[just_me_here]

So... I made my first post here a couple of days ago where I mentioned that I hadn't cut in more than 2 years, but the next day that changed. I don't know what happened, which is all the more frustrating because I know it won't start to get better until I start to understand what it's about.

I always feel like an outsider in my life. If I'm not cutting, I miss it and wonder who this pretender is who's just kept up a good streak in hiding her true self. Now that I am cutting again, I feel like I'm doing something bad and hurting people.

I'm so ashamed that I've fallen again.

[phoenix7]

some times after i have said ive done somthing good or had a good day - then the urges come back stronger than ever - part of me is scared of getting better and feeling good - because that part says it wont last - so why not just carry on with what i know works -

why not? because its not a good way to cope - it may have helped us survive before but we know better now - you know better now - you fell down - that's ok - it happened - dont beat yourself up about it - you are just... whats the word... oh yes - HUMAN

the things do now is STOP - remember that you managed two years - so you have done this - you can get through this an get past this moment in time - second by second if necessary - YOU CAN DO IT - I think my line at the bottom says it best

[beutifulxdreamr]

I remember when I hurt myself after a year mark, I was devastated, but I think each time it gets a little easier because you know you've done it before. It's when you get into the unknown territory that things start to trigger you more again and you worry about your ability to keep up.

It's completely understandable - I was very close to breaking my streak just the other day. The only reason I was able to get through it was because I reached out to other people, but sometimes if we don't or perceive that we don't have resources, well... we just can't get through it all.

Don't be afraid to reach out. You don't have to do this alone. I know it might sound silly, but I have even contemplated calling suicide hotlines when I feel like hurting myself, because sometimes, even though I don't necessarily want to commit suicide, I feel like me wanting to hurt myself is a threat to my life. I know they would be able to talk you through some things if you are feeling desperate.

Don't be down on yourself. All you can do is your best, sometimes it's not good enough, but you have to keep trying.

Good luck! I'll be thinking good thoughts for you

[Junerain]

You are not an outsider HERE, this is a great community for feeling loved....I hope to see you around here, we will build you up, as they have ME awwwwwww

[just_me_here]

You're right. The truth is that I've been saying, "Look, I'm cutting again. I've failed at this too." It's so hard to break the thoughts of worthlessness even if I do have evidence to the contrary. I'm trying to not to beat myself up further.

[just_me_here]

My therapist just told me something similar: to reach out instead of in. Y'all are very wise here. I wish we could all apply everything we'd say to each other to ourselves.

[just_me_here]

Thanks *hug*

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by just_me_here

My therapist just told me something similar: to reach out instead of in. Y'all are very wise here. I wish we could all apply everything we'd say to each other to ourselves.

if only we could - glad you have such a clever T - hope things are a bit better for you now