[purplebutterfly]

last night ...bad bad night

[Sannah]

I am sorry Purple. How are you doing today?

[purplebutterfly]

Im here thats about all, I am a piece of %#@&#! a %#@&#! piece of %#@&#!, i hate myself im so depressed and i want to say more but im afraid to - no one will understand

[Sannah]

Purple have you ever worked on your self-worth with your therapist?

So you don't have a history of others understanding what you are saying or you just haven't tried explaining so no one understands?

[purplebutterfly]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( purplebutterfly )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You can say whatever you need to say. Don't worry about whether people "understand".

We all understand when someone's heart hurts.

Be gentle with yourself.

[purplebutterfly]

i just have these feelings and i can not say them- i am deeply depressed all i want to do is sleep but when i try to sleep i can not sleep im not sleeping for more than an hour or two a night im angry im SIing at the least twice a day im seeing a therapist im off all my meds cuz i can not seem to have the want to take them anxiety attacks getting more frequently i cry all the time no self esteem ( i got a 3 on a self esteem quiz) thats how bad it is- no one really knows how bad things are right now i just keep saying im okay- no worries- deep down inside im hiding the fact that im not well at all- my stomach hurts all the time whether i eat or not- ive lost 10lbs in under a week, i miss my baby, i yell at my kid all the time i havent smiled in months or even laughed no one wants me to be here or there or anywhere - i want to stop therapy and just climb into a hole somewhere and just wither away. no one will notice anyway- i told my therapist details of my abuse/rape the other day and im mad that i told him im hurting so bad i feel like im not in my body at times i just feel like im an empty shell that gets kicked around from one place to another- i really do not need to hear how its my fault because i know its all my fault for everything- and ppl think i can just stop the cutting i cant i just cant its all i have right now - i need help i know this, and im going to therapy but all he tells me is that i need to find other ways to deal with things than cutting - hes worried i guess but ive been cutting for 20+ years - im not proud of it, i am ashamed of it- how do you think i feel when my kid wants to know why mommy has scars on her legs and wrists- it hurts deeply- but for some reason i still do it- maybe i dont love me- in fact thats it i do not love myself i hate myself for everything for my life for it all- im just tired of hearing everyones %#@&#! about it... i cant even type without the tears im just really depressed and im so tired and i just need a friend right now one that doesnt judge me - im not worth a friendship though -not sure anymore about anything my life is black or white its really really good or really really bad and for the past two years its really really bad no good at all- for venting

[Typo]

((((((((((((Purple)))))))))))))))

It's okay, I care and I'm your friend okay?? You are deserving of friendship and love and happiness. I am here for you and so is everyone here on pc. Sending lots and lots of hugs to you. I'm right here with you holding your hand and helping you out of the darkness.

[Sannah]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
purplebutterfly said:
i yell at my kid all the time

i told my therapist details of my abuse/rape the other day and im mad that i told him

i really do not need to hear how its my fault because i know its all my fault for everything-

maybe i dont love me- in fact thats it i do not love myself i hate myself for everything for my life for it all-

im just tired of hearing everyones %#@&#! about it...

i just need a friend right now one that doesnt judge me -

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Who is telling you that it is all your fault?

Have you done any inner child work?

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( purple ))))))))))))))))

[purplebutterfly]

this was really hard for me to post-

Please don't apologize. It IS hard to post that kind of stuff. REALLY hard. But we will all still accept and love you, you will survive it, and it will be easier to talk about it next time.

The only way out is through. We have to talk about this stuff or we'll never ever be free from it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( purplebutterfly ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are very brave!