Constantly Worrying...

I have always just went on assuming that I was straight and I enjoyed thoughts of being with a man (not just physically but romantically, too). Although, at the beginning of summer, a girl called me a lesbian (we were fighting over Facebook and she called me a lesbian because, well, I might've called her one first...) and since then I have been worrying non-stop, every single day, that I really am a lesbian in denial. I kept on thinking during the summer that when school started up again, I'd forget this whole thing when I saw all the cute boys. I honestly think that would've happened but school started two weeks too late and I had gotten so much worse in that small amount of time.
Anyways, I started watching anime again tonight since I haven't in a long time. I'm really regretting it now though because I think I've been subconsciously having thoughts about girls while watching the show. For instance, if the guy picks up the girl, I'll subconsciously be thinking that I'm picking up the girl and kissing her or something. And now I'm really scared because at the time I don't think I was bothered by it. If I see a pretty character that has long hair (I cut my hair awhile ago and even though it has grown a lot I still really miss my long hair) I'll kind of pose them as my idol. But what if it's not really the inspiration to be like them- what if I actually just find them attractive? What if my heterosexuality from when I was younger was just influenced? What if the thoughts I had of liking boys are just fuzzy memories that never happened? What if I did something with a girl when I was younger that I just can't remember?

I heard that lesbians usually have early signs. I heard that scientists stated that they prefer boyish activities when they are young. I had a lots of toys and loved all my stuffed animals and I even had a ballerina dress that I never wanted to take off. That makes me feel a little more straight. But then I remembered that when one of my battery-operated toys, I would insist on using the screwdriver myself because it was fun to twirl it around. I had a big brother who I played a lot with when I was younger and I always liked watching him play video games. Is that too boyish? Ever since I was little I had always thought that my voice was deeper than it should be. Everyone says that it's not, though. But I started to purposely heighten my voice when I talked because I was so upset over it.

I want more than anything to be heterosexual. I knew what lesbians and gays were at an early age and it never occurred to me that I'd turn out to be one. I never thought that this would happen to me. I can't tell you that "I want to find out once and for all if I'm gay or straight" because that would be a lie. I don't want to find out I'm gay. I don't want to accept something like that and I won't. I just want to realize that I'm heterosexual. I have a problem where I listen to what other people tell me and automatically take it as fact. Unless it's someone I know well. If a family member called me a "dyke" (I've been called that by my brother) than I just get mad at him. But I've never taken it seriously because.. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I know him well? Or his opinion doesn't matter to me?

I want your opinions, please! Do you think I'm in denial? Do I just overreact? Do I sound straight in your opinion? My last thread has the entire story (introduction post) in case that matters at all.

Hi MsBunny - first let me say I had a brother now deceased who was gay, so I'm cool with gay people. I also answer questions in the Q&A section and we've had this exact question several times, but they were men worrying they were gay. I don't think you have gay tendencies and I think this is just 'intrusive thoughts'. I also read your 'about me' and see you have OCD, which explains why you're having these thoughts and shouldn't worry. If you were gay you would know it and not be worried about it. Now since you're young, sometimes people do change or realize new things about themselves and some even believe sexuality is plastic....meaning we might change at times in our lives.

In your case though, I really don't think you are and you're just worrying from the intrusive thought. Usually with intrusive thoughts, its something taboo to that person...for example incest, killing a family member when you have a hard time even killing a fly lol. I often use this example - if I have the intrusive thought of eating garbage...does this mean I want to really eat garbage - of course not, therefore the thought doesn't mean you actually intend to act on it. Try not to worry.

Hi Bunny!

I'd like to explore your fear a little more. What would happen if it turned out you were lesbian? Why would that be so terrible?

Why do you want to be heterosexual? Does being called a lesbian feel like an insult? Do you feel like you won't be accepted by others?

I know it sounds hard, but I really think you might want to try and let this worry go. You totally don't have to figure this out right now. A lot of hetero girls find girls attractive, even hetero boys are able to pick out the good-looking guy. A lot of guys are attracted to tomboy-ish girls. Or... maybe after a few years you might want to experiment. That's OK! Just try to file all of these thoughts away and let it go. You'll probably know without a doubt by the time you're an adult.

I don't like to think of the possibility of being a lesbian at all so I don't try too hard to think about it. I don't know why... I just find it weird...

My friend brought up that she was bisexual yesterday and I got that feeling that I usually have been getting since I started doubting myself. I don't really get what the feeling is- it's like shock or anxiety, like getting punched in the stomach but without the physical pain. After someone mentions something about being gay I immediately can't smile. I have to force myself to laugh and act like normal but it's really hard to force a smile. I don't know why it bothers me so much. But I do want to be straight.

After my friend said she was Bi she went up to me and hugged me today before she left. She has hugged me before although I don't like being hugged at all. I've never found her attractive but now I'm thinking that maybe she really is cute. Now I'm worried.

There was a boy that I think I found attractive in my English class. But I was right there when he asked another girl if she had a boyfriend or liked anyone. So I was a bit disappointed about that. But I can't help but think that what if I was only notice that he was attractive but actually didn't like him?