[Zenobia]

Just needed to see blood this morning. Simple as that. Minor injuries, easily covered with bandaids. Talked with the girls though. Had a meeting for work. Think I should up my husbands life insurance policy. That way if he buries us in debt and he dies I am not left with the bill. Will ease the tension a little. It is all so stupid though. We have a home, we are well fed, we can still pay the bills and here I am cutting on myself. Doesn't make sense. I feel like a whiner. But I know it is deeper then that. It is being decieved that I can't stand. I can deal with bills. I can deal with going without. It is being disregarded that is sending me over the edge. It makes me feel like nothing. He cooked me dinner and did the the dishes. He is a wonderful man in all ways except for one. He loves me and never intends to hurt me. But my BPD brain wants to hang on to the fact that he ignored me, that he hurt me therefore he isn't worth pig excriment. I should leave him, my brain screams, I should run. But I can't live without him, I need him, I want him. I will die if I am not with him. There is grey. No person is perfect. I know this, I try to grasp on to the knowlege of him just being human and having a fault but BPD doesn't want me to see it. I fight and I struggle to hang onto my training, to do the steps to alter the distorted thinking, to come back into the grey. This morning I gave up. I just needed to see blood so that I could...I don't even know why. I just needed to see it.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry for the pain you're in. You know I'm BPD also and the constant battles to stop what goes on in your head is very difficult.

You're human.........you gave in. You are a strong willed person and you'll get back on track. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

xoxoxox

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[Zenobia]

thanks Ozzie, Candy and Maryalice. I have slid into my next coping thing. I went to the store and bought $50 in cleaning supplies and started cleaning the house. It is always nice when it is done. Doesn't last long because then I usually slip into a exhausted depression. Sigh. Hubby saw the cuts. I had my sweater sleaves pulled up because I was cleaning. He asked if the dog got ahold of me. I have been biten by the dog before when trying to do things he doesn't want done like toe nail clipping etc. I just shook my head and went and cleaned something else in a different room. I can't admit to him what I have done but I will not lie anymore. I guess that is a step forward.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

[Leslie]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((carrie))))))))))))))))))))

I just want you to know I am thinking of you. Hang in there.

Leslie

[wisewoman]

Someone told me that it's just a slip up and that we start fresh and learn anew. It helped me. Not a final thing. Sorry you are in this space. Sorry you hurt so much. I hope you find comfort in any way you can that's healthy. Good for you for not lying. Be well.

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

[jetblackaura]

sorry, i know this is probably a really obvious question and i might know the answer but can't figure it out right now cause i'm stupid...but what is BPD??

[Rapunzel]

Borderline Personality Disorder (the only stupid question is the one that doesn't get asked)

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

[Zenobia]

One of the more difficult parts of being borderline for me is the black and white thinking. I believe it is what causes most people to view us as histrionic or even as manipulating liars. A person or situation tends to be either all bad or all good. It is hard for me to see the perverbial grey in the matter. So when someone upsets us he becomes the worst person on the face of the earth and we hate him. When things settle down, or more then likely, when we become afraid that person is going to hate us back and leave us we can become sickening sweat and try to make things up. Consistancy is not our strong point. There is the added benefit that when we are in one emotional state we have difficulties remembering that we have ever been in another emotional state. If we are angry at a person we have ALWAYS been angry and the other person has ALWAYS been mean. But once the fire settles down we tend to totally forget about having been angry...until we become angry again. I say "we" but always remember that not everyone with BPD shows the same traits to the same degree so some may not have this problem at all or at least to a much lesser degree. I think the black and white thinking AND the poor ability to remember past emotions is the major contributor to my self injury.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying