an oddity -support

call the pharmacy... i think you can make a natural rinse with salt and distilled water...hope your feeling better soon... how are you doing with the underling reasons... lyn

like being inside a mosquito net, surounded.
Hmmm.. i guess i could clairify that more. So i'm in therapy with a new t. the past 4 months we've talked *about* the process and what we will one day have to talk about when I am in a better place... slapping away the mosquitos. we;ve not really started anything... yet it is getting closer. i do have more of a rapport with her than any other t and i trust her more because she is more stable and steady in who she is. and i know i have to deal with the issues... and i don't want to because i feel they will overwhelm me. i'll get malaria and die. so i try to keep numb... so i won't die...? i guess.
and yourself?

kiya... you will get to the place of looking at those issues... and you have such a head start on me... it's hard work... i think we have to revisit them at different times in our life... i am finding out that when i should have looked at them and chose to ignore them... made them turn into monsters.

i am in a little different place right now...but remember that place well... i have started to deal with the issues...but it seems that as soon as i start to get some clarity... something happens and i can't get to that place of healing... the immediate crisis takes precedence and i have to stuff all the feelings and new found reality into a box and place it on a shelf in my brain... leaving me in a harder place... i never get to process the information, look at what happened and place the responsibility where it belongs... i don't know if that makes sense...in my head i know the truth...but in my heart it's all still tangled up... not sure if that makes any sense...lyn

it makes total sense. I think that that is where i end up going when things try to come up for being processed. I had to use the mosquito analagy - really somehow my mind associates the abuse with 8-leggeds and now days I keep thinking i see them everywhere. THere are triggers in my office - i think i see one. My mind starts to bring something up to process, i feel them on me. as one might imagine - that is awful (oh, they are my BIGGEST phobia), so then i start cycling downwards and want to numb. So when I am not allowing myself to cut or eat chocolate, I end up cheeck chewing, or digging my nails into my arm. Or trying to find some "accidental" sharp thing to bump into.
I keep giving myself a mental shake everytime i get another image of an 8=legged... i am not liking this at all.
kiya

(((((( Kiya )))))))

You'll get there eventually. I think a lot of us struggle with that where if we don't do one thing we will find something else to do instead, maybe that isn't as noticeable or doesn't seem as bad. Even unintentionally (example, I started grinding and gritting my teeth constantly, and broke one). Some day you won't need to hurt anymore. Try to believe that. Maybe even try it as an affirmation. "Some day you won't need to hurt anymore."

And 8-leggeds won't always have the power that they seem to now. It might not help, but think how much more scared they are of you. You can hurt them much more easily than they can hurt you. But you still probably find them creepy, especially if they are associated with memories.

Rap

Thanks Rap - I will work on remembering that I won't always have to be in pain.
the past 24 hours have been full of sucide idation. I'm not planning anything and didn't even use the razor i was holding. i don't think i even slept last night - it was all just almost lusic dreaming of the various ways and how they might be accomplished.
i'm in a hard part of my diet right now - close to fasting (yes, this is medical with an MD). ANd one I'm not too happy about at the moment.
I'm trying to bully my brain into working on my paper due tomorrow. but all i want to do is sleep.
Hugs, Kiya

Thanks. =) Today is day 19 - no chocolate, and come to think of it, no cutting either. got close a few times. there has been cheek chewing, but i think that's it =)
Kiya

Great For You KiYa!!!!
You Go Girl!!!!

You're doing it!

Sometimes it's One Day At A Time, and even One Moment At A Time!

You're are doing it Congratulations!!!

that is so great kiya... lyn

Awesome Kiya. You are doing great.

BB

Thank MLP =) the smiley emoticon made me laugh =)

Lyn - how are you doing out there?!?

mmmmmmmmmm. day 1.

not sure why...or how...but i haven't cut... don't know if that makes any sense

yeah it does.... ((((((hugs))))))

So yesterday REALLY didn't go well - "major depressive episode". so after sobbing all day, i skipped choir and went to a drop in depression support group at the hospital so that i wouldn't be alone with the razor here.
it was my first group experience - and probably my last.... boring as all get out. but it did keep me from cutting, which was the whole point.
kiya
oh yeah, day 2

i am glad you didn't cut...i am sorry you were hurting... remember keep your toes in the sand and your chin above the waves...ok?

day 3

Great Kiya. Just one day at a time.

BB

(((((((((( kiya )))))))))))

<font color="red"> (((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))) </font>

Congratulations on three days!

You're probably thinking, "Three days isn't much" ... but I know you are trying and that, Kiya, is the important thing to remember! You are trying. When you try your best, nobody can ask more of you.

Look at it this way, please. Count the number of days (say in the last 6 months) you were strong ... deduct the number of days you weren't as strong as you'd have liked and, in an instant of such pain you couldn't think of anything else to do, resorted to SI. What number is larger? Are you stronger ... or weaker?

I know I'm an "outsider" but I can see things you ... many of You ... don't and/or can't see. I see the <font color="red"> strength </font> it takes to have those <font color="red"> strong </font> days! I see strong people who have a weak instant, I never see weak people.

<font color="red"> (((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))) </font> Keep up the good work, you're a whole lot stronger than you think you are!

God bless you and keep you safe ...

GoodMama

thanks... i'm currently only counting SI in the from of cutting... everything else has gone out the window. I feel like i'm sinking again - like there's no point even trying.

((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))) Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have seen the results of trying before and will again. It takes time to replace these coping skills and there are setbacks at times. But you have had success and they will continue. Maybe you can just do it one step at a time. I am sorry that you are struggling so much. Know I am here and I care.

BB

hmmmm i posted a response to this...but, it must have gotten sent to cyberland...
any ways in a nutshell what i said was...that sometimes when we are struggling the most...it seems as though everything is hopeless... in reality you are closer then you think... that the climb is hardest right before the summit...and that i picture you sitting on a boulder... regrouping... redirecting... refocusing... i am in that place too... the place that feels so hopeless that you just want to give up... after all "i" will never get back on track...it's hopeless... there is strength in numbers kiya...we can do this ...lyn

(((((((Mamma, Lyn, BBear)))))))))))))))

ok... ok... i'll get up off my boulder and keep climbing. my butt was getting numb anyways...