[itsjustme111]

Shoot. I am trying so hard to not think about SI. I was in chat for a long time tonight. I was being goofy but for a reason. I can't get my mind off of cutting. I am so hungry, it hurts. I want to eat but I just can not. If I eat and "get rid" of it, I know I will be mad at myself and end up doing other things.

Why do I feel this way. Today was good, good things are going to start. Maybe I am wrong. Geez, why won't my head turn off. I beg it, just shut down for a little while. Let me get some sleep so I can think clearly.

If I can get through tonight, I will be okay. I have gone from being sad, to feeling like nothing could touch me, to totally depressed, to this feeling of elation, to this sad person. All of this in like 3 hrs. What the hell is that. Its been happening a lot lately. Whats wrong with me. Arrrgggggg. sry.

Tomorrow will be a long day; too long. The kids dad is actually taking them for the weekend. What a shocker. Its good though, they do need to see him. I hope it goes okay. It will be nice for some quiet time; but I like the noise. And I am going to worry about them. I guess thats life. My little darlings, I do adore them.

Dreading starting this treatment, scared of what comes out of me. Pooie. I need to focus on my kids. Keep thinking about their beautiful smiles and warm hearts. They are great.

Justy

[SweetCrusader]

Justy,

Hang in there honey. If I had to guess, I would say part of the cause of these rapid shifts in mood is the fact that you ARE hungry. Most people get much more emotional and much less rational when they are hungry. It's a natural response to lose some of the control over your perceptions and responses when your body is in bare survival mode.

Hold on. You have things to live for. You must remember that and hold onto it in your dark moments. You know now that there is some part of you that wants to live- and many, many people who want to see you live, and NEED you to live.

And yes, hold onto the warmth of your sweet children. Let their little spirits keep your soul warm and giving, and alive.

(((((hugs)))))
Angela

[Rapunzel]

How are you doing this morning, Justy?

Try to hang on to that spark, the will to live, that you found yesterday. The feeling of elation might not stay all the time, and that's ok, if you can just keep the spark. Stay with us, and stay 'alive.' By that, I mean, yesterday you seemed to come alive - you were feeling to me like you were shut down to the point that you were not living before. Keep living. Remember what you have to live for - kids, people who love you, puppy, please add to the list as you can, and tell us too so that we can help you remember. Remember that there are people who want to help you, and call someone if you need to.

((((((((hugs))))))))))
Love,
Wendy

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} just wanted to give you a safe hug. Sometimes I get to a point where I am convinced that the food in the grocery store will kill me if I eat it. I know this is different from what you are experiencing but it is a powerful feeling about the food around me. I will walk into the store and wander around getting more and more upset because I can't find anything the won't kill me. What I do is I go to a little organic specialty store called Marlenes and buy just a few organic items and know that this food will truely nourish me and make me more able to cope with what is happening to upset me and trigger this phobia. By eating an organic food I am able to eat less and get more nourishment and feel better. Would this help you?
Carrie

[itsjustme111]

Hello all of you. I made it through without SI. Well to a degree. I tried to eat; and we know the story with that one. Thanks for the encouragement. I would have a long list of things that I want to live for. From the ones I love to the birds and the sky. I love nature and animals.

Thats a great idea Zenobia. I do think that is so similar to my thoughts with food. I like the way you put it. I feel for you, it sucks doesn't it. But that is a wonderful idea and I think I will try that. Thanks very much.

Well I obviously did not make it too treatment. Number one, My doctor did not phone to give me details. And number two, My little boy is sick. He woke up with a terrible migraine. Poor baby, what a lovely thing to wake up too. But he is feeling better now. I gave him advil migraine, which got rid of the worst part, then I just gave him a regular advil. So he is feeling much better and wanting to go to school for the afternoon. How wonderful, my son wants to go to school. lolol. So I am taking him in about an hour. Then their dad is taking them for the weekend. WOW HEY; dont fall over. lololol.

Justy

[Zenobia]

My little guy gets massive headaches sometimes. I think with him it is linked to water intake. I get him laid out on the couch with a cold cloth over his eyes and give him some ibuprophen. He usually crashes out really quick so maybe it is also lack of sleep? I don't know but I do know how awful it is to know your child is hurting that much. Come to think of it my son likes going to school too. Hmmm. Wonder if there is a connection. Ha ha.
Carrie

[itsjustme111]

My son can have problems falling asleep sometimes. He gets nightmares. I feel for him, they are often about his dad. He describes him as the "monster" in his dreams. My kids are remembering the abuse issues lately, it seems to come out in there sleep. I wish I could take those memories away. Its hard when they ask, "why did dad do that to you, and why did he get so mad at us?" Its heartbreaking. I try so hard to be positive, try to instill that we BOTH love them dearly and that we were going through hard times. I do let them know though that nobody has a right to hurt someone else. I can't ever excuse his behavior but to try to settle their sweet little minds is what I want to accomplish.

My kids have good nights of sleep but things trigger the bad ones. It seems like when ever dad comes up in conversation or if he decides to actually talk to them, this is when the rough nights creep in. I do give him ibuprophen but many times its not enough. The ER is the only option when he screams and vomits. Not fair to these poor little ones, it sucks. Many times I want to break down and cry for him. But I wait till I am alone, don't need to highten his suffering. Parents want the best for their kids and when they are in so much pain, its hard to watch and feel so helpless. Its hard when he litterally begs me to take it away. I always tell him that I would in a second if I had that power. He is so sweet, he says, "but mom, I don't want you to hurt." Brings tears to my eyes. He is so beautiful, inside and out. Can you tell I miss them. I will get them back tomorrow night. I can't wait to give hugs and kisses, and tuck them in for bed. (and I like the cuddling part too; lolol) not sure who likes it more, mom or the kids.

Justy

[Leslie]

((((((((((((((((JUSTY)))))))))))))))))))))))

I love to hear how you are doing and about your kids. I tried to send you a pm and it wasnt working. Did you get my e-mail. Please keep me informed. You are on my mind a lot.

Love,
Leslie

[Zenobia]

Justy,
Your post made me cry. I could feel your desire to make everything ok for your kids. Thank you.
Carrie

[itsjustme111]

Thats so sweet, thank you Zenobia. I love to hear how much you all enjoy my stories about my kids, they are great. I sure missed them. Glad to have them home.
Sorry Leslie, I fixed my pm problem. Its good to hear from you!!!

I got my babies back tonight. My son got to go shopping for his birthday with dad's better half; lol. So we were building lego all night. I was funny cause I suck at putting those things together. My kids kept laughing at me. I am good at stepping on the things though. They had a good weekend, what a relief.

The puppy was so excited to see them. We went outside, in the snow, to play with my son's remote control. I took the dog out with us and he was so hyper that I could not hold on to him. He almost broke my fingers, so I had to let go. He came back, a little cool out there. He was chasing the remote control car, tried to get him back that way. He is too smart though, if it came near me he ran away. Little bugger. HEHE. Got to love him.

Anyway, happy to have my darlings home again. I love their smiles when I picked them up. I tried not to laugh but my little girl said that dad made a comment about how good I look. I thought, hmmm, he never said that to me when we were married. Too funny.

Justy