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#1
Oct 13, 2008, 04:33 PM
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we didnt get to talk much over the last year. last year i was needy and pushy and demanded attention. she never got to see me now. being healthy, trying to be better. not so needy or so i thought. but she turned her back on that. and now shes dead. she never gave me the chance to show her i could be a better person. maybe she didnt deserve to have me in her life. i dont know. i know she was sick and she needed to take care of herself and her son but she made me feel so loved and wanted at first. then i got outted for whatever, and now shes gone. never will she see what i have become. and now my guilt is taking over. wanting me to just cut. get it over with, slice the crap out of me. because i wonder if i am worth no hurt......doubtful.....i try so hard. i really do. and i just cant shake this feeling of worthlessness tonite.
thanks for listening to me rant. you are all wonderful here. colleen |
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#2
Oct 13, 2008, 04:34 PM
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Before you cut, please read my comment in your other post. Hopefully it will help you get rid of the guilt.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut 
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#3
Oct 13, 2008, 05:56 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((( colleen ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Please don't hurt yourself. You don't deserve to be hurt. We do the best we can. You did the best you could with your aunt. I know it must feel sad that she will miss out on watching you grow and heal....I have that feeling about my dad who died 4 years ago....but grow and heal, you will, and the many people who are still in your life, who love you, will be there for that process. Be gentle with you. It's easy to second-guess ourselves when someone dies. Remember you are a good person, you are working hard, and you deserve care and not pain. Sending many 
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#4
Oct 13, 2008, 06:03 PM
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Thank you so much. i guess thats all i ever wanted her to see in me.
her loss i guess. still leaves me feeling lost but working on it. thank you so much for posting Colleen |
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#5
Oct 13, 2008, 08:02 PM
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Colleen, we all here see who you are. and that is what matters. I too wish things could have been better between you (only for you because that is what you want), but really, it is who you are now and the choices you make today that are important. You are strong and can get through this with time. Rely on us. No looking back now. Only forward.
((((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))))))))
__________________
Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image.   alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#6
Oct 13, 2008, 09:46 PM
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i am so sorry you are hurting... (((((((colleen))))))) i see the wonderful caring person you are... it makes me feel sad for her that she didn't ALLOW herself that opportunity... please stay safe colleen... lyn
__________________
lyn one could do worse then be a swinger of birches. ~robert frost~
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#7
Oct 14, 2008, 12:19 AM
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((((((((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry about your aunt. I'm sorry things turned out like they did too. Don't hurt yourself, you're hurting enough as is - you don't need to punish yourself further for things outside of your control.
__________________
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#8
Oct 14, 2008, 05:36 AM
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((((((((((((((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))))))))))))
BB
__________________
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#9
Oct 14, 2008, 08:33 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#10
Oct 14, 2008, 08:37 AM
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colleen, i know how hard the loss is... lyn
__________________
lyn one could do worse then be a swinger of birches. ~robert frost~
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#11
Oct 14, 2008, 09:49 AM
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@ lyn, thanks again. and congrats on week 13
@bb, thank you so much for always backing me up @ earthmama, as always you are awesome! @sannah, my aunt was sick for years. and i was needy and basically sucked up every good hour of her day. one day she came down on me about it, to the point of telling me to not contact her. lately weve been civil but i feel like she never got a chance to see me. the GOOD me, the lessneedy me. just saddens me to the core. and i feel guilty for taking up so much of her time. Thanks, Colleen |
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#12
Oct 14, 2008, 01:15 PM
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Colleen, your aunt set a boundary. She took care of her needs. You did not burden her. Sounds like you really respected her opinion and looked up to her?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#13
Oct 14, 2008, 01:38 PM
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yes i did look up to her. I respected her.....
I just feel like i was being judged on a consistent level. and i loved her. me |
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#14
Oct 14, 2008, 01:57 PM
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((((((((Colleen))))))))) Sorry I did not see this any earlier, i am here if you need to talk or vent. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now 
__________________
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http://purplebutterfly.psychcentral.net/ |
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#15
Oct 14, 2008, 02:33 PM
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((((((((((((Colleen))))))))))))
I am SO sorry for your loss. Really and truly... Hang in there hun... 
__________________
The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates |
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#16
Oct 15, 2008, 11:28 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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