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#1
Nov 26, 2004, 01:43 AM
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my birthday is comming up... im no excited for it though.. just because its never a good day... Latley i been having ideas of death... even at work... i even talk about crashing my car for insurance money... It seems like i have been singled out. I over stress my self one of my co workers said, and that i shouldnt care what other people say.. but i did... lately i feel like im getting a panic attack you know the throat tightning and heart rate going up but then i stop it from happening by doing something... i have 3 cuts on my wrist... not much blood came out but it did fine... though i wish it would of bled all over.. i also have done the double sided thinking like what whould everyone else say if i did try and kill myself.. for somereason this week alone has been hard.. maybe its the full moon. i just feel rotten.... dont get me wrong people i work with are funny and nice but there are a few that will be mean... two faced some days.... well im just rambling on .. i will stop
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#2
Nov 26, 2004, 02:06 AM
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Birthdays depress me too. Sometimes I wish they could go by without being noticed. I try to be happy but always get down then feel bad for being down when my kids and my hubby are being so nice. It isn't about getting older. I don't care that I am getting older. I have not figured the depression out yet. Maybe next year I will put my finger on it...though something in the back of my mind is nagging on me saying that I figured it out this year but have forgotten.
Sometimes I have the fantasy that I have slit my wrists and am in the hospital and everyone is so worried about me. I used to wish that I would get really hurt or really sick so everyone would care and say nice things to me and take care of me. It all sounds so petty to say. Do you ever feel this way? Carrie |
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#3
Nov 26, 2004, 10:36 PM
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Okay, I will ask for help with something. Zen, I HATE my birthday, always have. It was pain shoved in my face when I was a child. As an adult I feel guilty that I can't just enjoy it. As I read your post it occured to me what I can do. I can PLAY. get some clay and colores and play. Have my family play with me and make a poster for the day. Remind me, My b'day is Jan 23
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#4
Nov 27, 2004, 05:31 AM
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You're not rambling. You are sharing your feelings-- and you are more than welcome to do that! We care about you here, and we want to know what's going on with you and what you're feeling.
(((((((hugs))))))))) I'm sorry you aren't looking forward to your birthday, and that you are struggling  Please be safe, Angela
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 Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name ~Alanis Morissette |
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