[RuthAnnMarie]

i'm new here and i'm choosing a name trio i came up with a while ago as i've been transitioning for the past couple of years into the other half of my adult relationship. the man i've been with for the past 12 years, i feel in love with as a child and i have been going through the process of sifting through parental tendencies (he's got children, and of course i've been childish though not as bad as some people) as well as dominant tendencies that sometimes get twisted together. a while ago, i realized i've been half asleep for my whole life and that if i were a man i could communicate what feels to be more accurate (definitely more efficiently surrounded by boisterous and confident males who are adapting or not to levels of honesty and calm and care a sensitive girl like myself is more accustomed to). i have a man within me (i'm a creator, i make characters and stories), several as a matter of fact-i'm still having trouble letting them out the way i need to because it requires a confidence i'm lacking at the moment because of this being a reality. i'm aesthetically pleasing to most, can be very affectionate, intelligent, compassionate, obedient, submissive--i even have a sex slave identity to go with all of this, why would i want to be a guy? i think football, MMA, physical combat and i'm listening to all the reasons why.

my master is a combative type, so is his son and friend--all of whom live with us and keep well up speed on the ongoing events with world destruction and protest. we have combat blood and i might be a nympho with all the focus i can't keep on my work (i work from home, and spend much of my time here) for all the 'twitching' i feel, sometimes quite randomly. because of circumstances in and out of our control, the kind of sex we've been having the past 9 years has not been occurring and it's been taking it's toll on us both.

either i can't make him understand, or it's my personally created nightmare--but i've been trying to understand my own ambitions when i aspire to be a nude model for the love and money i sorely need, then spend all day in bed without a second thought for anything other than 'now' when 'now' clearly says 'i'm tired or frustrated/can't focus'.

i feel like we're at odds sometimes, and we just have this iddy biddy communication lightbulb that just hasn't lit up yet. i'm trying to find the psychological differences between: dominant, master (boss fetish) which i love and parental which i've become to despise.

this man is by far the sexiest, most brilliant, compassionate, funny, intelligent, altruistic, insightful, self sacrificing, deliciously cruel, arrogant men and natural leaders i know. i feel like a monster that he's annoying me.

please help, sometimes i just want him to see past my pretty face and beautiful *** so he can just listen to ME. we're friends of old, through past and future lives, and it pains me he can't see past the form i selected so i can't either. i am a wonderful woman, i really don't want to want to be a man. it's been hell having penis envy for most of my life, but it's only been this bad since his son became of age to challenge him on his level.

thank you for letting me speak here, please offer what insight you can.

RuthAnnMarie

[Astridetal]

Your post was pretty long and I'm not sure I understand it fully. Are you struggling with yoru gende ridentity (you say yo u want and don't want ot be a man) or with your relationship with your master, or both? I know little about fetish life, but I understand that a master/dom is quite a bit different from a parent. A master/dom does things within a consensual, adult relationship. Therefore, if you want to be in a relationship with a master rather than a parent, you have to present yourself as your adult self. I understand this may be hard given your having created characters that may be childlike (I try to imagine what it's like but am not sure I understand that correctly). It also requires yoru master to recognize you as the adult you are. I see you have not too good communication with him, but maybe you can just straightforwardly tell him: "I am an adult, I don't want a parent, I want a master." And then explain what you think a master should do differently fromw hat he is doing now. Just my thoughts. Hope I'm not toally off base.

[RuthAnnMarie]

Originally Posted by Astridetal

Your post was pretty long and I'm not sure I understand it fully. Are you struggling with yoru gende ridentity (you say you want and don't want ot be a man) or with your relationship with your master, or both? I know little about fetish life, but I understand that a master/dom is quite a bit different from a parent. A master/dom does things within a consensual, adult relationship. Therefore, if you want to be in a relationship with a master rather than a parent, you have to present yourself as your adult self. I understand this may be hard given your having created characters that may be childlike (I try to imagine what it's like but am not sure I understand that correctly). It also requires your master to recognize you as the adult you are. I see you have not too good communication with him, but maybe you can just straightforwardly tell him: "I am an adult, I don't want a parent, I want a master." And then explain what you think a master should do differently from what he is doing now. Just my thoughts. Hope I'm not toally off base.

mostly, as far as the gender thing goes, i notice that he can better understand or comprehend what men say more than me. though this may be just me, in that i'm generally misunderstood which he admitted to the other day. it's been hard on him to, with the bloodline i come from, the family who abused me and the fact that they are still a big part of our lives because of cousins, mother and an ex wife--i know how hard it is when i get resentful (and the fact that my mother's teachings for adult relationships are more destructive than useful, she's a denier). i feel like if i could command a man's audience i would be understood better, more often.

it's just a general conflict, possibly because i fear not so platonic relationships with men because of my gemini nature (platonic friendships aren't always in the cards for us, so it's a bit of a battle) i often speak how i was taught was okay to speak: like i'm talking to lovers, children, or myself. my mother has never been big on verbal communication, and i've been stepping out of her shadow just in the last couple of years realizing i have often acted like her or the stunted child that was all the identity i developed for myself.

thank you for the words, that's a very good idea. i know there are drastic differences between master and father, he's always been something of a paternal figure to me as well because my biological and step father were unavailable and violating 'respectfully' so i needed some guidance. i also aligned part of myself with his son and friends as they grew-we were all children together, that's one of the masculine issues i struggled through with their aggressive interactions. i feel when people are undersexed and over-stressed, generally not getting the release they need though that's beginning to work itself out as i develop a stronger grip over my own life.

thanks for the insight, i appreciate it.

[Astridetal]

I am sorry you were abused and it affects yoru current outlook on relationships. Could you see a relationship therapist with experience in your lifestyle? I don't know if they exist, but I'm just wondering since you and your master could work on better communication with the help of a professional.

I am about as feminine as can be (although I have a "male brain" according to thos eonline tests you can do), so I don't really relate to or comprehend your gender issues. Sorry that I cannot help you in this respect.

[RuthAnnMarie]

Originally Posted by Astridetal

I am sorry you were abused and it affects yoru current outlook on relationships. Could you see a relationship therapist with experience in your lifestyle? I don't know if they exist, but I'm just wondering since you and your master could work on better communication with the help of a professional.

I am about as feminine as can be (although I have a "male brain" according to thos eonline tests you can do), so I don't really relate to or comprehend your gender issues. Sorry that I cannot help you in this respect.

you've helped because you're hearing me and sharing words, and i thank you for it.

i see a hypnotherapist friend occasionally and our communication has been improving drastically over the past couple days, as i sort details of our relationship out and those around us settle into routine (i've got a thing for routine, and don't have one i like).

thanks for your input, i'm curious to see what anyone else has to say.