hurting to feel better

<font color="red"> *** SI TRIGGER *** </font>

<font color="#000088"> i want to cut. to burn. to scratch. to beat. to hurt myself so i can feel better.

when i SI, i feel better. i punish myself. atone my sins. pay my debt. then i feel stronger. better.

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blue, think about what your saying here...

Do you really feel better? in the long run, do u honestly feel stronger??

Please dont cut, try to hold out today hun. Just ride it out

babyg xXx

i am sorry that your hurting so much... maybe if you talk about it you will feel better and not need to cut... do you have someone safe to talk too?... can you journal it?... you don't deserve to hurt... lyn

<font color="#000088"> babyg & lyn thank you for your posts

to anyone who reads this - i'm NOT trying to justify SI as an appropriate way to deal with things! i know it's not healthy. i would never encourage anyone to hurt themselves!

i know it doesn't make sense that i would feel stronger. but i do. when i hurt myself, i feel in control of my pain. i may not be in control of my actions. but i control the pain. where i hurt. when i hurt. how badly i hurt. by what means i'm hurt.

with depression i have no control over when i feel bad. or how bad it gets. or how it effects me. or how long it will last. sometimes it just gets to be too much.

i'm hurting regardless of whether i inflict injury or not. along with feeling the emotional pain, when i'm really bad off - like now - i have severe headaches, stomach aches, muscle tension, fatigue and even hives.

no amount of talking or sharing changes anything. i've been sharing my thoughts and feelings with a good friend for a year now. i'm closer to that friend, but no better off in my life.

i can't live life and be open at the same time. i have to close myself off. shut down. pull away. hide. the best way i know how to do that is to stop trying not hurt myself...and just cause injury.

i'm sorry. i'm not trying to be difficult or obnoxious. i started posting here a couple weeks ago because i knew what direction my life was taking. i posted here last summer and found it a great place of understanding and support.

i don't know. i know SI is wrong. but i'm taking medication and it's helping less and less. i've been in therapy and it never did any good. i've been hospitalized and came out far worse than when i went in.

i just need a little peace </font>

((((blue_roses)))

I do the same thing, I SI to punish myself. I feel better after because it takes away some of the shame and guilt. I am embarassed by the scars and so regret it later, but it just feels like something I have to do to make things "right". My t thinks it is a punishment paradigm that I learned in childhood, I mean, if I did something wrong and then got hit, that somehow "paid" for the wrong.
Just some thoughts, keep safe!

<font color="#000088"> thanks silversparrow & complic8d</font>

<font color="red"> *** SI TRIGGER ***</font>

<font color="#000088"> i caused bruising today. i've been so tense lately and my muscles ache. i figured i'd give 'em a real reason to ache. then i took a nap.

why is it almost fun? hurting myself. i feel a sense of accomplishment. i did something productive. i hurt myself. </font>

"Funny" how it feels productive. My t just doesn't get that.
Be safe (((((((((blue_roses))))))))