********TRIGGER*******************

Well, I was in the hospital on 3/11 for attempting to OD. The hospital didn't keep me. I don't remember driving to my T's office or anything else till I was actually there and they let me go after drinking some charcoal.

I had my first appt. today with my T after this episode and when he asked me how I felt, I responded "like a house of cards". I can't deal with any stress or pressure at the moment. Needless to say, my T is concerned about my safety and it was a huge effort to get to his office today without taking some pills.

I am not working, although I was lucky enough to get unemployment. But I only have a few months left before that stops and I am scared of going back to work. As my T told me today, I am more scared of me than anything else.

My promise or word has always meant something. I never give it unless I can keep it. Today, my T wanted a 100% promise that I would make it home. My h has told me if I attempt anything again, he won't be there. He and my son will leave. I couldn't even give my h a promise today, yet my T wanted one. It was either that or deal with crisis intervention and possibly going to the hospital, which my T really thinks is the best option for me at the moment.

All the way home, I cried. I bitterly resented the promise that I had made and wanted to do it so badly. I sent him an email that told him no more promises. He'll have to trust me or I won't show up for appts. so that I am not put in such a position anymore.

I feel so fragile. Just waiting for the deck to fall.



Mary Alice

((((((((((((( Mary Alice ))))))))))))))
You're stronger than you think

Maybe if I cared more about myself Fuzzy. But at my time, my dad still has to help me out so I can take care of my family and I am living on the edge of the rope. I really thought that I had gotten past this - before now it had been 4 years. I was so proud of that. Now it's all gone.

I don't feel strong - I feel like an eggshell.

Thanks for caring.

Mary Alice

trigger




mary alice i have a verbal contract with my t ... it's that if i feel like i am going to cut he would like me to call him before... but if i don't i will call him after... if i am going to or have a plan to end my life... that i will call him and do nothing until i meet with him in his office... when i made that promise i thought...yeah right like he would really let me follow through after... but in the long run... it has made me feel safer knowing that i have made that promise... i really don't want to die... i just don't want to live sometimes ... you know?... and this is a way to help me remember that... lyn

((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{lyn}}}}}}}}} I had such a contract with my previous T, all written out and signed. When I was in jeopardy, I simply called him and he had the hospital on call waiting for me to be admitted. It did work well.

All I know is that today I got more meds, 90 of them, and I am not doing very well. I'm trying though.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{Christina}}}}}}} thank you.



Mary Alice

mary alice... if those meds are to help with anxiety/depression and help you get through and you plan to take them as prescribed... ok...but if not you should call your t and get rid of them... having them on hand isn't a good thing when your having trouble coping... i understand what your going through... and i care... please be safe... lyn