A few questions from an asexual

This year, for the fourth year (third marching), the Asexual Visibility and Education Network intends on having a presence at Pride London (World Pride 2012)*. It looks like I’ve got a big hand in the organisation again so I’m making a start. We’ve had a lot of handmade stuff in previous years but this time since it is the “big one” we are attempting a more professional approach this year.

Unfortunately since asexuality is still relatively unknown, there is so much to say and so little space to do it in. With that in mind, I wanted to ask a few questions (and perhaps some more in future) to try to identify where our main problems/focus areas are. You don’t have to answer all questions, but would be grateful for any answers

I’m primarily looking at answers from non-asexuals since that is our main audience at Pride but it would be helpful to have answers from people who identify as asexual so we know how the information reached you.

1) When/how did you first hear about asexuality?
2) How was it defined to you? (If it was a bit vague, what was the impression that you got?)
3) What is your understanding of the definition now?
4) What were your first thoughts of asexuality or asexual people? (It is OK to be honest here. Especially if it wasn’t explained properly, there can be a lot of odd first impressions. It is these first impressions that I might need to focus in on for combating).
5) Are there any questions you would ask now? Things you are unsure about? Things you are curious about?

If anyone feels uncomfortable about answering openly in the thread, feel free to PM me for privacy.

Thanks

* As an aside, in case anyone was wondering, our presence at Pride is not only as LGBT allies but also because it is a good opportunity to spread visibility not just to other minority orientations but even to people who don't know they are asexual.

I never had asexual explained to me. I heard the word and then researched what that meant. I have heterosexual and homosexual friends, so have not had the chance to even talk to anybody asexual. I don't feel any different about asexual as I do about anybody. My questions would be the obvious. Asexual means no sexual feelings towards somebody? But attracted to somebody because you love being with them, and like being close? Sex with somebody would be for the other persons pleasure?

Ty for answer, will try to remember to PM you after taken bunnies to vets

Then would you cc me with that PM to horseontheloose? I'd be asking pretty much the same thing. Admittedly, it's not a topic one hears much about.

Hope bunnies are well.

Yeah, just going for their myxi vaccinations

Will do Didn't want to post answers here and influence any other replies

Um... Do asexuals really have such a bad deal?

It doesn't stop you working or keep you out of the army.
You can get a passport and a driver's licence.
They don't put you in prison or in hospital.
You don't have any trouble with steps or public toilets.
I don't remember any placards reading "God hates asexuals."

For role models you've got Mother Theresa and the Virgin Mary.

As an Aspergic, I know what it is like to be misunderstood, to be an outsider in a world built by and for people who don't share my basic assumptions. But it's really no worse than being a foreigner, and in some ways a great deal better.

Hello Can'tExplain, I didn't mention at any point that I thought asexuals had as bad or worse a deal than anyone else. I merely asked a few questions from a visibility point of view. I wasn't aware that my post would turn into the Oppression Olympics.

To answer your post, however:

Asexuals can find that their friends and family laugh in their faces and tell them they are wrong. That can be wounding for trust and relationships with those people and although to lose a few friends might be survivable, I'm sure someone who is gay can understand the fear of losing everybody. Parents can also assume that they must have done something wrong in their upbringing of the child, which again can be damaging.

With 99% of the population being non-asexual, it is extremely isolating and confusing living in that world. It isn't really like being a foreigner, because there are a lot of foreigners in Western countries and often people are willing to help you out. An asexual might not know other asexuals in their local area and no one understands you. Imagine how much sex is used in media, in modern conversations, all around us. People like to talk about their relationships a lot. Going through school/college, sex is a major focus of everything and someone not interested can find themselves alone or even bullied or harassed.

An asexual who doesn't know they are asexual can end up going through a lot of distress, alienation, medical treatment that labels them as "broken" (and when months or even years of medical treatment fails to work, imagine how that feels), fractured relationships and can force them into doing sexual acts they don't want to do, leaving them traumatised as well.

There is also such thing as corrective rape, although thankfully I've only heard of that once in the time I've been on AVEN. Many others have found themselves forced by partners, which to some degree might qualify as the same thing.

Being laughed at or ridiculed takes its toll when you know someone is going to mock you whenever you say something about it. The thread on "Worst Responses" on AVEN is far longer than the "Best Responses" and makes for a lot of sad reading. It makes you wonder why people have such a hard time being accepting of it. As someone once said, it seems the Sexual Revolution didn't include the right to not have sex.

And of course, don't forget that in some mentality, if you aren't straight, you are gay. Who cares if you don't show any sign of being interested in the same sex? If you show none in the opposite sex, you are gay. Asexuals can suffer homosexual abuse for that reason.

Thank you for your thoughts

This may be a dumb question but this came up in the Q&A section today. The man isn't interested in having sex at all, but he does want to get married. So my question is - would Asexuals still get married or have a partnership? Is it fine to cuddle, hug and kiss as long as it doesn't get beyond that? If an Asexual man wants to get married, should he look for an Asexual woman and how would he go about meeting a lady like this? Do you know any meeting sites for Asexual peeps. I gave him a couple links explaining Asexuality and one support group. Pardon me if I asked any dumb questions.

Not dumb at all

Are there ways to meet other liked minded Asexuals? I would like to give this man a link if you know of any. I already provided him with some basic info.

You were quick off the mark :P Just PM'd you after I posted last

Thanks for the PM Pandoren. I think its good to have this thread and I first heard about this a few years ago. The man in the Q&A section has been ridiculed by family and friends for not following the typical path in life.

I first heard of asexuality when I was a teenager, reading an advice column, I think. To be asexual seemed to naturally have no interest in sex, in any way. Not sure if my impression of it has changed. It just seems to be absence of a sex drive (I could be wrong). My first thoughts were, "Oh that's interesting. I wonder if anyone I know is asexual. I wonder what it's like. Do they just stay single?" Some questions would include the last one, if people who are asexual stay single more often than they get in relationships. Is sex okay or do they dislike it? Also, when do they realize that they are asexual?
Also, someone in this thread said the Virgin Mary was asexual, which I believe is incorrect. After the immaculate conception, she had plenty of other children besides Jesus who were conceived sexually. She was a married woman, after all. Just wanted to throw that out there.