Bad days are here again *trigger*

I want to cut but I can't.....

damn meds!

I hate myself I swear I do....maybe this'll feel better later but the urge is very strong and I'm sorry guys. I don't want to bring you all down but this is very hard. I almost don't care about the meds. *sigh*

take care,
Kimberly.

Kimberly,

I hear you saying that you almost don't care about the meds. Fortunately you do and you also care about yourself. Wanna know how I can tell that?

You came here to post.....reaching out in a time of difficulty............that's good self preservation right there!

You're talking about what you are going through............feeling the feelings while staying aware that this is an urge and that feelings do change [maybe this'll feel better later...] Sounds like you know inside the reasons to keep taking care of yourself. If I knew how to help you learn to not hate yourself I would tell you in a heartbeat! I think you hate the behaviours or thoughts maybe.........not the YOU that is thinking them. Hmmm? Or is that just me projecting optimistic separation of self and disease?

I wish I could better express my own frustrations and pain as succinctly as you do.

Hey, you be nice to my friend!

********S Q U I S H********

Ok, in all seriousness, Kimberly you are such a beautiful soul. You don't deserve any hate or any more pain than you've already been through in your life. Please open up and tell us what is going on, so we can help you.

You can fight this urge. You can be safe, and you deserve to be safe.

I am here for you, darling!

Angela

(((((((ZH)))))))

I think you may be right. Well, I think you're right on the money. I'm just so frustrated and feel trapped. I'm just not sure if it's being trapped in this body that always seems to want to turn against me or if it's trapped within my own mind and it's doing this all. I've made an appointment with the doc and will go in on the 16th. I think I need a meds increase b/c it's been slowly getting worse for a few weeks. Still wanna do it, but I have my children and they keep me here. I feel out of control of my own life, these meds took away my freedom to do what I want to my own body. Or what I think I want to do to it. It would no longer be a SI issue when I'm on an even higher dose of anti-coagulants (they doubled it, which started this whole rapid downhill slide last week)

I'm just rambling I think so I'm going to go but I do so appreciate you, you are such a great person and extremely insightful and you read me like a book. DARN IT! LOL. See, maybe it's starting to get better already.

Trying to be optimistic (with the help of an extra anxiety pill)

Thanks so much
Take Care,
Kimberly.

(((((((((((Angela)))))))))))

Thanks hon. I think I might just be going crazy here. Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me. My meds haven't been working as well as they were and I have to go to the doc and I think I'm going to discuss an increase of my Prozac. Since my PE, I've had so many ups and downs that it just seems like a perpetual rollercoaster and it's more than my poor mind can bear.

I told my husband last night if it's not my body that's sick, it's my mind. I can't win for losing. This really started because we've been busy making household improvements and everything and there's been alot of people around that criticize me and I'm just getting over another round of sickness (YAY for strep throat!)and tmi maybe, but I'm PMS'ing wayyyy more than usual and see the fluoxetine helped with that. I'm not sure I don't have more issues. See and now I'm feeling extremely guilty for saying the things that I said in my initial post, but it's true. I do hate myself. I don't know how....I love my children, I love my husband, I love alot of people and I know I'm not a bad person. I hope I'm not bad, but it's just all the crap from when I was a kid, it's like I'll always be bad. Everything is my fault. I don't want to die, but a part of me wants to give up and that's just not making any sense to me. Why?

Sorry sweetness, I bet I just confused the heck out of you. Thanks so much for letting me vent though I am starting to feel much better. But the urges are still there (darn urges) and you know how that is. That's why I care so much for all of you. I know you guys know what it's like and what I'm going through when alot of people in 3D just think I'm really crazy.

Much love my friend,
Kimberly.

I think what you said makes a LOT of sense. It sure is hard to chase away those childhood demons

Everything is NOT your fault. And it's okay to be hurt and really, really sad, and even nonfunctional. (Take it from someone who's working on mastering the art )

You can always talk to us here. We understand and we care.

Love lots,
Angela

{{{{{{{{{{Kimberly}}}}}}}}}}}

That's hard. So many of your things are so much like my own issues. I can understand how you feel. Criticism, even if meant well, or even meant to be supportive or an offer to help, can make you feel so bad about yourself. At least it does for me. You know that you love your family. That's a very good thing. They need you, and they love you, and you are a good person.

Hang in there.
Wendy

((((((((((((KTP)))))))))))))))

Please take care of yourself. I'm thinking about ya. I'm here to listen if you need.

(((((Kimberly))))) Thinking of you and hoping these bad days pass quickly.

ktp... i really hope things get better for you soon. from what i have seen from your posts around here, you're a great person. i hope things get some better for you soon.

((((((((((Wendy))))))))))))

We are alot alike. I can't take criticism either. I mean it's according to whom is criticizing. It's no that I don't think constructive criticism is a bad thing, not at all and rarely does it trigger me. It's just this "YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" accusatory tone or my favorite "Shut up you're freaking me out". How nice is that? This is from two different women in my family. It's just crap added to the stinkpile as I wasn't feeling great anyway. Did you get the graphic I made for you? Offtopic I know but wanted you to know that I appreciate you so much.

Many blessings sweet lady,
Kimberly

Thanks EV (((((Hugs))))) you're a good friend!

Take care,
Kimberly.

((((((((((((((((((1day)))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks dear. I sure hope they pass too and it helps that someone else is out there urging them away! How are you doing lately????

Take care,
Kimberly.

silver (((hugs))) thanks for the compliment. It helped alot. Sometimes it's just like the saying "you can't please everyone" ..except I can't please anyone in 3D.

I'll work it out. You guys are so great, supporting me. Thank you so much!

Take care,
Kimberly.

There's nothing constructive about those comments from your family. ((((((((hugs)))))))) I would be freaking out too, or feeling victimized as my T would say. I do that a lot.

You made a graphic for me? Where did you send it? I haven't seen it.

Wendy

Let me see if I can find it

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...5&o=93&fpart=1

If that didn't work...ahem, hating to show forum ignorance....it's in Affirmations and then in a post to you about 5 replies down.

let me know if u like

That is so sweet of you! I love it. When I have a minute, I'll put it on as my signature.