Problem with addiction/obsession

I really don't where to put this, so if this is in the wrong place I'm sorry I'm new here.

I have anxiety problems and I was suicidal. Since my last suicide attempt I am turning the suicide feelings into addictions and obsessions. I am 18 and this is becoming frustrating, I feel I am going crazy. But if I don't fulfil this addictions (now turning into obsessions) I can get very very anxious.

It all started some years ago. I had no friends and I made one. He gave me attention, we talked, we laugh. In was the first time since primary school that I had a friend, so I was happy. The problem is: I got the feeling he was gay, so I had to find out. I was already addicted to gay porn (I'm straight by the way) and then he wanted to see my penis. We showed each other (his was very big), we talked about sex and that stuff during a week. Something inside started ringing. At that time I tough I was falling in love with him, but I now realize I was just obsessed. Since I was already addicted to gay porn, it was easy to obsess about him. Then one day he said it was better if we stopped the gay stuff, my anxiety pressed all the buttons (he was my first and only close friend) and I got really bad. Then I tried to kill myself several times, he run away, I lost all my "friends" I made with him (his friends that had become my "friends"). The only thing that calmed me was the gay porn, but now it was more a "hunt". Since then I spend too many time searching for his penis online. Once I found two videos where two boys made sex, one of them had the same body and voice that him. Everyday it gets worse. I feel it getting out of control.
Now he is at university and has a good friend that is gay. I spend large amounts of time watching their moves online because I think they are in love. It got to the point I am most day thinking about it, I feel betrayed because he never let me touch his penis. In my head he is going to make gay stuff with his new friend.

It got so bad that I have a record of people in a book, with detailed information, dates, tastes, likes, dislikes, what they say, personality information, observation, accounts, etc etc. I feel addicted to this kind of control, I feel less anxious. If something gets out of control, if I can't find information about someone I start to get super anxious and almost crying.

I know this is not right, but I can't stop. It calms me.
I am in therapy for anxiety. I don't know what disease I have and the doctors don't want to tell me (we don't like labels, they say). I can't talk about this to them because I am making progress and I want to get out of this therapy thing. I want their approval so I can be free again.

Thank you

Hello Accord2: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm not sure what to tell you about this. The way people typically deal with these sorts of things is via mental health therapy & / or psych medications. But you mentioned, in your introductory post that you hate your doctors. And in this post you wrote that you can't talk with them about this because you're making progress & you want to get out of therapy. I'm not sure what kind of progress it is you think you're making when you have all of this sexuality-related anxiety, compulsions & obsessions going on. Yes, you may be making some progress "tinkering around the edges", so to speak. But, from what you've written, it sounds as though you're still carrying the 800 pound gorilla around on your back.

There aren't any magical answers here... some secret technique you haven't heard of that's going to make what you're struggling with disappear. If you could simply (& honestly) accept things as they are & say: "hey... I like gay porn & I had this friendship with this guy, but now he's gone, & I'm genuinely okay with it all, etc." then you could just be cool with it all... no big deal... no sweat. But from what you wrote it sounds as though you can't do that. All of this is causing you huge amounts of anxiety to the point where you feel out of control & you've been suicidal. Perhaps you still are? That being the case, being honest & forthright with your mental health professionals & starting to work with them on this is really the way to go... perhaps the only way for you to go. If you dislike the mental health professionals you're working with, then it's important to find others you do like. (Preferably they should be professionals who have experience working with sexuality-related addictions. That's important. My personal opinion is that professionals who do not can do more harm than good.)

As far as the disease / label question goes... my personal opinion is that this is really a "side issue". Yes it might help you to feel better if your doctor would give you a label. But it really doesn't change anything. And, in fact, mental health professionals often don't even agree with regard to patients' diagnoses. Every mental health professional I've ever seen has had a little different idea with regard to what's going on with me. In the end, it's just that particular professional's opinion of where you fit in, in terms of the various diagnoses that are listed in the DSM. Sometimes having a clearer perspective with regard to a person's diagnosis can, I guess, be helpful in terms of knowing which psych med's may potentially be of benefit. But having your doctor give you a label isn't going to make what you're struggling with go away.

Anyway... I'm sorry you are in the throes of such a difficult struggle. I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity disorder myself. So I have some sense of how excruciatingly difficult human sexuality struggles can be. I wish you well...