[Kiya]

Ok... so i know this will sound odd, but here goes.
So, i have a lot of food allergies - like nearly everything edible - but have severe cravings for somethings, but they make me REALLY sick. So it ends up almost being a binge/purge cycle. It is difficult to talk about because it seems so stupid (to me). One is chocolate. i LOVE chocolate - but am highly allergic to it. I've been on a medically restricted diet since July and this is one Major pitfall for me. The other (in food) is rum. Both of those either coincide with, cause, or effect my mood swings and switching with DID. ...as does cutting. So those are my three vices, as it were.

Really, I think the foods lead to mood changes which leads to cutting. So i can't address the third one. But i can address the other two. Told ya this was odd.

Tomorrow will be one week with NO chocolate. and no cutting. I am feeling stronger this time around and must continue to stay off chocolate. So... I am officially counting days. If this is really what is effecting my mood, then feasibly in a month, my moods might improve and i might have a chance at getting myself out of this rut.
Thanks for reading - and supporting.
Kiya

[sujunew]

(((((kiya)))))
that sounds really tough. I kinda understand the chocolate one, but from a diff perspective- I have diabetes and when my binging was waaaaaaaaay out of control it was always on king-size bars of chocolate., which then severely affected my diabetes, which then affected my mood, and so the circle goes. Interesting though that years later I never touch chocolate. I sort-of 'grew out' of it and don't even really like it any more.
Good luck, and just take it day by day. And as I have heard it said, you have to treat yourself occasionally otherwise then you really will crave it, just try to in moderation.

[bchlyn]

kiya... you make a lot of sense... i think the things we eat have a lot to do with what is going on with si... i did an experiment... this weekend... last week on tuesday when my anxiety was so out of control... i had 3 large mugs of coffee (not on purpose well on purpose but not as an experiment)... so the rest of the week i did half decaff half caffeinated... and guess what... grrrrrr so this weekend i made regular coffee and almost immediately after i could feel my body react... so i guess its decaff for me do they have de chocolate? i know my med doc has told me to stay away from coffee, caffeinated soda and chocolate when i am having anxiety... as for the connection with si... anxiety is the trigger for me... and when you add flashbacks and real life fear... you know? i am proud of you for making the connection... stay safe...lyn

[bipolar_bear]

What a good observation. I'm glad that you are working on it and I hope it is an important key to your healing.

BB

[Christina86]

(((((((Kiya))))))))))))

Go you! You can do it.

[Kiya]

Thanks all (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Yeah - that is it - cravings, anxiety, SI...
I can't even have one square of chocolate or a shot of alchohol because those things totally mess up my digestive system and cause severe migraines -as well as mood changes which lead to SI.
On day 7.
Thanks for understanding this!!
Kiya

[Perna]

Glad you're doing so well!

[Kiya]

oooooooooooooooooooook - it's that time!!
I want chocolate!!!
I really want it now. Stress with a paper that is due tonight that i haven't started on reading i haven't done... my "roommate" (mom) being totally nuts with "clacking" - i think an early stage of dementia.... my own health problems bugging me.....
I want to numb it all.....
Breathing...
What can i have instead? I can write my paper.... I can ... ummm.... have tea.... um..... i can go to the store and get some fruit.... Why is it hard to implement the GOOD positive coping methods?!

[Christina86]

((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))) Breathe. You can do this. What about having something salty instead? Not really healthy, but it's a comfort food for stress that usually works. I hope your paper comes along. If it helps, I should be studying for an exam tomorrow that I've yet to start (really need to do it too... sigh).

I hope everything works out okay.

[bchlyn]

because...si works so well for us .... maybe only in the short run...but it works.... you can do this kiya i have faith in you... what is your paper about?

[Kiya]

ugh - i just finished it - about Ethics and what type of normative ethics theory we fall into and how we solve work crisises. I don't feel i will get a very good grade - I keep doing the assignments as if they are personal reflections and forget to include course content.

I did get through today - but messed up by eating something else i forgot is on the allergy list. *groan*. so i was still sick. I have to be careful with that, too, because once that happens it's like - welp, might as well really ruin things and screw up!
((((((((((christina, Lyn)))))))))))))) thanks.

[bchlyn]

i am sorry that you had a reaction to what you ate... hope it hasn't triggered the urges... i get like that too... if i blow it a little then i want to just keep on... you can do this kiya... stay safe...lyn

[RebbieDoll]

on a more practical, everday note [thats about all im good for anyway], i think carob is a good substitute for chocolate. just in case.

[sujunew]

I love carob, but since I've gone off chocolate I haven't even had any of that...
Sorry you had that reaction kiya
(((((kiya))))), keep up the good work though, you're keeping strong and the benefits must be worth it

[Kiya]

Hey, good point, y'all I forgot about carob. Funny, since i grew up on the stuff. I honestly don't know if i'm allergic to it these days or not. Hmmmmmmmm... maybe when I get a bit further along and really off the dire cravings, I can find out.
Thanks!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Kiya ))))))))))))

[Kiya]

Day 9. =) kiya

[sujunew]

Kiya, keep up the hard work. 9 days is awesome.

[Kiya]

Thanks =)
that helps alot

[bipolar_bear]

That's great Kiya.

BB

[Kiya]

these things i REALLY want:
i no can have any of them. really REALLY annoyed.
urge to cut was very present. i am safe - just aggrevated.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
oh and my t once again has the wrong date and time scheduled for me for this week. honestly... she's horriffic at scheduling - and the front desk of the clinic seems to be worse. she called telling me she can't meet friday due to a class she's teaching - well, it was never on friday!!! It was thursday and i moved it because of my temp job... so from 10 am to 6 pm. So i may not get in this week. I'm kinda tempted to quit that clinic. I like the t, but we go through these scheduling snafus every week.
doubble grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[bchlyn]

kiya i am sorry that happened again... but it sounds like your in a better place emotionally this time... it is really hard when those things happen... lyn

[bipolar_bear]

Maybe you can talk to her and the scheduling problems you are having. I am sorry it is happening as I know how frustrating that can be. I'm glad you stayed away from those foods.

BB

[Kiya]

((((((((lyn, B Bear))))))))))))

She called again to tell mer the apnt i had been given was not an apnt time - it's a community dinner that they all attend every week. Sooooooooooooooo no apnt for me this week. Fortunately it isn't too long to the next one (again scheduling mishaps) - monday. The other thing is that it is *never* ever on time. So instead of 6:30 it will be 6:45 - which really means 7pm. She always runs 15 past what she says.
Yeah - i guess i'm in a better space... I'm not desperate or in danger. Instead, I'm in "I really don't give a rats ***." Lovely expression - i wonder who coined that one.
meanwhile, i'm on day 10 (and here's the real sucky kicker), and I feel just as bad digestively as I did when i ate what i wanted.
I will continue to stick with this in the case of "this takes time"..... and eat my cardboard "bread", my almond milk, and butter beans....

[bchlyn]

i understand your frustration... my t is really good about staying on time...but has so many clients that when he has a conflict he has very little wiggle room... i feel like i lost a lot of ground over christmas.... i am sorry that your still not feeling well... i hope you get the opportunity to let talk to her about the scheduling issues...stay safe...lyn