[lenjan]

My last post got lost in the ether somehow.

Christina suggested I repost, but I don't have the energy.

Here's all I have to say, at least tonight:

-- I suck.

-- I hate myself.

-- I feel like a waste of time, space, cells, you name it.

-- I'm pretty sure I'm beyond help.

-- I'm not all that sure I care anymore. I think I was just meant to be like this. Every time I get even the tiniest bit of self-esteem, I get battered right back down into the pits. Thus, I must belong there, no?

So, I'm quitting trying. I'm over trying to improve myself, my life, etc. Time to accept the worthless scum I am at my core and learn to live with it.

And really -- this is not a plea for people to placate me by telling me how fabulous I am, etc. It's just a statement of where I am, and how I plan to go forward from here. I'm exhausted,and there are only so many times you can be humiliated and beat down before you get the message. I apologize to everyone who ever tried to help with my SI, but it's taken enormous amounts of emotional energy to "behave" that I just don't have anymore.

[SweetSunshine]

((((((((((((((( Candybear)))))))))))))))

You know I love ya. And it makes me sad to see you like this. I understand where you are. And hon, there is hope for better days. I think the one thing that your doing is trying to tackle everything all at one time. And its dang near impossible to do that. Take one part and get it under control. After that works out for a bit then try another chunk ok? Its alot easier to do that way. I know it feels like you gotta do it all at one time. But honest to Betsy, I think its going to be more manageable for you this way. Get your T on board with this too. And if you need to vent or whatever. You can pm me or email me. Your worth this!!! Give yourself a break hon. And take babysteps ok? It will all work out!!

Luv ya
Bethy

[blue_roses]

((((((((((((((( candybear )))))))))))))))))))

lol! yep, you suck.

(you know i don't mean that)

no placating here. but really i think that all of us crazies are probably fairly fabulous. think of all those whimpy "normal" people with whimpy "normal" problems. they wouldn't last a day in our shoes!!

hold tight, candybear. take care of yourself. if for no other reason than the folks at pc rely on you to be here.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))
I've argued with your statements in my head coz I don't agree, but I won't write them here


Wishing for better days for both of us because I think we both deserve them

love
Fuzzy

[Christina86]

Good you reposted.

(((((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))))))))

You are permitted to be where you are at. It sucks, but perhaps you'll learn something good about yourself in the process? I know you have the power within you to get through this. I believe it, even if you've got a few bumps, scars and bruises in the process.

Nobody belongs "in the pits". If you're down there often enough, it can seem that way and you might put up the welcome mat and call it home... but it really isn't. You deserve much better than that. Sometimes though, like has a tremendously fantastic way of completely and totally really frigging sucking.

I do have to say something though. You are not worthless scum. At all. Ever. Not to mention the fact that scum actually does serve a purpose (a tiny joke). Candy, you're a good person and a great friend. Yes, your job sucks right now. Yes, your life sucks right now. But yes, it can get better.

Candy, breathe. Write out a list of a couple of things about yourself that you like that are positive. Post it somewhere where you can see it. Add to it whenever you can.

Love you.

[Fuzzybear]

bump

[MINIME]

((HUG)) thoughts and understanding nods.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself. It sounds like your life is terrible right now but that doesn't make you terrible. Please try and give yourself the compassion you show everyone else. You deserve it. Know I am thinking of you.

BB

[x_BabyG_x]

(((((candybear)))))

babyg xXx

[blue_roses]

((((((((((((( candybear )))))))))))))))))



just checking back in with you. (well, actually it appears i'm hitting you with a stick...but you feel the love, right! lol!)



take care

[lenjan]

I always took that particular smiley as the one guy poking the other in the ear to see if air whooshes out.

I am still struggling. Canceled my trip out of town, my vacation days for next week, and my job interview, because I couldn't deal with any of them right now. Thank you for checking on me, though.

[Rapunzel]

Just do what you can handle right now. And always remember that we we do care about you, no matter what.

I understand about canceling things that seem like they should help, because you can't deal with them. I do that all the time too. I've been delaying making a real effort to find a new internship and/or job for months, and haven't let myself have any time off because I couldn't deal with it last time I tried. But I sent in four resumes and applications last night. When you're ready, you can try again too.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))))