[ickydog2006]

Once again I am back. I feel so awful for using this site and people sometimes but I know we are all here to help ourselves and others. It seems like I don't know many people on here anymore. I last posted about a year ago but have been a part of this site since 2004. I always come back when I'm close to losing the battle. It's been three and a half years since I cut and although easier than at first I still struggle with the cravings daily. I feel like I'm losing control again. I feel so lost and hopeless right now. I think the only thing keeping me from cutting is my husband. He doesn't know my struggle is still so bad but I know if I started again I wouldn't be able to hide it from him. I think he'd sort of get freaked if I stopped letting him see me naked. Now all i can think of is how I might hide it. Or just go back to easier to hide coping ways, like bulimia. I'm just so scared that he'll realize something is wrong. We're halfway across the country from all my former friends (he's in the military) and I don't have anyone close enough that I'm comfortable calling at 4am. I'm terrified to call 1 800 Suicide because he might go through our phone records and look up the number since he wouldn't recognize it. When I was in college I would go and sit in my professors offices, sometimes for hours, because I knew I wouldn't hurt myself there. It was a time that I could let my guard down for a bit and regroup before heading back out into the 'real world'. I have nowhere here. Nowhere I can trust myself to just sit and be safe. I just want to shred my arm now and go to sleep. What the hell is wrong with me.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((ickydog)))))))))))))))))

nothing is wrong with you. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

It is really a huge accomplishment to have gone 3 1/2 years without SI - it is evidence that you are a strong, brave person.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Are you in therapy?
Stay safe.......ok? You can do this.

[StayGolden]

You are afraid to use the phone because he might go through the records, but would you be able to make a call from somewhere else? I agree with kt, you are hurting and need an outlet. 3 1/2 years, wow, great job. I think you coming back here is great too. Please don't think you are "using people" here when you need and want help. I wish you could talk to your husband about what you feel and even more I wish he could understand. One more day, you can do it. If you need a voice of assurance and can get to a phone somewhere, do it...

[ickydog2006]

I am seeing a T, however, partly what let me get so far downhill was not making an appoinment for two months. I know... stupid me. I also fear using the phone normally because it has caused panic attacks in the past so I try to avoid it as much as possible. Hence, why I normally set follow up appoinmments in person. However, I was unable to that day so it took me a while before I finally found myself in the building so I could set an appointment. That's when I got the news that she's out of town for 2 WEEKS. Yeah, wanted to cry. But at least I have an appointment set for in 2 weeks. I guess that's progress....maybe..I hope.

[StayGolden]

I want to encourage and let you know that yes it is progress. You recognized it and did something about it. Great job...i don't know you, but i am proud of you for just the little things you have already talked about doing: You saw that you needed help, you didn't give up and made an appointment despite the time, and in your waiting you came here and shared your hurt. AWESOME... and so you you know, just knowing that much has made me smile, thank you. If that is not progress, they need to rewrite the books... stay golden always

[DoggyBonz]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain but I want to kinda echo what has been said. Coming here and talking at anytime helps everyone. It's a community and the more honest we are the more others people don't feel so alone.
I know about bulima and cutting I have been doing both for a really long time. For the most part they are the "shameful" ways of hating ourselves. For a while you can hide the cutting until it gets out of control and the same way with bulimia - you can hide it for the most part.
But here is the thing, you are not hiding, you are talking and sharing with others. You have made an appt., to see the therapist, and done a lot of other things that are helpful.
You can feel good about your choices the past few days or beat yourself up over not getting to the therapist earlier. I think the first might be the most valuable. I know it might be hard, but why not chose to give yourself some credit.
Thanks for sharing with us and let us know how you are doing and how we can support you.