breaking patterns ~ help!

This may trigger ~ S.A. briefly mentioned below.

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I've recently noticed a pattern I've fallen into. I was abused in early and throughout middle childhood. In mid-teen years to early 20's, I used my experience to attract "true love". Didn't work, but -- I almost always dissociated during sex. Even during 18 years of marriage & fidelity w/ my ex, I dissociated. I couldn't enjoy sex. Instead, it became automatic. Wonderful for him ~ but I was 20 miles away.

Anyway, I'm now in another relationship. He's been fantastic with me. Very giving, slow, and safe. I really want to be there emotionally. I rarely ever dissociate with him. However, I have a very hard time reaching orgasm. I find that I have to be completely into the task itself to allow orgasm, but that's a very fine line between dissociation.

Do you understand what I'm talking about? Does this make any sense?? I do care deeply about my bf ~ and he does please me ~ so why am I still in this pattern? I feel bad, because he has picked up on my tendency (despite hours of trying every time!) & fears that it's due to his physical disability.

I understand. I've been through the same thing. My last ex was understanding, and tried to work with me. A couple times, I was able to enjoy it a bit. But even the tiniest little thing could snap me back into dissociation. It's irritating, but I think it would be useful (for me, at least) to be in a relationship where I trust the person a lot; so far, I've been unsuccessful in that area. It did help for me to stay in the moment; are you familiar with grounding skills? Just focus on current feelings, current emotions. Maybe have your bf help talk you through it, to make sure you're not dissociating.

Thank you AtreyuFreak,

It's nice that you know what I'm talking about. I am working in DBT to overcome my past experiences and learn proper ways to live & form new relationships.

My levels of trust swing high and low pretty fast, which confuses me. When I highly trust, I open up 100% to him. Something happens (I don't recall what), and I feel empty inside. Very strange, I just hate it! One of those days for me now.

my therapist was talking about this type of thing with me and she said that if dissociation happens it probably was how you coped when the original abuse occurred.

you might just have to find ways to feel more grounded during sex i guess but not sure on how.

Have you tried to have sex when you are 100% opened and trusting of him?

yes, you've got it.

we have had sex when I was 100% there & it was wonderful. my big problem is that I have a negative tendency to use others to define myself and sense of self. so, if my bf doesn't seem to be in love with me, or he's sick or crabby (whatever), I am terrified that our love is gone. in that case, what am I doing there? I can't stay with someone who doesn't love me..and I go down further and further kicking myself for failure. it takes a few days or so, before I can start seeing the positive again and be reassurred. then, I am once again convinced that I am special. that's my crazy roller coaster.

obviously, unhealthy. I know. but those feel-good days and nights are priceless to me! I just hate those spirals downward.

p.s. thankfully, I'm currently back on my upward swing again.

While I do not suggest this method all time I do believe it may be helpful here:
FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT

when my DID tries to take the best of me away during sex - I proceed on as is and if needed I fake it until I can return... which is usually not long.

I have learned to give and take while I live, work and have sex with DID.