Im trying so hard not to have a relapse *si* *su*

As what the subject says I'm trying not to have a relapse but it seems that without cutting myself I will be miserable. I miss the habit so much that I want to do it again, but I'm trying so hard not to give in the cravings and to start feeding the bad dog.

I know that self cutting is socially unacceptable but deep inside I feel that it's the only way for me to see some kind of a relief.

Yesterday a friend of mine had surgery and I was actually jealous of her..
because I knew she was going under the knife. the concept of surgery is very appealing to me.

I guess I should stop now before I get myself into trouble.

I have to learn to keep things to myself, even know I want to share them with others. It's difficult expressing yourself without having others looking at you funny and thinking that you're crazy.

I'm so very tired, sooo very tired.

you will be more miserable after cutting wont you?

Yes, there are times when it may not be the best idea to share with other people. For example talking about it when you are in line the grocery store, or to the person who delivers mail but you can certainly feel safe sharing things here.

I'm sorry that you are so very tired. It sounds like you might be struggling and that a part of you is dying, the part that wants to engage in SI behaviors. I know this may be hard and it is but allowing yourself to grow internally will help in the bigger picture. Maybe not today but in time you will notice feeling better about yourself.

Here is what I know for myself when I give in to the cravings, that I have a bigger problem b/c I tried to commit to myself that I would not do it and then feel worse when I do. It takes away the pain momentarily but in the long run makes me feel more ashamed than if I had not.

I know that feeling the feelings whatever they are is hard but something that I have been trying for a few weeks is - can I not cut for the next 15 minutes? Can I feel the feelings or write them down and then talk about them with someone? As you probably already know the urge to cut is b/c there is something else going on.

Keep posting, talking and taking care of yourself. You don't have to do this alone, there is support here and I hope in your area.

Let us know how you are doing; I appreciate you sharing and letting me know that there is someone who understands. For so long I lived in silence not knowing that other people had SI issues, I know it may suck but by posting you have shared with me and I really appreciate that.

are you seeing a T? we learn these things as a way to surviv - but they ar not the best ways to survive and easily become a habit that once formed is hard to break - sometimes its easier to try to release the pain than to deal with it - a good T can help you with that - please be safe P7