[Typo]

I'm so close to just tearing into myself. Today has been horrible and I'm tired of my family. No matter what we can never get ahead. I'm tired of playing the responsible one..I'm tired of it and yet I feel so guilty when I get angry at them because they are doing the best they can I'm just tired of having to be the third adult..the one that jumps in and fixes every thing. I don't want this..it hurts so bad..I feel miserable for being angry..but even when I do jump in and save the day it's never enough. The car's power sterring went out in town today and my mom freaked out..So I had to go and find help..I had to find the towing company..I had to make sure that mom and dad didn't leap into a big fight over money when the big concern was getting home and getting mom's car fixed. I paid to get the car fix and just because I won't go down and fix my great-grandfather dinner tonight my mom gets mad and yells at me after everything I did today it's like it wasn't enough. I know things are hard right now but I'm the child..I'm tired of playing the medator between them and I'm tired of saving the day..I'm tired of being responsible. I just want a vacation..some relief. Sorry now I feel worse because I hate ranting and raving I just had to get this off my chest so I wouldn't cut..Sorry.

[Christina86]

Hey, you're allowed to rant and rave about anything if it helps to deny the urge to self-injure. If it helps any, it's a good thing.

(((((((((((Silversparrow)))))))))))))

I'm sorry your parents are putting you in the middle of things. I've also found that to happen to me with my divorced parents, and it's never fair, and never right for them to do that.

Maybe you can sit down with them and set up some sort of guidelines or boundaries for the relationship you have with them so they don't take advantage of you?

[Kiya]

oy - yep, they sure are making you the third adult, just like you said. that is very impressive that you paid for the car to get fixed.

Someone finally told me that i didn't have to be the parent - that they are the parents, the adults, and they need to take care of themselves. to make matters worse, someone told me that i was *hindering* their growth by taking care of them... wait a minute, i still am taking care of mom.... *sigh*. THere's a term for that.... ummmm..... enabling. That i am enabling mom to be a child because i do everything for her and don't let her fall and figure out how to do things herself.

I don't know which is true... they may both be true (being responsible for others as good, and enabling). Just things to think about.

You are an angel - but also make sure to take care of your own wings so that when the time is right you can still fly away from there.

[Typo]

I hope I get to fly away..I didn't make it..I fell. I just couldn't hold out anymore. I was in my room last night reflecting on the day and doing some number crunching on wether or not I was going to be able to afford a four year universty. It's not looking good..and I got frustrated and angry and I cut. I don't want to deal with anything anymore no matter what I do I never get ahead. I've been working all week except for friday. And I still can't keep up or get money together. I have yet to recieve a single scholarship and I have filled out forms and forms. If I don't recive any finacnial aid I can't go to Universty of Central Arkansas like I've always dreamed to..I'll have to go to ASU live at home, go to school with my mom, and continue to work at sonic. I can't handle my dreams being crushed..not now..I don't know anymore..I just don't know. But thank you so much Christina86 and Kiya your words and support give me a little hope and keep me hanging on..

[Kiya]

Honey, don't let go.

keep applying for every scholarship you see (and GRANTS)
you can do this. Don't let anything hold you back. so, you fell. get back up, and go again. you can make your dream a reality. i believe in you!! also fill out financial aid forms. FAFSA forms. do student jobs. get a Pell Grant.
DOn't let anyone tell you no.
kiya

[Typo]

Thank you..I am filling all those fun forms out it's just frustrating and college is my chance to get away from here and live my life. When things get really bad I just look to college as my ray of sunshine. I'm starting again I fell but I'm going to stand back up thank you so much Kiya your a wonderful person.

[Kiya]

I know what it is like to stop believing and have everything be swallowed up in darkness. Keep your dreams - make them real. You're right, they are your ticket and you can make it. Let nothing keep you from it.

hugs, Kiya

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Silversparrow ))))))))))))))

[bchlyn]

thinking about you...lyn

[bchlyn]

how are you doing?... i noticed your ticker... do you need to talk about it?... i care... be gentle with yourself...lyn

[paintingravens]

(((((((((Silversparrow)))))))))))
Keep hangin' on. We'll all be here.

[mlpHolmes]

Hi Silversparrow!I certainly empathize w/ you. Just a few thoughts: Even if close to home GET AN APARTMENT, State college with a loan won't be so $$$ (sometimes your job will pay this after you graduate) Community Colleges, VERY inexpensive here & most credits are transferable later on. Get a job on/off campus (EVEN if close to home, GET AN APARTMENT with a roomate).
Good Luck!