my life is pointless.

Last night was by far the worst night of my whole pathetic life. First my boyfriend starts arguing with me telling me that he doesn't think we are clicking. Then my parents start fighting, but it's worse than they have ever fought before. Yelling turned into screaming, which turned into my mom crying hysterically and it was just scary. I told my boyfriend about it and he told me it would all be ok. Then he sends me a text in the middle of all it saying I need to tell you something. So I was like ok what and he says "there is someone else." That was enough to cause a mental breakdown. I was in my room crying so hard I was shaking. I just wanted everything to go away. So I sent Sara a text. The person I adore most in the whole world. The person I look up to more than anyone else. The person who promised me she would never leave me. So she says she will be home soon and will chat online with me. Well she gets home and talks with me, but it just makes things worse. Here is a part of the conversation.

sara: learn how to deal with things, or decide that you don't have to deal if you don't want to
sara: but that gets me to what i wanted to say
sara: i was talking to my friend from school and she gave me/you some good advise
sara: you need to learn to depend on yourself and your dr and your family
sara: noone is perfect but that doesn't mean they don't care
sara: i'm not perfect either
sara: but my friend advised me to talk to you less. and it's for you that i do that.
sara: this doesn't mean i don't care or that i won't be here
sara: i do and i am
sara: but she said that it wasn't healthy for you to lean heavily on one person and she's worried that you do that with me
sara: and i'm really glad to help
sara: but she thinks that since you are seeing a dr now that you'll be able to start working things out on your own
sara: she made a lot of really good points
sara: this doesn't mean that we can't talk anymore
sara: it just means that you are going to have to talk to your dr and yourself to figure things out most of the time
sara: i'll still answer your emails and stuff, but you need to apply the things you talk about with your dr
sara: it's like koalas - if the mama always carries her kids then they won't know what to do when she's gone
sara: does that make sense?
mandyomgbbq: yeah.
sara: you understand that i want you to try this bc i've been told (by a survivor of anxiety) it would be best for you
mandyomgbbq: yeah.
sara: i trust you. and i wouldn't be doing this if i didn't

In all honesty I have never wanted to kill myself more in my whole life than I did last night. The one person I trusted and loved more than anyone else ...well she broke my heart. She is...well she was the best friend I've ever had. I don't know what I am going to do without her. She is the reason why I didn't SI so many times. She is the reason why I didn't take my own life many times. Now she doesn't want to talk to me, so what do I have left to keep me living? Why am I even still alive anymore? What is the point?
I was reading Macbeth the other day and an interesting speech came up that I was really thinking about.
"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
It is saying basically that life is worthless. We derive from dust, live our lives and then what happens? We die and some new fools come to live and do the same thing. There is no point to life.
I'm done now. Sorry.

From what I understood, Sara is still there. She didn't leave you. She just wants you to take a deep breath and step forward, on your own. She just wants you to be brave, and you can do it mandy ;]

I talked to my friend online yesterday too. And I ended up crying. He told me some great things and gave me hope that I can do it, that I can surpass it, whatever it is. And the most important thing he said is, "I trust you."

I think Sarah trusts you, too ;] That's why she believed that by talking to you less, you can do it. She really didn't leave you. You can still be the same to her, text her, e-mail her. I'm sure she's still there ;] She won't leave you at a time like this, but instead she's helping you.

I just want you to know that. I hope you get it now...

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mandazzle said:
In all honesty I have never wanted to kill myself more in my whole life than I did last night. (...)

I was reading Macbeth the other day and an interesting speech came up that I was really thinking about. (...)

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hello mandazzle,

life is not pointless, only if we deem it so. It is up to ourselves to make a point in it. Nobody can do this instead of ourselves, and nobody could do so as a substitute for our own efforts.

And it is not okay to react on partial withdrawal with self-aggression. It is not good for you, and it is not okay in the sense of being a true friend. Friendship cannot grow on the soil of blackmailing of any kind, and less than ever with the threat of doing harm to oneself. Love and friendship are children of trust and free will, they are given voluntarily and cannot be forced or reinforced.

It is very understandable how urgently you were in need of caring attention. But you should not try to force somebody to attention. It will come of its own volition. Your time will come again, too. You will feel better again. Friends will come back again. New friendly people will appear and listen and care.

But, please, do not make the mistake to cross the border between friendship and exploitation! This will drive away those of all people who like you most. Check upon your expectations towards friendship. Where would YOU see and set limits. A change of perspectives will help you to better see and understand your friends and their needs and duties besides friendship.

For the moment, things look pitchblack to you. But this will pass.

We all are so much more than a tale told by an idiot, without any significance. The opposite is true.

There are times, when we all are tempted to see things as bad as this person in Macbeth. But there is a huge difference between our tainted view of things, and things how they are in fact.

It is our sour mood that poisons things. But bad moods pass by. Then you will see things more clearly and in a better light, I am absolutely sure of that.

Hold on, be patient, esp. with yourself,
bluna

> I was reading Macbeth the other day and an interesting speech came up that I was really thinking about.

Even Shakespeare can be wrong...

I wanted to say something empowering for you, but I lack the words and wisdom.
I've looked from every angle and I can't see a solution.

But If you need a friend, PM me.

Mandy,
I just read your post and this thread. I too wish I could say something helpful and healing to you. Know that I, and many here, have been where you are, know how you are feeling. I have been in such emotional pain, feelings of abandonment, rejection, depression, wishing there was a pill that would make it all just go away. In my struggle to heal, at times I have had whole libraries of self-help books, sought help from counseling (to little effect), prayed, and struggled to put one foot in front ot the other. Life is pretty good for me now, and I look back on these experiences as "growing pains" and periods of learning to become who I am. I am much older than you, and I envy your youth and the life you have ahead of you. So much you have to look forward to!
I've seriously pondered what I could say or suggest to you that might be helpful. It might sound shallow ....this suggestion...but a counselor once "ordered" me to read THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE. I did purchase the book, and only found "habit one" to pertain to me, but it was, and is, extremely helpful to me. It helps you take a step outside your feelings and survey your own reactions, responses. I read, reread, underlined, and memorized that one habit. I recommend it to you.
Love and healing thoughts.
Patty

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I am having a rough time right now, so I don't have a lot of energy to post...in other words I have no answers. But, I want you to know I read your post and I care. hang in there.

(((Mandy))) The key thing is, you didn't. In the past, you might have. But when things seemed their blackest (and I agree, that was a bummer of a night!) and you felt like you "should have" ended your life, you didn't.

I know your heart is broken, and life sure doesn't look happy right now. But you made it through to morning. We've all had our hearts broken ..and if not yet, will. It is part of life, a really, really tough part.

When we don't have to rely upon one other person for life, when we are a person who can stand on their own two feet with occasional support from those around us, then we are in a better position to find a similar person, and that makes the best union. Relationships don't work well when the reliance on another is so heavy on them.

You have all the makings of a good future, now that you've realized you can make it through such miserable times.

Try not to misread what she said, though when we're upset that's easy to do. She says she will still answer your emails etc. Try not to read such dark stuff like you did, as it will send you spiraling downward. Force yourself to read uplifting, positive even humorous stuff!

Once you regain your balance, then you can think about what direction you want to go for yourself.