just don't know when....
Hoping everyone out there is doing alright... lyn, keep checking in, ok?!?
kiya

Kiya, maybe you can get all the chocolate out of the house?

BB

I'm sensitive to chocolate too (probably not technically allergic although I do have quite severe allergies to some things....)

Not sure that keeping chocolate out of the house is the answer.... but might stop midnight feasting

((((((( Kiya )))))))

hey have a good appointment today... take gentle care of yourself...now i know you already know this but their are "good" chocolate alternatives... you are so strong kiya... your an insperation to me...lyn

how was your appointment?

Mmmm B Bear - Great idea... *but*... it wasn't in the house. I bought them and wolfed them down... and a third today. *sigh*. T picked up on that right away when I told her - quick to jump on the "Another way to hurt your body" and her eye brow did that Spock thing.

(((( fuzzy, Lyn ))))
apnt was ok. I had a lot of anxiety going into it. Right off the bat she asked me what I wanted with the extra time and how can she help me - I never know what to say! I looked at the window a lot... and the floor... but I knew (really deep down) that it takes me time to "get" there - to the point and it was good that we had the extra half hour.
talked first about the ptsd from working the aftermath of hurricane katrina (since that is easier for me to access), then spent a lot of time trying to figure out together how we are going to address SI and also address the DID and getting me not to SI in the process. I have no idea what was said - even when I think i'm not switching, i switch... or was "out of the office". That's about all i remember... that and making sure that she knows that clear questions (that ask yes or no answers) are best for me, because anything deeper than that and I am off in Never never land (DID).
kiya

kiya i am not DID but i definitely know about disassociating... i can even answer questions when i have checked out... my kids figured that out when they were younger...and i found myself saying "what did i just say yes too?" i can tell you in detail what books he has on his shelf and the design in the rug i use to ground myself...but sometimes i have to call him and ask him what we talked about...i find myself watching the clock...knowing that i need to tell him soon...but not being able to find the words... that's why the journal works well for me most of the time... except that sometimes it triggers the urge to cut...you did a "great job" today...candy bar or not...lyn

thanks lyn. that little bit of praise helped make me feel better about my day.
i do feel like i missed something - something probably important. my mind seems to be far away from me right now.
How are you doing??? It is nice to check in and hear from you (and everyone) daily - makes me more connected - something that matters outside of my little corner of life.

6 more today - mood crashed earlier complete with panic attack. yeeeeeeee hawwwwww.

(((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))

thanks fuzzy