[lenjan]

I had a rough time in therapy last night, and I'm dealing with the "hangover" today. I have felt so bad all day that I want to resort to my traditional coping method for overwhelming sad/depressed feelings, which is cutting.

The catch is, I'm SO sad and depressed that I don't have the energy/can't be bothered to make myself do it. While I know it would at least make me temporarily feel better, all I really have the energy to do is go home, crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and not get up again. I'm supposed to be going out tonight, and I've been looking forward to it, and now I think "oh god, I have to mess with my hair, and dress nice, and try to be all perky and friendly to people when I feel like a completely worthless piece of s**t, and who needs it?" I just want to stay home and be a slug. I can't be nice to people when I feel this bad.
Apparently I can't even help myself, albeit in a maladjusted way, either.

sigh

Candy

[SweetCrusader]

Oh gosh yes! I feel this way SOOO freaking much. In another thread, I talked about how it seems like I start to cut when things are getting a little better, but not enough better to make me not want to cut. Does that make sense?

Lately I have spent MANY a night resisting si urges ONLY because I was to tired and drained to bother with it.

T says sometimes the best thing you can do is to just call it a night and go to sleep.

*shrugs*

Yeah I do know how what you mean, and I totally sympathize. Sorry things are so rough for you, Candy!!

((((hugs)))) if you want them

Angela

[ktp]

Candy:

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know what you mean. Have the urge but too tired to do anything about it. Not a good thing and not a bad thing either. Maybe it's our brains saying I can't deal with this right now and just shutting down. I wonder about that sometimes.

Good luck tonight, even if you just snuggle up in a comfy blankie and sleep it away...

Take Care of yourself,
Kimberly.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}

Sometimes going out may help - take your mind off things and maybe give your esteem a boost.

I've been known to crawl back under the covers as well - it sometimes takes way too much energy to get ready, and I hate trying to be "perky" in front of people. I think most of that is phoney anyway.

Do whatever you're comfortable with - it's what you're feeling that matters...........take care.

Mary Alice

[lenjan]

Wanna talk self-injury? I think I've perfected a new method, although it probably belongs in the ED forum instead.

I have just felt "unreal" most of today. Like, OK, my body is present, but my mind and soul have left the building, possibly never to return. I don't know if I can even really call it "apathetic" -- I just feel like an empty house. The house still exists if nobody's in it, but there's no life in it.

Ordinarily, if I want to feel something, I cut. Razor blades hurt, and they prove to me that I can actually feel something, anything, even bad somethings like pain.

Today I decided to try to anesthetize myself in a slightly different way. I didn't go out like I was supposed to because I couldn't face feeling like a zombie and having to interact with people when I wasn't really there, you know? Besides, with the Klonopin I'm not supposed to drink.

So instead, I decided to self-medicate with food. This has long been an issue, and is a story, or multiple stories, for another time and forum. But I went to the store, bought a frozen pizza, a big bag of chips, and a half gallon of ice cream.

So far I've had 3 bowls of ice cream, at least 1/2 of the bag of chips, and the pizza. And now I feel something -- I have the sensation of being full (and perhaps a little queasy, LOL). But I'm still not "home." The house is still empty. I still don't really feel anything at all. I'm aware that I'm typing this, but it isn't "me" because "me" is somewhere else right now, on vacation or moved or something and didn't leave a forwarding address.

I doubt this made any sense at all -- sorry. I'm going to try to go to bed now and hope "me" has found its way home by morning.

Candy

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}

Yeah, I know just what you mean too. Dissociation may feel strange and unreal, but it's something we use to protect ourselves. Can't deal with everything going on right now, so we just leave. Maybe we can't leave physically, but we can leave mentally. We'll come back when we're ready. Sometimes I have no idea why I'm dissociating, or even that I'm dissociating. Someone asks me why I am staring at them, and I realize that I was someplace else entirely. Maybe it's being overwhelmed, overstimulated, or just needing to think about something very intently. A letter from my T recently had me dissociationg for the entire next day (I tried to drive somewhere and barely noticed that I was on the way to the next city down the highway, having missed the turn-off to come home). A couple of days later I must have been more ready to deal with what she said, because it didn't do that to me anymore.

There does seem to be a connection between dissociation and SI. Sometimes we use SI to dissociate, and sometimes we use it to stop dissociating.

I know about not going out when you wanted to also. That's often one of the ways that I hurt myself - by not letting myself go to things I had been looking forward to. But other times staying home may be your best choice. You're probably the only one who can tell which you're doing at the time.

I sure hope that you feel better soon.

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((((((((((((((CandyBear)))))))))))))))))))))