[Locust]

The guy I'm with is a very good lover and I've been happy with our sex life. In my last serious relationship, my partner and I engaged in BDSM. It got to the point were I couldn't have an orgasm without at least thinking about BDSM. I was torn about my desires because I a feminist, I HATE sexual violence against any gender, and also, some of the things that turned me on also made me feel shame or humiliation, so there was this mix of enjoying it and feeling negative about the experience. Also, while some people don't feel the need to push the envelope more and more, I think I sort of did. I regained the ability to climax without having BDSM activities or fantasies. I do enjoy gentle love making, as well as rough love making, and the reason I like rough lovemaking isn't all about the BDSM aspect- I just genuinely like the physical sensation. I like both easy and rough now. Anyway, my new lover isn't really into BDSM though he has said a couple of things that leaned in that direction. However, I confessed to him one night that I used to be so into it, I couldn't climax without it, and I also admitted some of my neg. feelings that I used to have from it. Since then, he seemed to avoid that sort of thing more. He never was really into it, but I feel that saying that might have turned him totally off to doing any of it because he doesn't want me to become addicted to it again, or to make me feel bad. Part of me thinks I don't even want to go there because I like what we're doing. I don't really feel like the BDSM is missing, so why even bring it up, I guess. There's something I wanted to ask him to say for awhile, that's kinky, but I never asked for it, and now I'm unclear if I want it or not. Even though he knows I like BDSM, he doesn't know I like a particular kinky phrase. I hinted at it before, but while discussing it, found out he finds the kinky phrase.....a bit disgusting or too deviant. So, I never told him I liked it. It doesn't seem like something I need, and I don't know if I even want it anymore, so why risk making him think I'm a perv? Yet, part of me wonders if maybe part of him does like it deep down and only part of him is weirded out by it, because sometimes that happens with kinky stuff....but then, I think, maybe he is just entirely repulsed by it. Could he understand my liking it or will he think I'm a sicko?

hi
First off - I want to encourage you to remember that BDSM is not "perverted" really. Depending on what you consider perverted. Heck some people think sex without marriage is pretty perverted. I think its such a grey term that theres no real definition.

Secondly, I wanted to talk about what you had mentioned about engaging in the BDSM in your previous relationship, and feeling good but also shameful and humiliated. Thats common - but I think you should as yourself why exactly do you find this to be a source of humiliation/shame? And also, is the negative feelings something that you feel you deserve, or just a side effect of BDSM?

Some women, often those who have been abused or treated poorly in the past, tend to gravitate towards BDSM/rough sex/ rough play/humiliation to fufill their need to punish themselves because of the abuse. Thats something you need to make sure ISINT true of why you went there and chose to do it. If it is, you may want to absolutely stay away from that, because it does re traumatize you, sometimes you dont realize it until much later on.

However - there are some people who just like it rough and kinky
I happen to be one of those people. I actually happen to be one who started with the beforementioned situation, stopped, healed that area of my life, and am now able to do it without retraumatization. I didnt even realize it was me fufilling old patterns until way into therapy. However now, I can enjoy a wide variety of sexual "deviances"(which i dont think they really qualify as a deviance - tons of people like this kind of thing) without punishing myself!

heres something to think about. BDSM is NOT about sexual violence, at its core. BDSM is about liking it a little rougher than normal, and enjoying either taking control AND responsibility for another human being, or being the one controlled. Myself, I enjoy when I can give up control of myself and trust my sexual self with a man. I know when I engage in this that I trust my bf to not do anything I say to stop. I trust that I can say a certain word and stop the whole thing if i am uncomfortable. And of course, I trust him to know my body and what I like! He in turn, trusts me to let him know when I need to stop, tell him what I like, and not only is he trusting me for all of this, he is also RESPONSIBLE for me during that time. True bdsm comes with responsibility for the other person. Its really about loving and caring and giving of yourself completely. And of course, about making the person happy and doing whats best for them.

What about sitting down and sort of picking his brain about this stuff a little more. You could say "I was reading online today about XYZ and it got me thinking. Whats your opinion on all that type of stuff anyways?" You could even throw in that you have done a bit of it and found it enjoyable.

This is all of course, going to depend on how much you trust this person. But if your thinking about getting into BDSM with him, you HAVE to ensure you trust him explicitly.

[dfh932]

Some women, often those who have been abused or treated poorly in the past, tend to gravitate towards BDSM/rough sex/ rough play/humiliation to fufill their need to punish themselves because of the abuse. Thats something you need to make sure ISINT true of why you went there and chose to do it. If it is, you may want to absolutely stay away from that, because it does re traumatize you, sometimes you dont realize it until much later on.

rainbow i was wondering about this. I read somewhere that if a person repeats bad things or whatever, they are doing it to 'fix' it in their heads. Like, it's on their own terms and they can control the situation. Is that healthy, or is that still an unhealthy thing?

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by dfh932

rainbow i was wondering about this. I read somewhere that if a person repeats bad things or whatever, they are doing it to 'fix' it in their heads. Like, it's on their own terms and they can control the situation. Is that healthy, or is that still an unhealthy thing?

I think it's a misconception that it's 'on their own terms'. For instance, I know a girl who was abused by her father, then by her first boyfriend, eventually married a man who abused her, divorced him and began dating again only to end up in a relationship with a man who abused her. Sitting on my couch one evening after a trip to the emergency room she sobbed, "Why can't I find a nice guy like you?" She did find a nice guy like me - me, yet she had no interest in me - or didn't think of me 'that way' specifically because I wouldn't abuse her.

She spent her entire life trying to redo her relationship with her father, trying to 'get it right this time'. She was only attracted to men who would give her that chance. So you're right, people repeat things in order to 'fix' it in their own heads, but unless you're conscious of the connections between the past and the present - and very few truly are, you're just repeating cycles.

I mean think about it, why would someone who was conscious of the fact that their attraction to abusive men come from trying to fix it with their father - begin a relationship with another abusive man? If they understood where it came from they would realize that there is nothing for them to 'fix'. The abuse came from the abuser and the responsibility lies there - not with them, therefore there is nothing they can do to 'fix' him and so, what can she possibly gain from being with another abuser?

[dfh932]

wow....well you might as well have added "checkmate!" at the end of your reply, AK.
I mean, you nailed it. that's just so true. thanks