Bad couple of days *trigger*

So...I know I've been around the past few days and talking crap about not SI'ing to others but the simple fact is I've got every bracelet I own on my wrists and it's not doing any good. So I added a few scratches (but no blood, can't do it)and now I feel better...somewhat.

This is a really crappy month for me. My son's birthday is the 30th and that's the only good day. My "mother" (mother-in-law) died last year on Nov 19. Her birthday was yesterday, which was a bad day for me. She was my mother, then I feel so stupid because she wasn't my mother but I know she loved me. And I loved her immensely and respected her always! Well I was with her when she died last year. We were talking and helping her into a chair and she just died. There one minute, gone the next and my world was turned upside down. She was still "breathing" while we called 911 but it was not the breath of life and I just kept thinking in the ambulance that she was going to be okay. We would not lose both parents within 6 months. No way. But we did and I was just devastated. I pulled it together for the kids, which means that I stuffed it all down and it came back to bite me in the butt. I've been SH'ing for years but haven't cut in awhile, actually a longggggg while. I usually just pull my hair out or won't let sores heal. I do things to hurt myself, pinching, etc. just to make it real.

Now I feel like such a disappointment because my mother in law told me 3 years ago when my stepdad died of an accidental poisoning, and I sat with him holding his hand for three hours until he passed away and it was a horrific experience but no one else could so I did it. Alone in a room, holding the cold hand of a man I could barely recognize. My mother-in-law told me I had no nerves, I was too strong, she didn't see how I could stand it. So that was me...the rock...everyone leaned on me. Everyone. Now I feel like a disappointment because I need someone to lean on so bad right now. I'm not as strong as she thought and I think to myself would she be disappointed. My heart says no but my mind says yes and that is more than I can bear. I hate talking to my husband about it because I know he has his own issues with it, it was HIS mother and I hate to keep bringing it up to him. So I smile and pretend everything is fine and he knows better, but when he asks I won't tell him.

I hope this all makes sense. Sorry to dump on you all. I had to get it all out. It's driving me crazy.

Many blessings to you all!
(((hugs)))
Kimberly.

*even bigger super more specialer squishies than usual*

I don't have any words of comfort right now, because i'm really out of it (sleepy), but i just want to let you know that i don't think hurting and grieving is a weakness,

and i can see why you hurt so very much.

i will be in touch, because i care about what you're going through and want to be there for you when i'm better able to, ok?

much love,
Angela

Angela,
Your reply meant alot to me. I'm not even sure that I'm making sense anymore. I'm sleepy too, so I understand. You rest and I hope you start to feel better soon. I know how you're struggling too, so please know that I appreciate you even more so now (if possible) because you did take the time to respond with the big super squishies that I so desperately needed at this moment!

Much love to you too dear and many blessings,
**Hugs**
Kimberly.

You don't have to be the strong one all the time. You came through for the family when they needed you. Your mom in law would not fault you for not being strong this time. Also seeing you grieve for you mom in law may help your husband as much as it will help you.
In light and love,
Carrie

((((((Kimberly))))))

November really can be a hard month. Besides the things that you have associated with it, it's getting dark and cold, and that just intensifies it. We need to stick together and pull through it.

Remember what I said in another thread about that we are entitled to our feelings? That includes you. It's ok to be sad, and when sad things happen, or when we remember sad things, we need to feel that way. Go ahead and let it out. Holding it in makes you feel worse in the long run.

You don't have to always be "the strong one." When you hurt, or just need to lean on someone, I hope that you have someone to support you. Even here, you give a lot of support to the rest of us, but it's fine to need help yourself too. Don't think of it as "dumping on us." You are opening up and letting us get to know you. I'm glad that you shared your feelings.

Love,
Wendy

((((Carrie))))

Thanks for the affirmation. I can't be the strong one at this time. No way. I just wish I could be. For quite some time I have felt like a lost little child. Really I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when my mom was hospitalized in August. She has DID and it's like everything came flooding back and I realized that I missed my "mother" (MIL) She would've told me the right thing. She was good at that. I could confide in her and she always was understanding. I think the thing that I miss the most about her is that I could talk about my husband to her and how I felt for him and she really truly understood. He told me she loved me more than she did him. LOL. It's not true, ofcourse, but it's just so hard because I just haven't dealt with it or am just beginning to. I know things will get better and you guys have made me feel 100% better just having my feelings validated.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
Kimberly.

