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#1
Feb 05, 2009, 02:29 PM
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I am no stranger to SI. But I haven't done it, more than once or twice, in over 10 years. I was bad enough at one point to be hospitalized on a special unit for SI. But, I beat it and have done well, so far.
I think I might be doing it again, though. I'm not sure. So, that's my question to you all. Is what I am doing SI or just self-destruction? What I am doing is this: Making myself sick (physically, mainly) through drug withdrawal. I tapered, but way too fast, off my psych meds. I have been sick as a dog. As I knew I would be. And this isn’t the first time I’ve done it. Part of it is just about self-sabotaging my life. Part of it is about other stuff. But, my T said that by purposely making myself sick by going too fast with the taper, was just like cutting, it was just using chemicals instead of _____. Is he right? Am I SIing again? |
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#2
Feb 05, 2009, 02:47 PM
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Are you punishing yourself?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#3
Feb 05, 2009, 06:53 PM
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IM sorry you're going through this - are you supposed to be coming off your psyche meds? can you go back to tapering them off if you are supposed to?
Can you talk to the part of you that is "Self sabotaging" and see why this is happening - why that part of you thinks you should suffer pain ? I think it is SI JMO - but thats not the important part the important part is why are you doing it? and can you stop and take a more gentle approach - you dont deserve to hurt - you deserve to be healed - can you ring your T and talk about it? P7 
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#4
Feb 06, 2009, 01:22 AM
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Are you asking if I am doing this against medical advice? Yes, I am doing this against medical advice.
My pdoc doesn’t even know I’ve stopped. I mean, he knows I’ve been thinking about it and advised against it, but he doesn’t know that I’ve done it. I skipped my last appointment, but did reschedule for a month from now. I have been trying to figure out why I self sabotage for 20 years and I still don’t know. No, I cannot stop and take a more gentle approach. I wish I could. Actually, I wish I could just take my meds, full on. I miss them. I understand why you would say I don’t deserve to be hurt. But, you don’t know me. No one does. I do deserve to be hurt. |
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#5
Feb 06, 2009, 03:05 AM
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(((((((((((lbien))))))))))
no one deserved to be hurt ..no one...no one include you... you deserved to be happy and loved...
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As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright. |
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#6
Feb 06, 2009, 06:32 AM
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No-one deserves to be hurt - no-one - and have read some of your threads where you have been supportive of others - you dont sound like somone who deserves to be hurt - you sound like somone in pain who is trying the best way they know how to deal with it
I self sabotage too - I still dont know all the reasons but I have worked out a few - what I do is when I recognise what I am doing I try to stop myself and do somthing else - something less harmful - Im sorry I dont have any words that can take away your pain - but know that you are in my thoughts and I am hoping you stay safe - maybe giving your pdoc a call would help?
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#7
Feb 06, 2009, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#8
Feb 08, 2009, 07:23 AM
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Quote:
Why? Why do I deserve to be hurt? I could go on and on... I'll sum it up: I am a waste of space. No life. No relationships. Don't contribute. Just suck off the system, wasting resources meant for better people than me... That is why. |
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#9
Feb 08, 2009, 09:05 AM
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I can tell you right now, you are not a waste of space. If you feel you need help, then there is no reason in they world you should not get it. And you deserve all of the help that you get. You should quit telling yourself the other people deserve it more then you. Try to start talking more positive talk to yourself. Think of random things good about yourself. It is very hard at times. But sometimes you've just got to do it. And you can make yourself smile.
You are a caring person, and i'm sure many people love you. You do not deserve to be hurt, and I wish you did not think that way. Quote:
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#10
Feb 08, 2009, 10:07 PM
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well you contribute here, you have relationships (friends) here -so you cant be a waste of space - or if you are then I must be too cos that could be me - if you eat - you contribute by buying things and keeping the economy going - YOU DO MATTER - and you ARE WORTHWHILE - and YOU DESERVE HELP - I see in you a kind and caring person - the world needs more kind and caring people not less - you do matter P7
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#11
Feb 09, 2009, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#12
Feb 11, 2009, 11:57 AM
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I know how hard it is to feel that you are a worthwhile person. It goes against everything you believe to be true. But feeling worthless and deserving punishing and actually being a worthless person are not the same thing, no matter how much you may feel that they are.
One thing that I try when I'm being especially mean to myself is to imagine that I'm talking to a friend who is feeling the same things as me. I would never dream of being as nasty to a friend as I am to myself. It is hard but, when things are as bad as they are, surely anything is worth a try, even if you dont think you deserve it?? Take care of you *Willow* |
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#13
Feb 13, 2009, 12:44 AM
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((((((((((Lbien)))))))))))
hug for you
__________________
 notz |
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#14
Feb 13, 2009, 11:29 AM
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Quote:
In answer to your first question about if tapering meds too fast is a way of "SIing" - you know the truth for yourself. My truth when I did it and played around with medication was "yes", it was another form of causing myself pain under the exuse that I wanted to clean out my system. I was fooling myself into thinking that this was the right way and caused my body a lot of trauma in the process. I also did not tell anyone, and to punish myself more stopped seeing the psych that had prescribed them. As far as being a horrible person, I can hear that is the way you feel about yourself. I live with that daily and regardless of what anyone says it does not change what I think. I'd been in therapy and was ready to give up on it when something started to change b/c it got too painful living this way. In the process I was able to hear what my therapist was saying about working with that initial trauma and trying to trust her. It's hard and I have had to go to the root of the problem, the time when I started to feel like I was a horrible person, when that shame and self hatred started to become real. It is so terrifying and I want to run as far away as possible but the problem is that I am taking myself along. I can hear from your posts that you are struggling and have been for a long time. I hope that you decide to find a person/or have a therapist to work with that can help you deal with the inner thoughts of feeling like a horrible person. I think that is where the changes start to come in and in time wanting to SI eases it's grip on you. No one can tell you that you are not a horrible person when it's that deep, but I think it's possible to deal with the feelings and start to accept yourself. Please let me know how you are doing, I do have a sense of those thoughts. You are not alone and do have support. |
 Sannah
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#15
Feb 14, 2009, 02:55 PM
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Quote:
That's the distorted thoughts of depression talking. It isn't true.
__________________
--SIMCHA |
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