Extream sexual confusion and problems

I just recently started trying to talk about my past SA. I posted on the survivors of abuse forum and I plan to tell my T about it on my next visit.

I am so afraid of even talking about my sexual issues. So this is really hard for me and I hope I do not offend anyone. I dint even know where to start.

I was 5 or 6 when I was abused by 2 girls of the same age or a year older. And ever since then I have been preoccupied with sex. I was introduced to it way to early and I blame my issues on that. Other than those times when I was little, I have never had any other sexual experienc anyone. I didn't even kiss anyone until I was 18. I'm so very terrified of intamecy. I have crazy sexual fantasies that I'm so worried that I will act on that I stay as far away from sex and other people as I possibly can.

PS. Sorry about the spelling. I'm on my moble and it's hard to proofreade and edit
Sometimes I would wish I would be raped. Even when I was young I would imagine I want it. Logically I know that it would be a horrifying experience yet I still sometimes want it to happen.

I'm a 25 year old female BTW. Sometimes I wish I was a guy and other times I don't. And other times I wish I was both. Most of the time I am just confused.

Sometimes I have desires to have sex but because I am so terrified I wish so bad that I would never have them. Sometimes I think about mutilating myself down there. Doing the female equivalint of castration. Cutting off that horrible thing that I hate so much. But I know that doing so will not it rid of the hormones that are causing the desires.

But what is most disturbing is my occasional desire/attraction to little kids. It's so sick and discusting. I'm so nervous around kids because of this. It's mainly twards girls. I'm sure I would never act on the thoughts. But even so, it's just not right. I have never admitted this to anyone. Never written it down or typed it out for fear of being sent to jail.

I'm just sick in The head and I wish so much to not have any sexual desires at all.

I just needed to get this out and finally write it out. Sorry if it was disturbing and sick. I hate myself so much

Sounds like you need to locate a therapist that can offer you good advice and guidance while helping you deal with the sexual abuse from your childhood so you can mover forward in life and in love....

do u think u might have ocd one of the symptoms is intrusive thoughts which would explain why u have thoughts about little kids u say u wouldnt act on these thoughts so id say it may be ocd i suffer ocd myself its only resently i found out i went through yrs and yrs of depression because of this i hope that this has helped u a little all the best

it is very common for people who have been assaulted at a very young age to feel the way you do. to have very similar thoughts even (all though i understand and fully believe each person and situation is unique). my suggestion is now that you have been so brave to share your deep and closely carried fears you share them with a trained therapist you feel comfortable with. if you seek the help and our willing to put forth the work (facing the fears and emotions) then you can very possibly find understanding, insight, and the peace that all survivors of assault deserve.

Oh (((((((Stacy)))))))).. I just want you to know, you're not alone.

Your story sounds so much like mine.

I don't know what to do either.. but I'm trying to be honest with my therapist.. and I have hope that facing this will help me overcome it. Are you in therapy?

Thankyou guys for replying it really is a comfort when someone replies even if just to say one thing.

I do have a T but I am so embarrased to talk about this. I have never talked about sex with anyone not even in general. My parents didn't give me 'the talk'. I would be more comfortable jumping out of a plane with no parachute than discuss this with anyone.

But I need to get help for these issues so I will write it down in a journal but I will only show it to my T when I am ready. I'm already going to tell him about my abuse. I think that is enough for one session. I don't want to have a panic attack.

Good for you and if you find it hard to bring up at your next session just do what I did - write it down on paper and hand it to your T to read... things are easier to talk about once the cat is out of the bag.

Rhapsody - I totally agree with your idea of writing it on a piece of paper.

Hrm. Sorry to hear about that, Stacy.
Sounds like your attraction to girls is indeed stemming from that period of trauma - some sort of a regression to that period. The fear is understandable, and there are a lot of useless guys out there, so you're really not missing out on much.
Talking to the therapist is the best thing you can do right now - you'll need to go out of your comfort zone, but don't just dive in at the deep end.
Keep us updated here, we want to know how things are going.

(((STACY))) I think talking about it will help. Finding a T you can be comfortable with is not easy, but please pursue it, so you can work through your past traumatic issues.

You need help if you're attracted to little girls. You really need it.

Hi ~

First, take a deep breath -- and then know that talking about sexual issues is very difficult for most people because it is a topic we don't normally discuss.

Now, congratulate yourself because you have been able to recognize that this is an important issue in your life, and sexual health and identity are very much a part of who we are as human beings.

You bring up some points about your past -- that you had sexual experiences with other children at a young age -- what is sometimes referred to as "precocious" -- and that had a strong impact on how you feel about yourself and your sexuality at this point in your life.

Being able to write about the issues that are concerning you is a very positive step and you may want to "cut & paste" what you have written and simply print that out or your therapist rather than try to rewrite.

I believe that what may most concern you, your desires and compulsions (self mutilation, attraction to the juvenile form, etc.), is in fact a sign that you may be ready at this time in your therapeutic journey to start addressing the issue of your adult sexuality.

As with all therapy, take things at your pace, work with your therapist(s) and your support system, and continue your medication regimen and journalling.

SusanS