[SweetCrusader]

Hey everyone,

So I am having major urges these days. So far, so good- I haven't done it in over a month. But I am really struggling not do to cut!!

I have this new therapist for the time being, while I'm working on arrangements to go back to my other one. This new T is through the college counseling center and because of that he cannot tolerate a lot of si. He said if I did it once or twice and it wasn't severe, then he would work with me on it but that if I do it too frequently or too severely, he would have to terminate therapy and refer me to someone else basically because the counseling center cannot put me in inpatient care. I guess he thinks that would be warranted. Well anyway, he didn't specificy how many cuts are too many or anything like that.

One of my "issues" I guess, with si, is that I love to do it and keep it secret. I was overcoming that (finally) with my other T because I felt obligated to tell her the truth and let her know every time I cut. This helped give me incentive NOT to cut. Now I find myself thinking, well I'm not in therapy with her right now, so I'm not obligated to tell her. And I can find reasons for NOT telling him- like not wanting therapy to be terminated. And I don't feel obligated to tell him. So now I'm fighting this HUGE urge to do a LOT of cutting. I'm not urging to do it too severely, but just a LOT of it. Frequently. Ya know?

And also I haven't cut on my arms for 2 years. I cut on my thighs instead because it's easier to hide. BUT I far prefer my arms because it's easier for me to do worse cutting on my arms because my thighs are so much softer. I hope that wasn't too much detail. Anyway, I stopped cutting on my arms because (1) it's harder to hide and (2) I will cut worse if I do it there. NOW I am really wanting to cut up my arms. And I could probably pull it off because I'm living in a much colder area now and it's coming up on winter, so wearing long sleeves is the norm. I really want some cuts on my arms.

I don't know why I told all that. I just wanted to tell.

Angela

[HALLIEBETH87]

At least your therapist tolerates it at all. i started therapy for the first time about 2 months ago. my T said I can't do it at all, cause if I do she'll put me in a hospital. Yesterday she made me show her my arms- i got caught. Now I have to be careful b/c i'm terrified if i get caught again i'll be hospitalized. She doesn't understand you can't just up and quit. She has like zero tolerance- I hope I don't get hospitalized! Don't cut your arms.

[jetblackaura]

(((((((((((Angela)))))))))))

Don't stop your good spell!! You're doing so great. I know it's hard, but you're strong and you can get through this without cutting. I hope you don't cut.

You're in my thoughts.

Claire x

Perhaps you can make a committment to your future patients, hun? The strength you have now is being gathered up, so you can share it with them....so you can offer it to them - it's a blessing I think (another thread topic!).

Perhaps you can try to make a no-SI committmet to them and to yourself. You need to take care of Angela so she can be the best caretaker for the posters here, and for your patients yet to come. You've read about Social Learning Theory (remember Bandura?). People learn by watching others. Other folks with an SI problem may be able to learn skills and determination from you.

Wishing I could sooth your hurt.

Emmy

[SweetCrusader]

Oh you have to play the future clients card, eh?

That makes me feel like I really shouldn't do this. But I want to soooo much. And the stupid thing is, I'm even sure I'm IN any pain. I wonder if I even have any pain at all. And I wonder if I have a right to have it, even if I did.

I am probably making no sense at all.

Of course you have a right to your feelings. It sounds like you feel sorta mixed up right now. It's ok to have 20 feelings at the same time, sweetie. It's completely natural. Try writing them each down; just a list of words. See if you can sort them out. Even cut them out and literally sort them if it helps. Look at each word, like "anger" and see if you can figure out where it comes from today. Might be you stubbed your toe, might be an old bad memory. Just work on them individually. It's too much to do in a big pile. Tooooo confusing and overwhelming.

Take care of yourself tonight. Eat something healthy, OK? Nourishing yourself is like self-parenting.

emmy

[SweetCrusader]

Alright, I decided not to do it today. I actually almost went and bought some new blades for it, but I didn't. Phew. Another day. Isn't that what it feels like sometimes? Like just one more day with no si is a really cool thing? Every single day for the past few months I have been fighting and fighting urges....

Well, I should be doing homework instead anyway!

Thanks for taking such good care of me Emmy. You are a gem! (And a great auntie!!)

((((((Hugs))))))

Angela

Oh sweetie pie! I'm glad you got through another day! I'm glad you reached out for help. That's such a sign of STRENGTH!! I'm very impressed with your hard work!

Auntie Emmy

[NicoleB]

((((((((Angela)))))))))))))))
I am sorry you are feeling so down right now. I am glad that you were able to make it through the day. I understand the urge to cut and you have helped me through it many times whether you knew it or not. Keep up the good work and do something nice for yourself.
TC
Nicole

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks Halliebeth87 and jetblack, for replying and helping me out. *hugs*

[ktp]

((((((((((ANGELA)))))))))))

Big, warm, tight, squishy hugs you lovely dear.

I'm so glad to see that you made it another day!

Stay safe!
Kimberly.