[jetblackaura]

Sorry i haven't been around much lately but my computer is lucky to stay online longer than 5 minutes, and i've been pretty busy because my boyfriend has been really ill the last 8 days or so and so i've been going round to see him alot.
I really am not good around ill people at all...i want to help and know what to say but instead i just get in the way and it's really really getting to me, every night i've come back from his feeling like a failure.
I didn't go tonight, because i felt bad today and so i thought i'd just be safer to stay at home and bury myself in school work. But he's said that he's feeling REALLY bad tonight and now i feel really really guilty for not going over and its just made the urges to cut so much more intense. I don't know what to do because he's the only person i'd tell how i'm feeling anyway and he's not gonna wanna hear my worthless problems when he's ill..is he?



Claire

[Rapunzel]

Claire,

You won't know how he feels about talking about how you are feeling unless you ask him. He might be concerned about you and want to hear how you are doing. I know that feeling like you're just getting in the way, and feeling like a failure. I've felt like that a lot. Usually it most comes from within because we have internalized a feeling of not being worth much. But I betch dollars to donuts that you are not really in the way as much as you feel like you are. And your problems are not worthless. You are not worthless, and it matters to you. You matter.

Wendy

[Zenobia]

Could feeling that way when you are trying to help be caused by feeling like you need to know what to do before you are told? This is how I feel. You know like I should know what to do and if I don't I try to fake it instead of asking. I wonder if you went to him and asked him what he needed you to do he could help you with these feelings of inadequacy and you would be doing things he really wanted you to do. It could be as simple as just sitting there holding his hand for a little while. Or you could take your homework with you and work on it there. That way he knows you want to be there for him and you have an excuse for not doing a lot.
Carrie

[jetblackaura]

Thanks, guys, what you both said weas pretty much very true, I'm kinda relieved but still worried today as he has been to the doctor and has been told he's got a lung infection so he has antibiotics for that, but he had to have a blood test for glandular fever or malaria I kept telling him he should've got his jabs before we went away. and he has been referred to the hospital for his back...i think he may have to have an operation I don't know why i'm so stressed about this because i dont know anything for sure, but i know that if all this does go ahead that i might freak out.
I gave in last night but i only just cut a little and so i won't need to tell him.

Sorry to moan and write huge longs posts...i just need to let it out abit.

Claire x