I hate this so much.

I HATE myself for ever starting to cut. It was about 6 years ago when I cut for the first time. It's became like a drug to me. I'll do well for a little while but then I'm right back to the same old thing. This really sucks. And I'm sick of wearing long sleeves in the summer time, I know people that see me smothering in a hot jacket in 90 degree weather think I'm weird. But of course, they'll think I'm weird if they saw my arms also. So pretty much, I'm screwed either way. Sorry this is so long but I needed somewhere to vent my frustration.

Heartachehannah are you seeing a therapist? it sounds like you want to stop and a psychologist or counciller could help you -

beating yourself up about when you started to hurt yourself isnt going to help, but you know that - it just adds to the spiral - so try to be a bit more forgiving - would you talk to a friend the way you are talking to yourself? I know I wish I had never hurt myself - and I often struggle with the urge to do it again - but there are better ways to express how we are feeling or not feeling - some of them are on the stickies at the top of the page - some are in threads with the Heart as a notation next to them -there are better less harmful ways to feel better - I hope you find one or some that work for you

My T helped me to find ways to distract myself instead of hurting myself - sometimes I write everything down thats in my head no matter how it sounds - and then dispute it later - I will exercise, draw, hold ice in my hands, draw lines on my arms rather than hurt myself - its hard... but so far I have got through - I hope you can find a better way to cope and that things calm down for you soon P7

Sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain but good for you in realizing how much pain you are in. As was asked, are you in therapy? If not it might help and if so let I hope you are letting your t know how you are feeling.

The thing about being embarassed about the arms is that it will might only last until the next strong urge comes around. I have gone through the same feelings about not wanting anyone to see my arms but it has not prevented me cutting b/c the urges were too strong and it seemed like the right solution to get my out of my pain.

What my therapist has helped me with is staying with the feelings when they come up and working through them by many of the ways P7 described. This is not easy, especially when you have been doing it for so long but you can get through this and learn other ways of coping.

I'm glad you hate it, just don't hate yourself for doing the best you could to deal with what was going on. Also, please don't expect too much of yourself. I stopped for a while and found myself feeling really horrible. I picked up a blade a scratched a few times. I was beating myself up for it when my therapist explained that, beating myself up was, was got me started and I needed to be kinder and forgiving of myself.

I hope that you can find the same forgiveness for doing the best you can and then pushing yourself further to find other ways.

Self harming is a way of coping (albeit not the best way, as you know.)

Try to keep track of the triggers that "cause" you to do this, and then work on those things. Self harming is a symptom of something bigger, such as self hate, or feeling totally out of control of everything else in your life.

Do share what you figure out with a counselor (but be careful about sharing the cutting behavior, they have certain rules... ) Work on taking care of yourself, and if you must self harm, do so as safely as you can.

Thanks everybody for replying back. I really need the support right now. And my therapist that I was seeing has left the mental health center that I was seeing her at, so to answer ya'lls question- no I'm currently not in therapy right now.

drat! thats no good - T's are suposed to stay where we need them !grrr - if its not in the rules it should be!!!

I know I found it hard when I couldnt see my first real T anymore is there another T you could see ?

hope you are doing ok - take care P7

I agree with P7, therapists are not supposed to leave I'm sure you have already thought about this but is there anyone else at the center that you think you talk to?
When I was in grad school I started working with a therapist and after about 5 sessions we realized our schedules were not compatible. I was in rough shape met with the director to find out who else had some knowledge in what I was dealing with. He ended up working with me (a professor called and asked him to make time) but had he not, I know he would have suggested someone else. Do you think that it would be possible to do this? Can you call your other therapist and ask who she would recommend or just ask some people there.
I hope that you are doing better, I know it's rough and I can't imagine going through it without a therapist.

I really messed up last night and cut about 5 times. I feel so awful about it. I am definitely going to call the mental health center and see if they could recommend anybody to me.

I am glad you are going to call the mental health clinic - let us know how you go ok

I 2nd P7 - it takes a lot of courage to call and ask for help - whether you hate this or not you are doing something about it and that is excellent.
Keep us informed.