[KanyaxRose]

Ugh, ugh, ugh.
I don't even know if this belongs here or in Eating Disorders.....if it belongs there, could someone much more talented than me move it please? Thanks.

First off. I haven't- hadn't- cut in probably six months. Which isn't a record for me, but it's the second-longest I've gone, so I was really happy with myself.
Then, yesterday, I binged. I don't know how it happened, I had my menu for the day all planned out- 312 calories, all healthy- and then all of a sudden I was making snickerdoodles and having junk food. A LOT of junk food.
And I didn't even realize what was happening until it was already almost over.
For some reason purging has stopped working for me, so I did the only thing left open to me.
I cut.
I cut a lot.
I cut REALLY REALLY DEEP.
And because the only thing I had to cover it up was duct tape [I made a wristband when I was finished] it all had to be in like....an inch and a half of space.

And I will freely admit. I felt a million times better......and on some level I still do. I still feel like I screwed up, and now I've atoned for it. But on another level, all I can think is "How could I give in to cutting? How could I do that when I'd been doing so well? Failure, failure, failure, failure....." so on that level I feel worse than I did before.

Ugh.

[Sannah]

I am sorry that you are struggling Rose. Are you in therapy?

[KanyaxRose]

No, my old T was really rude, not to mention that she and my mother are very close and so she didn't want to diagnose me with anything because she didn't want to upset my mother.

[Sannah]

I wouldn't even count this as therapy then. Are you considering therapy now?

[Christina86]

(((((((((((KanyaxRose)))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. You do need someone to talk to though. Tell your mother that you want to see a different therapist, or talk to a school counsellor instead. Either way, get the help you need right now. You don't need a label, but you do need outside help if your family isn't going to be extraordinarily helpful with this.

Also, even though you haven't posted in ED - 312 calories is *not* enough to live on, even though your mind might tell you otherwise.

You haven't failed. You had a momentary setback. Now get back up and try again to resist. Learning helpful coping mechanisms instead of SIng or restricting food is hard, but it can be done. Just takes time, and some sort of professional help.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KanyaxRose)))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are struggling so much. You are no failure though; please try and remember that when your mind goes to telling you differently.

Sometimes things get too hard to cope with and we revert back to old skills. I hope you can find some help that you can work together to find some healthier coping skills.

Please try and stay safe. And please try to give your body the fuel it needs to function well.

BB