[obsids]

Okay... I admit, that header sounds like a nonsequetor. But I think that is where I was this past weekend. I went through boxes of old letters, papers, and memorabilia from my past... threw most of it away or fed it to the paper shredder. But then I had major nightmares all night, and Sunday in church I was triggering like crazy. That in itself is a long story. And then I ended up confronting this guy that has been showing up at church. He is a parasite, a scam artist who has discovered that church-goers are particularly susceptable to pleas for money and housing and pity. But I know his game because he sexually assaulted my friend, lied to her, stole from her, broke into her house after she kicked him out. He has been kicked out of towns and churches. He flat out denied my accusations with a blatently rehearsed line of 'I don't know what you're talking about, but I don't appreciate what you are saying.'

But an official from the church came and asked me what was wrong. Turns out that other people had complained about this guy asking for money... the 'if you are such a good Christian, you would help me out' thing. So hopefully that jerk won't show up again.

Anyway, when I got home, I was beyond calming down. So I put on work clothes and got out my pruning shears and attacked the blackberries and ivy by the side of the house. I spent nearly 5 hours ripping out overgrown vines and cutting down a tree. The end result was numerous cuts and bruises, not unlike what I used to do with a blade or my fists against the wall. But this time I really accomplished something... got a ton of yard clearing done. And long after the endorphine high wore off, I felt satisfied about putting all that rage and anger into getting a big headstart on spring yard cleanup.

[ktp]

It doesn't sound so bad does it?

I think I know what you mean. I have an addiction that actually feeds into the SI urges -- tattooing. I generally get one once a year (total of 3 so far) and after I get one I don't feel the urges, and I feel satisfied long after the euphoria wears off.

Maybe it's not healthy, but it does make sense to me

Take care,
Kimberly

P.S. Great job on starting the lawn care early. I need to get off my tuckus and start some upgrades and weeding myself.

[ickydog2006]

It's good that at least it is getting something done that really should be done. If your going to SI at least you can get something useful done at the same time.

funny thing you mention "Productive SI"... i actually called a suicide hotline over the weekend, i admitted to him that i self injured and how it made me feel better.....and the counselor suggested that i should continue to use cutting as a coping strategy...(at least until i could find a better strategy)
so, ya... productive si!

[ickydog2006]

Cottoncandylocks

That is exactly what my T told me.

[Rapunzel]

I know what you mean. Two years ago it was an alternative to suicide for me also. It got me locked up, but it also was was the jump-start, or shock maybe, that I needed to make some changes in my life and get onto a better path.

Like other coping mechanisms, there is generally a healthy reason why we start doing this. It's an attempt at self-preservation. But that doesn't mean that we couldn't find more effective ways to cope. When we keep using destructive coping methods then it becomes more detrimental to us than helpful.

[Rapunzel]

p.s. I've turned to gardening when I had a need to be destructive too. Good idea, putting that energy to use somewhere productive. Stacking hay is another one for me. (but I should wear my gloves)