[koalabb123456]

Hello. I am a 25 years old female. I am very confused about my sexuality. I am not sure if i am really a lesbian. I always seem to find myself very attracted to older women that aren't able to have any type of relationship due to ethical reason. They are always my previous therapist, professors, librarian. They are all already married, not attracting to the same sex and some have children. I am not sure whether i am looking for a mother figure in those women (I can't get along well with my mom at all, we always have fight, argument and we just hate each-other, despite living at the same house). Whenever i find myself feeling attracted to those women, i became very confused about my feeling toward them. I long to be with them romantically, physically, maybe even sexually. I want to kiss them, to hold them and to touch them. I also wish they could be my surrogate mom, so they can give me the nurture, love, affection i deprive from my mom. I feel so tormented by the confusion and i become severely depressed and suicidal over this. I don't know what to do. Therapy is so difficult due to my non-stop attachment and attraction toward those female therapist.

[lone_twin4]

Hi, I read your post yesterday but wanted to think about my reply. Maybe replying to you will help me in my own confusion, too! I hope this is a bit useful to you.

Firstly, it's perfectly fine and possible to feel sexual attraction toward women without being a lesbian. I think a lot of women have quite fluid sexualities anyway, and it's not always useful to label yourself. A question my friends asked me when I was talking about my confusion was: who most commonly features in my sexual fantasies or dreams? Thinking about that helped me.

Sorry to hear that you don't have a good relationship with your mum. I have heard girls say similar things about their fathers - that they're looking for a father figure in a relationship because their own wasn't around, or other things. It's not half as confusing without sexuality to consider on top! Everyone needs to get nurture, love and affection from somewhere; where we go wrong is thinking that one, special person can provide all of that. Would it be useful and possible for you to request a different therapist?

Also, the women you are attracted to seem to often be unattainable. I hope using myself as an example here isn't too weird/self-centred, but the same applies to me - I'm rarely attracted to women I can actually get, because I don't want them. I'm sexually attracted to women but I don't want to be in a relationship with one because I am still trying to convince myself that I'm totally straight and will marry a man one day. So I wondered how you would feel about being a lesbian were it not for the issues with your mum - does it make you feel uncomfortable or is it something you have considered before and don't have a problem with now?

I hope this is a bit useful and not patronising or anything! I considered myself as well; in any context it is hard to come out as anything, even bisexual. Best wishes.

[sugahorse1]

I've grown up having a mother there for me, but I think we never really got close.
My later teenage years I had a mother figure I looked up to and could discuss anything with. She was instrumental in my formative years.
I wanted to spend every waking hour around her.
2 years ago I again met an older woman, this time at work - I was 23 and she was 39. Something just attracted me to her, even though I'd been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We ended up getting together; the first time either of us had really gotten involved in same-sex relationship. She had been divorced from her husband , and I'd never been with a woman.

Today I am back with my boyfriend, and she is dating some other guy (I think, as we are no longer in contact) I guess that relationship was a mixture of a mother-figure setup, and a really chemical and emotional click.

It's behind me though. At the same time, I still feel terribly lonely, even though I am in a relationship with my boyfriend and live with him. It's almost like I'm yet again hunting for a mother-figure. I definitely do not expect a physical or romantic relationship, but there is just such an empty yearning inside me