[objtrbit]

heya;

awhile ago I found out I might be gay-or bi, donno, whatever lol.

It is sooo weird talking about this ****, but maybe some of you can relate.
I am a female.......I can't believe I said that-anotomically I am...the same time, although I identify more with guys, I wouldn't want a sex change either-gives guys way to much credit lol. So what I have resolved to do is consider tomboys an entirely different race lol. (All of my 'female' friends I don't actually consider female, just part of something....better, and techniqually I don't like women either. Blah lol)...I know I know don't be hatin', I understand how..sexist(?) that is mentally....but oh man I HATE 'feminine' things being in anyway represented as me. No I will not hold your disgusting purse, type of thing (again, half of my mind knows how awful that sounds, but the other half agrees completly. lol!)

So...apparently I have mom issues lol; a lot of anger in general towards "female" things...all the sterotypical bs like weakness and flowers. lol.

Here is where this cluster**** gets even more complicated.....

I don't know if it's a lack of confidence thing or what-but I've seen some toughass butches, and I love them lol-but my personality is sooo not like that, despite how much I wish I was. I have no examples
If I try to act badass it always backfires...and these of course would be some of the more "masculine" (bs!) traits like strength and whatever. lol.

I feel like a pitbull trapped inside the body of a chiuhiua. lol. That is my perfect example lol. Misunderstood and made to fight but really all I want to do is be a protector. Only inside of a body that can express nothing. lol

This could go for a big, stalky, hairy guy that wishes he was a a princess in a pink dress-I could relate, only female-to-male verses male-to-female lol.

At this point I have no desire to take hormonal stuff, don't want a sex change, nona that lol. Just want to voice this and see if anyone can relate lol. Or have non "change your behavior" thoughts. lol

Take care,
-obj

[Inedible]

Have you ever heard the idea that a person is actually a crowd inside? The problem is that they all have different personalities, beliefs, values, desires, and intentions - and they take turns being in charge. It isn't the same as multiple personality disorder (now known as dissociative identity disorder), but it does sounds like something in that direction. Most people are neurotic to some extent. This idea of a person as a crowd makes sense, doesn't it? Haven't you ever been in a strange mood that you didn't understand? Or done something that didn't make sense afterward? Or have you ever done something that just felt like it was another person entirely? Yep. The healthier you are, the more integrated these parts of yourself are and the better they work together. The worst part is that you may have other people entirely represented in yourself - someone to stand in for your mother, a teacher, your friends, people you don't like. They don't even have to be human. The pitbull and the chihuahua can be there, too.

It sounds to me like you are a young person who has issues that are taking time to sort out but who is searching for themselves and their place in the world. You have a lot of thoughts. It sounds like you need to do some exploring and to gain some experience to determine who you really are. Perhaps you could make acquaintences with some "toughass butches" and find out if some are really nice - nice enough to get to know better because they seem to turn you on. I used to have a friend who was a "feminine lesbian" and she was turned on by "butch lesbians." In NYC there was an organization called the "butch/femme society" where the opposites could socialize and meet each other, develop frienships and relationships. Is there a butch/femme society in your city or online that you could try out? I think that some experience in the world, rather than staying with the thoughts in your head, is the way to go to find yourself. I think there are a lot of other people who are very similar to you and that you need to meet them. Good luck!!

[Omers]

OM*G... we've talked a bunch and I NEVER questioned that you were a guy! Had to read the "I'm female" line several times! glad I was sitting!

You are you and what that is just is... no right, wrong or mother issues IMO. I'm not a foofy chick either. Gender IMO is a spectrum.

IMO, given your age you are just figuring out how to claim your personal power, discover who and how you want to be as an adult and learn to express yourself that way. An uncomfortable limbo between youth and adulthood.

[Gus1234U]

it helps to remember that we live in a gender biased society, and females are still second class citizens in many ways. who would choose to be denied opportunities to grow and flourish? it angered me when i was your age, and i just went ahead and developed all of me. i call it being ambigenderous , and let the bigots live with themselves,, Best Wishes ,, Gus

[objtrbit]

[quote=Omers;2011853]OM*G... we've talked a bunch and I NEVER questioned that you were a guy! Had to read the "I'm female" line several times! glad I was sitting!

lol wish there was a "like" button haha, but thanks lolz.

[objtrbit]

I like what you guys had to say...dang I know that there is a spectrum but I always feel like I'm off the charts lol;

@Gus1234U-man, the gender distortions in society must be what's messin with me...femlaes are supossed to be all passive, frail, and who knows what else...apparently there are still pay differences....I have not come across that yet, I work at a gas station and we all get $8 an hour lol. But I know it's out there. Yay Olpha M Johnson, first female Marine. haha. So maybe I don't hate females, just females that follow societal bs? oh and "ambigenderous"-thats awesome lol

@omers-I hate being young lol-or actually the fact that I'm not stable yet in who I am; although, not gonna lie, figuring it all out can be fun...just the confusion that gets so annoying. I have been attracted to feminine chicks too...I hate that, it scares me a little lol. Cuz I can't predict myself, and I have no clue what it is I want for myself lol.

@unhappyguy-yeah I freakin love butches lol; but wouldn't ya know it... butch-butch relationships are way more uncommon than butch femme. I know it's possible though lol; oh man yeah the butch-femme society...If there was one in the area I think I would go to meet butches haha. I swear they all hide, and dammit they never make the magizines/tv ect, and when they do it's for straight men, nah mean? blah lol. Ellen degeners or whatever just doesn't cut it for me lol. But man it's cool-it is a start. I wanna see a lesbian or gay commercial-man whoever does that first is gonna get their company in the history books. If I owned a buisness I'd be jumping on that...cuz at least they represent the country fer real-equality dammit.

@inedible-it's funny you mention DID...I have strains of it....but I don't think I actually have it. I have experienced going through a day and then having money and having no idea when I withdrew it-but I consider that to be my ins and outs of depressive phases do to life events and stressors; I do split "I" verses "you" within myself, but I am conscious of it...I make "I" everything ideal in myself, I makes "you" everything I disdains. lol I record myself talking and actually got to the point where "I" is a rock of support rather than demeaning...but I due this all consciously though so I don't think it's any real problem in my life..that is, I do not claim to have DID, although I can relate people who do sometimes.
I don't know about the crowd inside....I think I'm just going through wishing I'm something I am not. Interesting perspective though...I might see how that evolves lol.

Thanks!
-obj