[WikidPissah]

I think I am a totally unsexual being. Is that even possible? Orgasm?? What is that? I prefer men, I only know that much. Been married for 27 years. I like the cuddling, and some stimulation feels good, but intercourse hurts. I've tried lubes and positions. H is very patient, but I make sure he gets his often enough, even if its really painful for me. I hold my breath and scream in my head. Oral stuff isn't much easier I get nauseous. Yea, I was SA from an early age. Lots of scar tissue and stuff. Anyways, I was thinking of trying a toy, since I enjoy the stimulation part. Any suggestions on safe vendors or websites? Do you think I am a total freak? SHould I just give up? (No I am not about to talk about this with my male t)

Hi Wikidpissah

Firstly, if you haven't already, i would go to your doc for a physical to see if your condition down below (you said you had scar tissue and stuff) has altered in a way that might require new treatment or to see if he suggests anything that might help ease the pain during sex. Granted you have probably already done this, but if you find your doc unhelpful or evasive then i would definately get a second opinion. Do you think the issues relating to your past may affecting your current relationship with sex more than you previously realised? If your not comfortable talking about it any of it with your current T could you seek the opinion of another therapist or counsellor perhaps? There may even be some helplines you can call if you didn't want to conduct the conversation face to face. As for sex sites, i don't know if Ann Summers ships to the US but this is the site i usually use. They can be a little bit pricey but their reliable, not to mention discreet so i would give it a go. Hope ive been of some help, if not then i want you to know you have my support anyway. Good luck.

[Pandoren]

Asexuality does exist and is commonly defined as not experiencing sexual attraction to anyone; male, female or otherwise (note I specifically said "sexual"- an asexual can still desire emotional/romantic relationships). While it is possible for asexuality to result in someone who does not enjoy intercourse from a disgust or pain point of view (some asexuals do enjoy it or are indifferent to it, it's a personal thing), I do agree with bb that you need to explore either physical or mental issues in your case, even if you do identify with asexuality, as there is obviously more going on and especially if you want to continue having intercourse with your husband.

Good luck.

[WikidPissah]

Thanks for responding. I have been in therapy for several years. My gynos have never been much help. I have had some laser removal of scar tissue and other procedures but they are at a loss, and I really don't want to try more procedures. I won't talk with my therapist about this kind of thing, can barely talk to begin with.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Thanks for responding. I have been in therapy for several years. My gynos have never been much help. I have had some laser removal of scar tissue and other procedures but they are at a loss, and I really don't want to try more procedures. I won't talk with my therapist about this kind of thing, can barely talk to begin with.

Sorry that your at a bit of a loss as to what to do

Are you sure there is definately no one you could open up to about this? They may not be able to help you but sometimes just offloading can help, and of course we're all here for you anyway i mean i think your situation needs discussing so i guess trust is an important factor. The more you trust someone the less tense the conversation will be. Perhaps writing a letter to your T explaining the situation and how you feel about it would help make the problem easier to talk about? at least then he'd know your nervous and might be able to steer the discussion in a more direct but innocuous direction? Whatever it is you decide to do i hope you find some form of resolution. Good luck.

[lynn P.]

I have a feeling you're not Asexual because I think your dislike of sex comes from physical discomfort and possibly some psychological factors, since you mentioned SA at an early age. I'm sorry you endured this trauma. Do you have trouble with penetration? Sorry for the personal question, but there's a condition called 'vaginismus'. There's treatment for this condition, although not for everyone. I think once you find the exact reason and solution for the pain, you'll begin to enjoy sex. Its natural if sex brings pain, you'll lose desire or not have any.

You mentioned orgasm and not experiencing one. Another personal question - have you had any luck with self pleasuring? Its perfectly normal for you to explore your own pleasure. Here's a link for vaginismus:

http://www.vaginismus.com/vaginismus-symptoms

[Harley47]

Hi Wikid. I hope I can be of some help.

I don't think you are asexual, so I don't think you should worry about that. Your dislike of sex stems from pain, which is different from simply having no interest in sex. It might sound similar, but there is a marked difference.

I am so sorry you suffered SA...no one should have to endure that. It pains me that things like that even exist. Does your husband know about it? Does he know it hurts? If I were you, I would tell him...I don't know how he would react, and I can only speak for myself and my own experiences, but I would tell you that (again, my perspective) if I were causing the woman I love pain, I wouldn't want her to suffer for me. I don't think your husband would either, and either way, you shouldn't feel the need to endure pain for a sense of obligation. Granted, I am not married, and I know that intimacy is a significant part of a relationship, so I ask you please take my advice with a grain of salt. I can only offer advice from my own experience and perspective. Besides, if he knows, perhaps you two can work on ways to still be intimate without doing anything that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable.

I would agree that you should explore what's pleasurable to you. Knowing what's okay and not okay for you to do comfortably can help things greatly until you are able to get things worked out.

I hope I was of some help to you. If nothing else, know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you work through this.

[WikidPissah]

thanks. H knows about the pain, and he never wants to hurt me, he just gets going and sometimes I don't want to stop him midway. Sometimes I do and we find alternate ways to pleasure him. Like I said to begin with, I like cuddling and some foreplay...I would just love to enjoy it all the way thru. It would make me feel awful if he was never taken care of...not to mention he'd probably start looking elsewhere.

[Harley47]

Well, that's very sweet of you on your part, I would say. You both sound very devoted and understanding to each other in this, which is something to be treasured.

I do wish you had someone in a professional capacity that you could talk to about this. I certainly understand your hesitation though. To be fair, it isn't the easiest subject in the world to open up to somebody with. I would just tell you that your T (and others) are in the profession they're in because they care and wish to help, and have more than likely heard their fair share of stories in the same vein as yours. You are certainly not alone.

Lastly, I wanted to say this in my last post...I certainly don't think you're a freak, and no one else here does either. You're doing what you can to make the best of things, and I think that's admirable of you. Please stay strong in this, and don't give up.

Hugs to you, and the best of luck.