Pointless, Worthless

I feel so pointless, I am trying so hard to resist the urges to SI and drink, I made it a few days then I failed.
I keep trying to stand up, but I always stumble and fall. When am I going to learn that I deserve to stay face down in the mud? That I deserve to hurt, that I deserve all the alcohol I drink alone at night, that I deserve to be a mute, that I deserve all these emotional distress.
I am guilty, I am worthless, I am nothing.

Nobody cares, Nobody listens to me, When I get the courage to express myself to my friends I am met by silence, or told to quit whining, or uncomfterble distant stares. I should know better, everyone else is allowed to share but Silver must stay quiet and listen.
Something I've learned my whole life why did I think it would change now?

So fine, I will stay quiet and listen to all of my friend trival dribble and comfort them when they cry but when it is my turn I will stay quiet and smile like a good girl, like I'm supposed to, because my emotions are trival and unimportant, I am trival and unimportant.

The urges are miserable, SI isn't the worse though, the urges to drink are the worse, Damnit, I'm rambling, when am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut. Sorry.

I most certainly do care! And plenty of others here do also.

You keep getting back up because inside you know the truth: you are deserving of a good life, and self respect. It's the dark side that tells you the lies you state above.

I'm glad you get back up, btw. Your self harming (in any fashion) can begin to ease as you know that I tell truth, I tell you the truth, I tell you the truth about yourself: you don't deserve to harm yourself. Pure and simple.

(((((((((((silver))))))))))))))

Find the REAL truth within yourself. No one else can find it for you =( But once you find it, no one can take it away from you either.
Being a teen especially is hard because ppl tend to just rub it off as "teen angst". I well remember.
But you know better. And your family isn't gonna help you with either of those 2 things.
Seek that essence of you inside, light a fire under it, and keep it tended.

many hugs, kiya

I care what u have to say. People sometimes are just not very supportive. Im sorry. Please know u matter to me.

Hi Silver, I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. It sounds like you aren't getting your needs met very well in your relationships and that your role in these relationships is just to meet their needs. I had to learn a lot about meeting my own needs and stopping being a service to others to meet their needs. People get like this because of how they grew up. They grow up having to meet the needs of others and not their own needs. This is very changable. I did it!

On another website I learned from others who SI that they do it because they have all of these unbearable feelings all bottled up and because they haven't learned how to deal with these feelings and release them, etc., they SI instead. To not SI they had to learn to release their feelings.

I also grew up not knowing how to deal with my feelings. These skills are definitely attainable at any age and at any point in your life. We were supposed to have learned these things when we were growing up. If you didn't you can learn them now.

I have also learned from others who have had drinking problems that they do it to drown out their feelings. Here again the trick is to learn how to deal with your feelings.

If you want I can continue to tell you about what I have learned through my journey.

Silversparrow, everyday you get up and try. Noone can ask for more, and i think most of us here understand that we all have days when we get up and don't have the energy for anything let alone resist our demons.

Noone deserves to be hurt, you deserve love and respect from those around you AND from yourself. Sannah replied beautifully. Please listen to her.

I used to not be listened too, till the point where i didn't know how to express emotions anymore...i'm still re:learning. You don't need to be silent anymore, you must raise you voice if they do not listen. Shout until you are not only heard but truly listened too!! If i could go back in time there are so many times i would have turned around and spoken instead of keeping my head down and scuttling away. It can change. (((silver)))

Talk here, i'll gladly listen. ((hugs))

((((((((((((((( Silversparrow )))))))))))))))