[PhaeDay]

i don't really know why i haven't talked about it much lately... but here's the whole story...

for a few weeks a friend of mine has been kind of...ignoring me... she distanced herself from me and a couple of our other friends, until one friday she entirely didn't come to the mall (we go every friday) so i started asking her about it, and she really beat around the bush, and i finally got it all out of her... (first kinda implying that she was being a drama queen...) so she got into how i talk about evan too much... now this person has been the person i've gone to probably the most about it, i thought she would understand this... but the other this is, she's been having a problem, and sometimes i would just say simply, "thats kind of an evan thing to do" (regarding her boyfriend... or ex...) and i guess she took that as me making everything into evan and me (i do that so she knows she is justified to feel how she feels because in the situation with evan i never felt justified... me mentioning it is implying that there is a severity to what she was going through) so when she said that to me three days ago i lost it... i swore at her a lot... i just completely lost it... it really hit a raw nerve... so then i calmed down a bit, so we decided to get everything out that was irking ourselves about each other... and some of the things she said about me... were things evan said to me back in the day... and when i tried defending myself from what she said, i felt like i was defending myself from evan... i became increasingly desperate in my defense, until i totally and completely lost it again... shaking, crying hysterically, clenching all my muscles and i curled up into a ball in my chair... when i defend myself against evan, there is no way for me to get him to believe me, so i feel like the things i am saying to defend myself are just excuses i am making, and i end up not believing myself at all.... well i mentioned all this in my post in the depression section so i'm just going to go on with it... so i had been crying about it all day for two days, and the next day i had to go to school because i am active in the music department and me and a few of my friends and others in the music department at my school went to set up the music rooms for the new choir teacher... my boyfriend was also there... and he practically totally ignored me... given the things i had gone through lately... i felt like, "why does everyone ignore ME? what did i do this time? did i really change that much? what did i do? what does everyone have against me?".... i had always been the one everyone paid attention to... mainly because everyone was there for me during the evan situation. (for those of you who don't know... im not going to get into it) there were like... 5 instances when he totally ignored me... not like, i said something and he didn't respond... just my prescence... like i wasn't there... so i didn't say anything to him really... so i cried even more all yesterday... because when people ignore me... its because i've done something terribly wrong... evan did it to me so many times... my friend steph then did it... then my boyfriend ignored me... when i needed him most. so last night i finally did it. i cut on my ankles... then my friend sean convinced me to call my boyfriend... and i tried not to, but i just cried my eyes out on the phone with him... he ignored me because he had been depressed lately, and since i was depressed he didn't want me to know he was depressed because he was afraid it would make me more... he tried to tell me i didn't do anything... but i don't believe him... i can't believe anything from anyone anymore. i don't even try to get myself not to cut anymore.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Phae}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am so sorry that you are in such pain that you felt the need to cut. Please come and post here as often as you need to - it will give you a different outlet to express yourself than cutting, and less painful.

My T tells me that to take away the cutting without giving me an alternative would be cruel and wouldn't work. Everyone is here, rooting for you, ready to listen.

It is hard when you feel that no one is there for you and that you are alone. I live with this every day. Come here and talk - the one place that none of us are alone anymore.

Take care of you, please.

Mary Alice

[angrybytch]

hi phaeday...i completely understand how u feel. my best friend has sort of distanced herself since i recently got out of the phyciatric ward, because, as she will admit, she doesn't understand why i am so self destructive. she still communicates with me regularly, e-mail and phone, but she hasn't been around as much as she used to, and i really miss her. but she needs her space to feel whatever she is feeling about the way she saw me behave before i checked myself in and i have to be understand about it. it is hard tho, and i think about cutting again all the time. my husband has also been in the (regular) hospital for 5 days now so i am pretty lonely, but i think god is forcing me to learn how to function without being so dependent on others' presence. without them i am forced to look inside myself and try to find some reason to love me. i still have lots of support without them, but i want them, not all these other people. we can't always have what we want i guess so this is just the way it is right now. i am sure your friend still cares a great deal about you, she probably just maybe doesn't know what to say to u to help u stop hurting, and that in turn may cause her pain. thus it may be easier to deal with it by not dealing with it. do u understand what i am trying to say? i hope things get easier for u and i hope u can find some other way of release than hurting yourself. i am praying for u.......take care of yourself.

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Phae}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry that you hurt so much. Your friends obviously care about you, but how could they know how to help you? Do you even know what you would like them to do? You and they are all probably overwhelmed. It will get better. And we're always here so just let us know when you need us.

-Wendy

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

[cucaracha]

Hi, Phae!

Ditto what PlanningtoDie said about being cruel not giving you other options/coping mechanisms besides cutting. I have tried a variety of methods...the basically only fail proof one that works for me is to go into my car (I love my car) and either listen to music in the car or drive around, carefully, and stay out of harms way until I feel better - which for me takes at least three hours. I remember there being times when none of this worked and I just couldn't think of anything else. Thankfully, it has gotten a little easier some days....I journal about what is bothering me and then since I have dealt with the "feelings" for at least a little while, I allow myself to be distracted whether it be reading, walking, or talking on the phone which I usually love to do.

I can TOTALLY relate to the hurt associated with being ignored. Recently, I have dealt with abandonment issues over the past 7 years by my own identical twin sister. Now, this week, I have just come to the realization that four of my "good" friends only talk to me when their husbands are not around. Kind of like, I am only an afterthought. It hurts that they don't seem to place the same value on our friendship that I do. On the other hand, there might be a lot in their lives that I don't know about which may explain this. Still it is important for me to express to them how I feel instead of swallowing it all up. (I've only been able to do this with one of the four and kind of laughed it off as I did it).

I am trying to appreciate the fact that at least they spend a little time with me...I guess that is better than none at all. Still again, easier said than done.

Please keep visiting...it does me a great deal to be able to come and read...wishing you well!!

Donna