[Zenobia]

Finally the day of the appointment has come. In less then 2 hours we will be in Catherine's office. When I talked to her yesterday she told me I don't have to do this, I can back out if I want to. Part of me wants to turn around and run but a larger stronger part of me is so sick of having to deal with the same issues over and over and being triggered again and again and never having the anger truely resolved. The strong part is going to get me into the the office. The weaker part has already cut my body a couple of times today. I feel all dizzy and sick. If I close my eyes my body wavers. I want to say that I am scared but this feeling isn't quite that. My face is slightly numb. I guess the feeling is tense? Right? You can be very tense about something but not be scared right?
Carrie

[SweetCrusader]

Carrie,

You can do this! You are amazingly strong! Look at all you have done this week alone! You've been fighting. You've been taking care of business. You know what you need and you know what you want. You are READY to go and get it.

And Catherine will be behind you every step of the way. She will keep you safe and she will be strong with you.

((((((((hugs))))))))))

And Carrie, we'll be waiting here for you to tell us how it went. And with you in spirit at this session. Know that.

Lots of love to you,
Angela

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}

Just sending you some extra love and good vibes.
Wendy

[Zenobia]

Oh Angela and Wendy, I am so confused. Am I really crazy? How distorted are the way I see things? How much do I change the truth of things in my head?

The session went well, i guess. I faded out several times unfortunately, so my memory of it isn't as clear as I would like. I need to talk to Catherine. I need to call her. She didn't suggest to Chris that he get any counseling or any help with the money situation. She did make him promise, and me too so he would feel picked on, that he not spend any money (other then our allowances) on stuff without discussing it first with the other. That was it. She spoke to us as if it was known we would have another session but she never scheduled that session. She always asks me to schedule another session. I am telling myself she didn't schedule one because she wants to see me in our session in a couple of weeks to find out how things went. But part of me feels like I am the crazy one.

He told her I am like two people. One sad and one happy. Does he love the sad person? That is what I want to know. Maybe if I knew he loved her then I wouldn't have to escape her using the blade.

I don't know, I am just confused. To much information that isn't processing and to muddled of a head to process it anyway. Best thing to do is to put it aside. If I am crazy then I am. Just so long as he keeps his promise and doesn't spend money the he shouldn't. I can cope with that. I have been nuts long enough to be used to being so. Its ok.
Carrie

PS sorry if I offended anyone by using the words crazy and nuts. It is just how I feel right now. I usually don't feel that way. Confusion is disturbing to me. Not knowing what is happeing to me. Having my concept of the world shaken and not knowing where to set my foot next.

[SylverFlames]

*hugs* (if it's ok)

I hope things go ok.

Sylver

[Rapunzel]

((((((((Carrie))))))))))

I don't think you are crazy. You have ups and downs, and we all do. You are asking some really good questions here. How about asking those questions to the people who can answer them? Ask your husband if he loves the sad you as well as the happy you. I think it would be maddening to wait a couple of weeks to discuss this with Catherine. Is calling her to talk about it an option? I know I would want to do that.

Take Care,
Wendy

[SweetCrusader]

Carrie, sweetie I don't have the capacity to answer tonight. But I don't want you to feel ignored. I read your post and I'm sending you love. I will be there for you. I'll write more later!!

((((hugs))))
Angela

[Zenobia]

Thanks Sylver and Angela for the hugs. I can always use hugs from you wonderful people.

Wendy, I guess the suggestions that we have been giving to each other for years is starting to sink in. I tried talking to my husband last night. I did ask him if he loves the sad one. He told me she is harder to deal with then the other one but yes he does love her just as much. Then he kissed me on the forhead. He wouldn't talk about the session beyond that other then to say that he was glad he went. Catherine warned that sometimes after session people will discuss it and go into a blaming mode and she wouldn't want that to happen so he decided that it was important for us to not talk about it.

I called Catherine right before I came here. I left a message telling her that I am trying to connect the dots on what happened yesterday but I don't have all the dots. I told her I decided that instead of trying to make sense of--and consequently distorting--a picture that isn't all there I wanted her to fill me in. I gave her my numbers and where I would be today. I think it will be ok if she calls me at work. My co-workers know that yesterday was the big day and they know how difficult things have been and can be for me.

So I think I can put this on the back burner for a few hours and just do stuff without fussing over it in my head. I had more nightmares last night but fell back asleep quickly after each one so I just remember waking up but not the dreams. This is an improvement. So I am going to go clean out a cupboard. Or maybe pick up pears outside. My pear tree is dropping them at a very fast rate and they get icky fast.

Thanks again my friends,
Carrie