[paintingravens]

It's been, I think, a couple of months since I last cut myself, and I've been refraining from it recently, partly because I hate having fresh cuts/scars on my thighs during the summer, partly because I have a physical coming up in a couple of weeks and I don't want the doc to see any fresh cuts/scars, and partly because I really want to stop wanting it. I used to be able to wear short shorts in the summer and not be so paranoid about whether or not others can see any scars on my legs and see what I've done to myself, but not anymore. I want to be able to just be content with life without wanting to harm myself in order to be "happy" and stay in control. Though the darker side of me feels that regaining control over myself through cutting is extremely appealing and comforting and longs for it often, the better, and steadily growing stronger, side of me knows that when I can control my urges and stay in control of myself, while at the same time let go of control, I am much happier, and I'm able to grow stronger. Sometimes, I want it so badly, and will just stare at my razor longingly, trying to give myself a reason, any reason, to do it, half of me hoping that I will just pick up that razor and cut, the other half trying desperately to hold on to my senses, keep my control over my need for control. It used to be that I did it to remain in control, while now it's the opposite; I must refrain from doing it in order to remain in control. I'm trying to stay away from the darker, tantalizing side of me, and though it continues to taunt and beg, I've still managed to stay in the light, and I feel stronger. I want to just throw away the razor, but I'm worried I might need it again later, but I don't want to need it again later... *sigh* I'm just rambling, I guess. I just wish that I didn't want this so much. I want to stop wanting this, but I don't know how I can make this go away. I worry that it might not ever go away....

[me05]

You can say whatever you want. Sometimes it helps me feel better. I know how you feel. The best thing I can tell you to do is to keep busy. I know that this might sound dumb.. but have you ever tried doing a puzzle? It is very time consuming and keeps your mind busy. Read, exercise, watch a movie, be with a friend... anything you can think of to stay busy. One of the hardest things for me is to not think about cutting because once I do, I am done. I am sorry you are feeling the way that you do. I wish you the best.

me

[turquoisesea]

I agree with m05 , keep busy, keep distracted.

And now for a hard ... thing... to do...

throw away the razor.
if you REALLY need one you can buy one later (and try not to!), but please, try to be strong and throw this one out.

It is sitting there, having it there is part of what controls you.

Sorry to be so blunt, I really do care though, and hope you can continue to get better

[notz]

(((((((((((paintingravens))))))))))

Don't hurt yourself. Paint instead.

notz

[Safron]

Sounds to me like you are managing your urges quite well. Good for you. Please keep doing whatever it is you do that stops you from ….

Stay strong and stay above the battles.

If you feel you must, make sure everything used is clean.

[phoenix7]

its hard when you feel that si will help - it may when you do it but that only last for a short while - and it makes it so much harder to stop next time - you are doing really well haning on - I hope things have calmed down for you - take care P7

[Sannah]

PR, what you really want to control are your feelings? A stack of unresolved feelings are very difficult to manage. Working through these feelings will resolve them so that then there will be nothing left that you need to control so much..........

[Rain Keeper]

Not much help here, but wanted to let ou know I read what you are going through and understand the difficulty you are going through.

*Thinking of You*
Rain

[paintingravens]

I haven't really been depressed or anything for these past couple of months. Quite the opposite, in fact, I've been loving life. I don't feel like I have any valid reason this time to do it, except for the sake of doing it simply because I want it. I don't want to want it.
And I know I should, but I don't want to throw away that razor either. Having it there is a comfort. If I ever fall back into that depression again, I guess I'll have something to keep me company.
But I think deep down, I really want to be able to deal with these negative emotions in a way that doesn't involve...hurting myself. I don't think I'm ready to throw it away just yet...

[phoenix7]

sometimes I think it becomes a habit.... if you are happy try to focus on that - ask yourself why you still feel you need to do it - maybe you will find an answer - mine was that I knew (not correct) that the bad feelings would alsway come back - so I was afraid -and instead of waiting for them to come back - i SI so that I felt ashamed and angry at myself bringing the bad feelings back - a self fullfilling prophecy

I hope you can work out a way to stop - take care P7