Debilitating sexual issues...possible trigger warning

So I'm 17, I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder), as well as Reactive Attachment Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, severe anxiety and severe depression (to name a few). From ages 7-9 (approximately, since I suppressed it), I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by my brother and his friends. As far as I can tell, he is a bipolar sociopath (if that's possible); he even bragged to my male cousin (who I'm really close to) about the abuse. He's been in trouble with the cops and was kicked out of our home for a while, but is now back for an undetermined period of time.

I was also sexually abused at 14 and raped at 15. The second of these assaults resulted in a pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage after 6-8 weeks.

In addition to this, my mother is emotionally abusive. I have PTSD (I'm not sure which it's from, or all).

For a while, when I drank roughly half a bottle a day and smoked marijuana and popped painkillers regularly, I was fairly promiscuous. Then I got to a point where I avoided all sexual contact for over a year. When I started dating my last ex, he pressured me into sexual activity, but we were never able to go all the way. He never outright forced me, but he had a very high libido. Often I just went along with it to make him happy. I have never had an orgasm. There were a few times (which I can count on one hand) that I could "ground" (per se) enough to let go and actually enjoy it without dissociating. Most of the time I just got freaked out and had to stop, and often had panic attacks.

I'm at a point in my life where everyone around me is having sex, and while that doesn't make me want it, hormones do. I want to be able to have a relationship with a man without sex (or lack thereof) breaking us up. I want to be able to enjoy it like other people do. What happens if I want kids someday? I can't even get through a pelvic exam without hyperventilating! What do I do?

I should mention that I'm seeing a PTSD therapist, but have barely been able to talk about any of this, other than to touch briefly on the abuse and the rapes. I'm terrified of even TALKING about it; how crazy is that?

PS: On the one occasion that I was able to have consensual sex, it hurt horribly! I was not a virgin at the time, and though he was a bit large (down there), I don't think that was the reason. I've heard of past trauma and anxiety making sex painful; how do I know if that's what's happening to me?

Thanks for reading, I really don't even expect anyone to reply. I just needed to...get this out. I keep everything sexual buried and repressed...so it's huge for me to even write this. I'm horribly embarassed even about what I've stated in this post, and trust me, I've heard worse!

that is very true.
I am not sure if there is any way to be 100% sure, but I just wanted to say that I am almost unable to have sex because of the pain.
I would HIGHLY suggest tryinng to talk to your T about these things.
Maybe you can write him/her a letter? Just write it like you are posting on here.

I followed the link from your other post in the Sexual Identity forum so don't think I am stalking you ha-ha.
Anyways.. wow... I think your brother belongs in a mental facility, because from what you said he is unstable and dangerous.

I am so sorry for what your home life is like and I wish I had solid advice to make it better, but the best I can say is that you need to get out of there. I know you know that and it's hard to do, but a good life exist out there..just gotta keep your head up and try not letting things or people get you down.

I hope you get more advice here as I see there are only two from the second of Feb...I think you need more help with this than me with my stupid thread.

I'll keep a prayer for ya.

I followed the link too. There's no way you can feel safe and work through your PTSD and these sexual issues with your brother in the same house! You really need to get out of there and if not, stay with your friends as much as possible. I totally understand what you are saying about dissociating during sex. I did the same thing all the time. I've never really been able to "ground" and completely enjoy it. I feel the same way about being with a man. My husband is in jail right now and I hope when he gets back, I won't be having the same feelings about sex, but I know it's gonna take some time & i should talk to a therapist about it. About pelvic exams, you're gonna have to deal with it. My doctor always told me to wiggle my toes to get through it. I dissociated during that too. These are really things you should try to talk to your therapist about. She could probably help you a lot more. Try relaxation exercises, yoga, self-hypnosis, etc. You won't feel like this forever, one day you'll feel better.

I have been where you are today and I can honestly tell you that the only way for you to determine if your past is now creating the pain you fill during sexual intercourse is to have your body checked out by a doctor and your mind given a good once over by a therapist that deals with DID & PTSD.

I want to say that I am sorry you have so many bad intimacy issues in your life where you have been betrayed. I hope you seriously take what Ashadow suggested and look for a place that isn't so dangerous for you emotionally if at all possible. I wish you peace and safety.

Going through issues like this is a process, so try not to limit your thinking too much regarding future possibilities. Just because you don't want sex now doesn't mean you'll never find it enjoyable, or that kids will never be a possibility. You still are quite young, and there are many young men in your age range who would like a relationship but choose to abstain from sex. You have options and bringing this up here was a great first step. There is often a lot of shame associated with abuse that makes talking difficult, so facing that challenge is often the first step in seeking help and dealing with the issues. I would definitely try to work up to bringing this up with your T (especially if that person has earned some trust). Although recovery can be a journey, it's certainly not one you should have to go through alone.

Also, if you don't mind some semi-frank discussions on sex, I'd be happy to lend my opinion: If you are that anxious and upset during sex acts, and especially since grounding let you enjoy it a few times, I would say the pain you experience is most likely a natural response to that stress. If you're not ready, you're not ready; and that's perfectly okay. As much as it may feel like everyone is having sex at your age, it's not true. The ones who aren't just don't talk as much about it. Also, when you get to a position where you feel comfortable enough to start exploring sexuality (which honestly probably isn't now), it might be better to start with self-exploration rather than doing it with a partner. That way you don't feel pressured to keep going if you don't want to, and you stay completely in control of the whole thing. One step at a time though.

Again, I'm really happy you were able to bring this up with us, and I wish you all the luck in your healing process. Take care!

I have started discussing the abuse with my T (I posted about this in the Survivors of Abuse forum). Hopefully it will help, obviously it's too early to tell at the moment...thanks everyone for the support .

I don't mean to disregard your issues, but your first sentence "So, I'm 17" pretty much stopped my thinking there to: Why are you worrying about sex so much so young?!? I didn't have sex until I was 20. I don't think you should put so much pressure on yourself and why you need to figure out why sex hurts. You should be focusing on helping yourself emotionally and psychologically....you sound like you have had a very hard, abusive past. The absolute last thing you need is to worry about sex. That's just my opinion.

I totally agree with Katileena. May you find peace soon.

My sex issues started when I was 16.

I was also very young.

Now I am 43 and still struggling with my issues.

I relate to the pelvic exam thing, too---haven't had one since 2003.

I hope we both get thru this.

Billi