[BamaSurvivor]

I've been a self-mutilater since I was 12. I've cut, burned, scratched, everything I possibly could to inflict some sort of physical pain that keeps me from my emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I go through 'dry' spells, where I don't cut for a couple of months, but when I do fall to the blade again, I cut REALLY bad... I sliced my arm and ankle up almost three weeks ago and they are all just now scabbing over. My therapist and family says cutting isn't a good coping mechanism, but why? I'm not doing it to kill myself. I'm not doing it to hurt anyone else, either. I'm doing it to release the hate and sadness I hold inside. It helps me! All of my coping mechanisms have been taken from me... My alcohol is gone, my drugs are gone, all I have left is my cutting! Why can't I be normal for once? *sigh*

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

[Edited for triggering material - do not view or download attachment if you are triggered by seeing self-injury.]

[SpazKatt]

well it's an unhealthy coping mechanisim and you need a new one to replace it for you to be able to stop. Please be safe! *hugs*

[Rapunzel]

I know it helps to cope when those emotions build up and get to be too much to deal with. I feel safer when I'm using SI regularly and frequently too, because if I try stopping, everything really builds up, and then when I get to the point that I don't care about resisting anymore, it will be worse. But it isn't an effective way to deal with things. There is something behind wanting to hurt yourself, and as long as you avoid dealing with that, it doesn't really get better. SI is not really different from other coping mechanisms like drugs or alcohol, etc., since they are all ways to avoid facing the real problem. Healthier ways to cope would be things like talking it out or otherwise confronting the problem directly. I know that's hard though.

I feel that it really takes some professional help to overcome this. And you don't have to go cold turkey. A good therapist will understand that you can't be expected to give up your coping mechanism before you have something to replace it. Maybe you could ask your therapist for help with learning other ways to cope?

I know it helps, and I know it's not suicidal behavior, and I know you don't do it to hurt other people. Still, it hurts other people. If they didn't care about you, it wouldn't bother them, but they do.

You're welcome to come here and vent. That's one of those healthier ways to cope. I hope that you feel welcome here and know that you can come and get support as much as you need to.

Rapunzel

[BamaSurvivor]

I probably know what you mean by SI, but I've never heard it in that term... What does SI mean?

I've switched therapists 4 different times since my first therapy session when I was 12, and the one I have now is really good. She's really nice and tries helping me, but it's like nothing else can enter my mind when I'm in that cutting mode... It's like all rational thoughts leave for that moment, you know? She's tried helping me find other coping methods, but they all only worked for a very short time. She even suggested I wear a rubberband at all times and when I get that craving, smack the band against my wrist and I'll be feeling the pain, yet not hurting myself... But that didn't work for very long at all.

[Rapunzel]

SI stands for self injury.

There are lots of distractions or alternatives, like the rubber band or holding ice against your skin until it hurts, or drawing on yourself with a marker. Those things work sometimes, but they really don't for me either. What I meant by other ways to cope was more like ways of directly and effectively dealing with your emotions and what is upsetting you. Still, I know it isn't easy, and I'm really not one to talk, since I'm not quite ready to give up SI myself yet.

[BamaSurvivor]

I know what it is bothering me... The abuse I took from my cousin for so many years. I still live at home right now because my check hasn't started, so I don't have the money to move out and my bedroom is the same room my cousin raped me in almost everynight for many years. I still have flashbacks and nightmares and being in this room makes me sick and depressed constantly because the memories are still here. :sad: I've talked to my parents about this and they won't let me move out into the front room of the house because it'll run up the power bill. That has me depressed a lot too because it seems they are choosing a freaking power bill over my well-being.

[cms39]

Bama, I'm so sorry about what you went through. And I believe your parents are extremely insensitive. I hope you find a safer-feeling place soon.

[BamaSurvivor]

Thank you cms ((((huggz))))

I just don't understand it. My mom was sexually abused by her father when she was growing up, and even my dad has been sexually abused a few times when he was younger. They should know me staying in a place (especially the same room) where I was abused almost nightly for many years won't help anything. They know how it is for me. I can't even sleep in the dark in my room. If I stay at friends, I can sleep in the dark just fine, but when I'm in this bedroom, I have to have some sort of light on because this room scares me. HE scares me. *sigh* I've had so many triggered cutting sessions because of this.