A bit of a mess...

Hi,

Em, where do i begin and how do i put this so it makes sence!!!

I suffer from HOCD. Basically that is a fear that i might be gay and a fear
that other people think i am gay. In the past i have tried to even say to
myself that im gay, but it just didnt fit and i couldnt accept this. I am not
gay, but every now and again i doubt this, as it is an
intrusive/obsessional thought. I am attracted to men and have been since
a young kid - but the fear is still there...

I was sexually abused when i was 16 by a very close friend of mine. HOCD
developed when i was around 17. Im 21 now. When i seen there was a
label for what i was experiencing - HOCD - i felt so much relief to know i
wasnt going mad and others go through this too. I duno if the HOCD is
linked the the sexual abuse. Maybe, maybe not...

I suffer from social anxiety also, just to add that in, coz it matters, as you
will find out further on. I have also never been a touchy feely person and i
think that is linked to my up-bringing coz there was no love & affection in
the home - just fighting etc.

I have got dependancy issues with alcohol and drugs. I became sexually
active when i was 15 - thats when i started drinking. All my sexual
partners have been when i have been drunk or drugged and the thought
of sex without a drink or drug is terrifing. Also not going into details but
some of my previous partners, i havnt had the best experience with.

I am currently seeing someone who i like. The more i see him the more i
come to like him but im still not sure how i fully feel about him coz my
heads a bit messed up. I feel our relationship is going to become physical
soon, and its something i do want but i am really worried becoz of all the
stuff mentioned above. Mainly the anxiety, the HOCD & drink/drug
dependancy. I worry with the anxiety
sober i wont be able to preform.

I duno what to do about my situation and i duno what im even hoping to
gain from this post. How do i help my situation? I want to become physical
and enjoy the sex we have (if & when we do), but with the anxiety,
drink/drug dependancy & unsure feelings towards him, i dunno what to
do. Would it help to open up to him, but even saying that i think - "god
no, i couldnt do that", but it may ease me somewhat. I wouldnt say about
the HOCD coz il sound like a complete nutcase and he would proberly run
a mile...

Please help me. What can i do? Can i even do anything? And please dont
think im mad, coz this is something i am struggling with big time and i dont
know what to do. I also feel writing this post so much shame for what
i have been thru and what goes thru my head.

Tnx for reading - if you didnt stop after the first few lines!

He needs to know about your problem. Tell him you fear becoming intimate with him and take things slowly. If he doesn't understand that you have serious issues then he's obviously not the one for you. Have you received any therapy for your issues?

Being honest with him is the best thing you can do, for both of you, so that you don't end up doing something you're not ready for out of fear of telling him, and he doesn't feel later like he's done something wrong. If he's a good, caring, mature and honest person, and that's why you're attracted to him, he will understand. You don't have to push yourself to do something you are not ready for emotionally.

I know what it's like to want something you don't really want, if that makes sense. It's a confusing place to be, and we really have to examine our fears and desires and motives, and be honest with OURSELVES first, then act on the truth with both of your well-beings in mind.

Take some time, make sure you are ready and that you can enjoy it with no regrets, and without needing to numb yourself to experience it. It could take a while, but fully experiencing the joy of that intimacy is not possible if you are numbing yourself in order to "get through it". That's not what it should be about at all.

Intimacy is not just sexual. It starts in the mind. It is being comfortable with someone, and mutually appreciating aspects of the other, with a sense of trust.

Intimacy in a physical aspect is not just sexual. It is comfort, and lots of touching that is not sexual in context, but an expression of caring.

Intimacy in a sexual aspect is not about fear and anxiety, or worrying about performance. It comes from a mutual feeling of wanting to each other to enjoy the experience, and a sense security. Feeling the attraction, learning things about the other person's body, with gentleness first.

You can take time to build this. You can take the time you need. And if this is what you want, don't be afraid to tell him. You can build something you will both enjoy as partners, and work toward a healthy sexual and emotional relationship.

Are you seeing a therapist about the HOCD? If not, it might help to have a plan to work toward the goal of being comfortable with this situation. I don't know about your drug and alcohol issues, so I couldn't give you any advice on those unless you have a goal when it comes to those issues, and where that comes into play for you in your life and relationships.

Good luck!

I was the exact same way regarding drinking and drugs in order to be able to have sex. I had to always be drunk or high in order to be intimate with guys I went out with. Then I got married, stopped the drinking because I was using it to self-medicate (Bipolar Disorder) and then had to have sex with my husband sober. It was very difficult at first, but he took things slowly and sex is so much better when you are not under the influence of anything. When you build up trust with someone, it gets easier and easier.

Just talk to him, and tell him you need to take things slowly to build up trust with him.

Sorry for the delay...

Im in therapy, but i dont have the words to say hocd and explain it. I
have tried so much to just say it but i cant. And i dont know how to
change that.

I dont even know how to talk about my issues with the person im seeing,
like how do you start a conversation like that?!

Communication feels complex when you have a lot of problematic thoughts going on in your head. So, my suggestion is to keep it simple. For instance, just say something along the lines of "i'm glad we both like to take our time getting to know each other" to your friend.

Regarding communication with your therapist, i hope you can realize that the more forthcoming you are about yourself, the more they will be able to understand and to help you. perhaps, if you are uncomfortable telling the therapist straight out that you suffer from HOCD, you could start by telling them that there are things you are afraid to tell them. that way, the therapist could first address the issue of fear and hopefully find a way to help you feel comfortable enough to open up. so, please let your therapist know that you feel uncomfortable telling them things and work on that issue. you appear to have a strong desire to get better; use that desire to let the therapist know you are uncomfortable opening up. all the best to you!