[x_BabyG_x]

I SUCK!!

Smilies cannot express how crap Im feeling right now

babyg

[purplebutterfly]

You don't suck.

[x_BabyG_x]

I really do...

Before I start Im really sorry if this is a bit graphic, I'll have to put the trigger icon on.

I got a bit carried away last night. All of a sudden my object didnt feel sharp enough. I pressed harder - without trying to cut. Just to make a mark, or feel something at least. But nothing. It made a mark and it faded straight away. It felt blunt all of a sudden, I couldnt feel a thing and it wasnt enough so I pressed harder and made a scratch. Then, I saw a speck of blood and I realised I cut. I knew I give in again, but I didnt think it was too bad because It was only a scratch. But then I saw the blood and suddenly I just needed to see it trickle down my arm. Then when I saw it trickling that wasnt enough either and I wanted more and just couldnt stop myself. Because I had already given into it and that I hadnt done it in so long I thought I might aswell go all the way so I just went crazy.

It was different this time though, this time it didnt feel so good. Instead of savouring the relief like I usually do, I couldnt. Another feeling seemed to overpower it, and it was guilt. I didnt feel great, I just felt the pain, the stinging of it.

I was wondering around afterwards and I just didnt know what to do, I was in such a state. I didnt want to be alone, but there was no one who I could ring. It was 3am. I was completely alone with myself and all my bad thoughts and I was absolutely terrified. I kept looking at the paracetamol (id already taken 6) and thinking 'maybe I should just finish the bottle so someone else can look after me for once.' I was really shaken up, so I ended up ringing the hospital

Selfish thoughts. Selfish, selfish thoughts. Im so sorry, that had been so hard to admit. Im selfish and I only think about myself sometimes. I really hate myself today. I couldnt get out of bed, I didnt want to, but Phil rang me and said he'd come around for an hour to comfort me after my episode so I had to clean myself up. He said it was ok, as recently he has been reading about it and gaining information, so he knows a bit more about how Im struggling with it. I felt better him being there, but the shame just wont go away now. I feel so bad on him he's been trying to help me so desperately. I can see the hurt in his eyes, and its me who is causing his pain.

But to be honest I didnt think I would last much longer anyway. 41 days had been such a struggle.

My arm is seriously %#@&#! up.

babyg xXx

[Typo]

(((x_BabyG_x)))

It's okay hun..like you told me beat those 41 days!! You should be proud of the progress you've made. You don't feel the releif it use to give you anymore..so maybe that will make it less desiriable to do and that is a big step feeling guilty for self injuring..that takes a really long time to accomplish..I had that down for awhile until after the car wreck. I know you can do this and any time you want to talk pm me.
Best wishes and hugs!!
Silver

[bchlyn]

thinking about you... take gentle care...lyn

[Fuzzybear]

[darco]

you should feel good about yourself!! you were the first person to reply to my first post (you prob wont remember) and made me feel so welcome. When I posted I was feeling totally C&%* and desperately seeking something!! I was checking my post every few minutes and then I got your reply even offering that I could email you!! Wow i thought - is this for real? do people actaully read the posts?

I have not cut since!!! partly because you actually took the time to reply
since then everytime i go on to forums i first look for posts with your name and so far you have given others really positive comments. You should feel good about yourself!
All of us will stumble at one point or another just the fact that there are people like you out there who are strong through the struggles and can be honest about it is a Godsend.

You have honestly gave me food for thought - thank you. If you do stumble that is ok i have not seen a stopwatch yet that does not have a reset button!

Take Care x

[SophiaG]

Baby G, if you did it once, you can do it again. You can do it! Dont let this get you too down, it's just a bump in the road.

[bchlyn]

ok you slipped... that isn't what you wanted, but focus on the days you didn't cut... you made it past 40... that is great... be gentle with yourself ... lyn

[Christina86]

((((((((((BabyG)))))))))))) I'm sorry you're in a bad spot. I send hugs and love... please be careful, and try to be safe.

PS. You don't suck. Not at all. We all mess up, it's the counting of how many times we get back up that matters - really!

[x_BabyG_x]

Thanks so much guys... ((((((purplebutterfly, silversparrow, bchlyn, fuzzybear, darco, sophiaG, christina....)))))))

I have taken a break for a few days and I feel so much better now... It was the guilt and how stupid I was that made me feel like I felt afterwards that I thought I couldnt bare to cope with. I hate that feeling so much it's almost as bad as having your heart broken lol

I cannot thank you enough, it was the comments and support you guys left that made me get through it, all I had to do was look on the bright side and see my success rather than my failure and now Ive picked myself back up on my feet again!

So Im back on track and seeing my new T (finally!) on Wednesday, so I hope he can help, Im looking forward to it.

And again, sorry for the rather graphic post! Wont happen again I promise!!

Lots of love, hugs n kisses, Meg xXx