[collectivesoul]

i've had relationships with women in the past..usually we are friends and then gradually through mutual attraction we become a couple & feelings, love develop..sex was also great in my last relationship..which was back in the early 90's..im now 43..before that relationship & since then i've basically had many very safe, but anonomous sexual hookups with men i meet online..i consider myself 'bisexual' because in my mind that seems more acceptable to me than labelling myself 'gay'..although im not able to tell people about my bisexuality..i'm very afraid of 'coming out' and being labled 'gay' or 'bisexual' to friends & family..so i continue to live a lie and have even dated a girl very recently from an online dating site..i really like her, but cant really see anything developing and there is no real sexual attraction..at least not after 3 dates..so have not persued it for fear i should not start something i cannot finish..on the other hand, im not even sure if i want a 'relationship' with a man, other than to satisfy my sexual desires..that's why im still single..i would like to have a regular, discreet friend/buddy/sex partner but that seems hard to find, although i'm seeing a married guy once in awhile for mutual relations..always safe. is there a need to come 'out' to close friends and family, will that solve anything? im sure they wonder why im still single but i feel very strongly about keeping my sexuality to myself and the ones im involved with..i have very strong feelings of guilt and shame when i think about actually 'coming out' and would not want to be thought of as a 'pervert' because im not in a long term 'straight' relationship..so i feel very out of place with family and friends who are married or in committed relationships with kids, etc..because i'm not..

any advise?

any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated?

[VickiesPath]

Hello Collectivesoul,

I am a 57 year old heterosexual female. I have always been this way and have not had doubts about my sexual orientation so I am sure you are wondering what the hell I can do to help you. Well, here's the thing. I've been around the block a few times and I read your very honest and sensitive post with great interest because I've had many gay and lesbian and bisexual friends in my lifetime. My best, closest friend for 24 years was a lesbian and she died from breast cancer 11 years ago. I had a tough time getting over it.

Here's my opinion. What concerns me about your post is not so much your concern about "coming out" it's the words in your post: "not wanting to be labeled"; "feelings of guilt and shame"; "pervert". You are definitely NOT ok with who you are. Who you are, whether it be a gay man, a bisexual man, a straight man, or a eunuch, and whether or not you have any kind of relationship with a man or a woman, you owe no one any explanation for who you are at any time until you are sure of who you are and you UNDERSTAND and LIKE who you are. People are going to judge you all your life no matter who you are or what you do. They judged me because I am mentally ill and because I made some questionable life decisions along my journey. But what the hell. I was living my life, they weren't. And what I would suggest to you, if you can, is to find a therapist or a counselor who can help you sort out some of these questions you are struggling with so that you can start feeling better.

Just remember, you don't owe anyone any explanations of your life. It's YOUR life. Try not to judge yourself so harshly and see if you can find someone to help in sorting some things out. We will be here to support you and keep us informed about how it's going.

We care about you.

[collectivesoul]

Wow Vickie!
I didn't expect a response so soon! What you said makes so much sense. My challenge, now is to feel good in my own skin no matter what anyone thinks! Easier said than done, but i'm determined!

Many thanks!

[Grithnir]

I am a gay male and have met men your age that were even married but hence I did not meet them in person. It sounds like with all that confusion over the years the discrete behavior is required because society has unwritten restrictions to gay people no matter what. I would highly recommend giving back to your discrete gay encounters with some talk, some mention of who you are so you can have a committed gay friend. They are easy to find, and it doesn't hurt. And of course I endorse therapists, I love mine, but not with any attraction. He had to pry the fact I was gay out of me, and the stories of relationships I have had with men are a whole nother story that hasn't come out of me yet as I just met the therapist recently. It helps a great deal. Make friends is all I am saying and then it won't feel so strange.

[Grithnir]

And why not go to a gay bar! Sorry to hear about your friend Vickie. If you are going to come out to the family you might as well come out first to people that will accept you. I don't like this idea of meeting married men and having discrete relationships with them. That has got to be the most akward thing in the world.

[collectivesoul]

Thanks for the advise gang..it is helpful. I may seek out a therapist who can help me specifically with these issues..

[Ascension]

I agree with VP. I think that we all need to come to terms with who we are and what we need and want to make us happy. This was a good first step I think, talking to us here. And as you can see there are people out here that are not judging you for the things you were afraid we would. There are people in the world that will, but the fulfillment you get when you find and surround yourself with people that support you no matter where your heart lies, makes it all worth it. The thing is people can't support you if you don't trust them. So I hope you find the courage to, in your time, find a way to be honest so people can be there for you.

[lynn P.]

I agree with everything the others posters said and I'm a great supportive of gay rights. The only thing about your post I don't agree with is, you say you're seeing a married man. If you were a straight woman, I would be saying the same thing - that's not cool. Perhaps it's because I've be cheated on, is the reason this is a sore issue. I'm all for not judging a person but I just don't condone that part of your post. I would never want to hurt another person the way I've been hurt. Aside from that point I wish you good luck.