((((((((Wendy))))))))))

I agree, it is a hard month anyway because of the season change. I think we can make it through if we do stick together. I know you're also having a hard time right now.

I appreciate you saying it's okay to be sad. OH that feels great. I do so wish I could be sad without everyone questioning me. It's like they're watching and waiting for me to "break". My husband is the worst, he loves me, I know, but he just insists on cheering me up and sometimes I just want to feel it. KWIM?

Oh, as I said to Carrie I feel like a lost child. Have for quite some time. It gets better but then the triggers hit and I'm right back down. My husband is great, he just holds me on his lap and coddles me like the child that I am. He is an excellent source of support.

OH MY! MORE SUPER SPECIAL SQUISHIES!!!! those always make me feel better.

Thanks friend.
Wishing you many blessings
Kimberly.

((((((((Kimberly))))))))))

I have a sister named Kimberly, btw. Yeah, I know what you mean about people trying to cheer you up, when that just isn't the way you need to feel at the moment. Can you tell them that you just need to be sad right now? It can be hard for people to understand, but it really is perfectly ok. Sad feels right sometimes, especially when you have something you need to feel sad about. And sometimes just being held is the best it gets too!

I hope you know how special you are. Just in case, I'm telling you now.

Wendy

Kimberly is also my sister's name! (ner-ner ner-ner ner-ner ner-ner... that was the twilight zone's theme music lol) I think I told you that was my sister's name before though.

Anyway, my dearest darling friend, I am just popping in to give you some more...

**SUPER SPECIAL SQUISHIES**

And also, I wanted to say that I don't think that refusing to allow oneself to grieve is true "strength." I think the true strong ones are the ones who face up to their pain, and work through it one agonizing step at a time- with frequent breaks for resting. That is true strength. Being emotionally honest is NOT a weakness in my book. Nope! Not anymore! (Although sometimes I do revert back to old patterns and start thinking differently... that's when it's good to have a great T).

Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing!!

**more super special monstrously huge squishies**

Angela

((((((((((Wendy)))))))))))))

Your sister has a nice name

I think I can tell them that I'm sad, and I think they know it, but are scared because alot of people depend on me. I think it's selfish on their parts. My husband's deal is I have been sad most of my life and he just hates it that I go through all this. And believe me, he's going through it too because he's having some issues right now. I know it's bothering him. I'd love for us to be able to do therapy and work out our issues together. He is my best friend and I tell him everything. I guess I'm just scared of becoming a burden to him. He does so much for me, and I try to do all I can for him. And being held like a child sometimes is the best thing. It helps me alot to know that someone loves me even if I'm not what others perceive as "perfect". He seems to think I'm pretty darn good.

I needed to hear that I am special. I think everyone needs that from time to time. It has touched me, extremely deep down, especially when it's coming from such a beautiful, caring, and giving person such as yourself. Thanks so much

(wish you could see the happy tears!)

Many blessings to you !
Kimberly.

((((((((Angela)))))))))

I heard the theme music and that was my first thought when I read about Wendy's sister being named Kimberly. LMAO. Weird huh.....

As you know all too well, you wonderful soul you, the super special squishies get me everytime! And Wendy already made me cry! LOL....

((((((((SUPER SPECIAL SQUISHIES)))))))))))) right back.

I believe you are right. I am the same way though, when it comes to other people I think they're so brave for facing their feelings and their truths and then feel like a weak little whinebag when I do it. How messed up is that? I guess I could say that it's my mother's fault since I was never good enough, so therefore subhuman so then it is not okay for me to have normal human emotions ? Nah, too complicated. I think it's just I'm wayyyy too hard on myself. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO BE! lol...you're so wonderful and sweet and caring, you have no reason to ever think you're weak.

I'm doing better today, but feel like a dope because I didn't put on the bracelets today, and felt the itch and then noticed that I did draw blood in a few little spots and disturbingly enough it made me smile I really am doing better though. The urges are not as strong.

***more super special huge tight squishies back***

I hope you are feeling better dear girl.

Take Care,
Kimberly.