[Melpomene]

I jsut never thought I'd self harm. When I was younger I just didn't think I would do it, I thought it was pointless.

The one day I was holding a knife and I did it. A few weeks later I did it again, afew weeks later I did it again. Then I wanted to stop.

I remembered how one of my other friends had self harmed and I didn't like it. How I thought she'd only done it for attention because she was freely telling people. Still didn't like it.

I've only ever told 2 people what I did, one of them because she was there and needed to spill, another because she has depression and had done the same thing. And it really hurt when my mother suddenly said to me: "If you thought about self-harming, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?" so i lied and said yes. And I had only done it once since. Untill last week.

I just felt bad and I was trying up and there was a knife in my hand. One cut, barely nicked the skin, second cut, not deep enough, third cut okay, blood. Why did I do that again? It was like it had happened before I gained control of myself.

I do it on my hand, if it's on my hand I can say my cat scratched me. I use my cat as an excuse and I feel bad for it. But it's handy.

And I still don't know why I do it. it's like, emotional pain isn't enough, I have to make it physical. And then it leaves me with a sense of inner numbness.

And after the first time I never thought I would do it again. I'd been tempted, but I hadn't, and after every time I was sure I wouldn't do it again. But I did because I couldn't control myself.

I'm a stupidly slow healer. The one time I cut on my leg in about March is still there. You can see it, but you can't feel it. It's like the evidence is there to haunt me and tempt me to do it again.

[lenjan]

I think we've probably all used the cat scratch excuse. One time I told my boss, who had inquired about the huge bandages on my arm from an ER trip, that I had been washing dishes in really soapy water and got "bitten" by a knife I couldn't see. He bought it.

You said yourself why you do it, why most if not all of us do it: It's because nobody else can see our emotional pain. If you can make a physical manifestation of it, you can at least hope that people will see and try to help. Oftentimes it just freaks them out and scares them away, though.

I hope you can get some help to stop before it gets too far out of hand. Keep posting and let us know if we can help.

Candy

[Melpomene]

I dunno. One of the people I told is trying to convince me to get help, but then I get the doubts of: What if I've jsut convinced myself I have depression so I act like it to get attention?

[x_BabyG_x]

I used to think exactly the same before I started doing it. A really close mate of mine came to school one day and I accidentally caught a glimpse of three horrifyingly deep cuts on her wrist, so I asked her what it was about...

It terrified me to death, and I really couldnt understand it. I never thought I'd be doing the same until one day.... I started doing it. And by the time I realised I needed help, it was too late and I couldnt stop.

Its been 4-5 years now since the first time I did it. The person you have told is right, you do need to get help before it gets worse, because its most likely to get worse. You might not be able to see, like I couldnt, what your getting into - It might seem minor now, but you have already mentioned about the 'physical pain beating emotional pain' and the 'emotional numbness' that you feel with it, and trust me, you dont want to start relying on that because its difficult habit to break out of.

Try to use other things to release your emotions, like crying, screaming into a pillow ect - try to treat yourself more - and most of all, stay away from sharp objects!

Keep us updated on how you are doing hun, much love babyg xXx

[Melpomene]

I dunno why, but my irritability had increased over the last 2 months or so. I don't remember the last time I got angry except today. Anyway, I jsut got really annoyed today and smashed a glass. I was gunna cut to, but I just got out the house before I could. And I went and sat in ta tree for a bit, where I could watch people who couldn't see me.

And I didn't self harm, so maybe I should be glad about that, Too tired to be glad. I am the only person I know who can drink loads of caffiene and still not need to move more than typing.

I wish I wasn't so emotionless as much. I've been more and more emotionless recently than I have been sad, which in a way is good because I don't feel sad... but maybe thats why I've been getting irritable.

I'm so tired.

I think I'll go in for an anemia test. I've heard that anemia can cause depression and tiredness. You never know, Iron might be my cure all :S

Maybe that's why I like computers and the internet. little movement requires, and because I'm slightly depersonalized, it has more to do with my mind than my body. Plus it's not really interacting with people, but more interesting than lying on my bed doing nothing for days.

If I didn't have a computer in my room though, it might be a different story.

Sometimes singing (Badly in my case ^^) helps. Sometimes.

But I'll keep you updated.

[Christina86]

(((((((((Melpomene)))))))))))))))

I've used the cat scratch excuse. Unfortunately it's pretty handy, unless the person who sees it has an experience otherwise.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, it is a hard addiction to stop for a LOT of people.

Do you have anyone else to talk to about this, beyond your friends that know? A counsellor, a therapist or your doctor? It's always useful to seek help as early as you can, so maybe it doesn't become something that is mostly out of your control.

Be safe.

[Melpomene]

It was hard enough telling my friends, I don't think I'm strong enough to tell anyone else.

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

((((((((Melpomene)))))))

I believe you're strong enough! I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell anyone, either; but you made that huge first step and told someone. That's evidence of your courage. I think it's even harder to tell a friend than a doctor or therapist.

Please try to tell a healthcare provider. This is a tough addiction to break, and the longer you let it go, the harder it gets.

Good luck and take care,



J

[Melpomene]

I dunno.

I managed to tell my mum some of what does on with me, but not the self-harming, and we're talking about getting something herbal and seeing if that helps

If it doesn't I'll talk to her about getting proffessional help

[Melpomene]

I said I'd keep you updated, and I did it again today.

I've always been a calm person, but lately I've been really irritable, and I can't control it because I've never really been angry before, so I break things.

Which is stupid enough anyway.

and I self harmed right afterwards.

[x_BabyG_x]

((((melpomene))))

I hope youre okay

And I hope you can try and keep your anger and irritability at bay if it leads to SI... it does exactly the same with me aswell

babyg xXx

[Melpomene]

I've never had to control it before because I was never angry before I started on the pill (Which I'm not stopping), so I dunno how well I can control it.

But I need to try harder.

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

((((Melpomene))))

Do you know what triggers your anger? If you can find out the trigger, you can learn ways to either avoid the trigger or to deal with it in a healthy manner.

Good luck and keep posting, we'll do our best to help. Hope you're in a tolerable place right now.

Take care,



J

[Melpomene]

Currently? Everything triggers it.

But today I'm calm (So far)

Because I haven;t taken the ill, which is what seems to have caused it @_@

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

How long have you been on the pill? One of my friends went on it not too long ago, and the first couple of weeks were hell for her (panic attacks and mood swings, mostly). After that, though, she adjusted and is doing fine now.

Do you think you could talk to your doc or pdoc (if you have one) and see if you can get anything to help you in the meantime?

Take care,



J

[Melpomene]

It's only been a few weeks.
But I'm violent, and I really can't stand it because it's never been what I am, I've always been calm and I can't stand feeling this angry, going around smashing things and breaking things.

I'm like a toddler throwing tantrums.